ROFL at the doctor saying "please just shoot him, just shoot him!"

#monsterdon

This guy should just load from a save

#Monsterdon

"Oh Christ"

This movie keeps stealing my lines. #Monsterdon

You know, every time I start having a little fun with this movie, they bust out the term "mall tramp" again.

#monsterdon

Spaghetti is gonna start flooding out of his pockets any minute now.

#monsterdon

"crisco zooologist"

hey can I keep that? that's good.

#monsterdon

@srol It made me think of Sean Connery in SNL Celebrity Jeopardy

"swoords"

#Monsterdon

WRPT, also the sound my cat makes when I wake her up unexpectedly. #Monsterdon

Okay Arthur Dent, better start running. #Monsterdon

So nobody in Newark's getting their mail today, I'm gathering

#Monsterdon

The way she pronounced the w in "swords" makes me think she might be reading these lines off of a cue card.

#monsterdon

This still feels better than that Ice Cube War Of the Worlds Movie...

#MOnsterdon

The University of Trenton is a safety school for students who don't have the grades for Miskatonic.

#monsterdon

I am so charmed by this TV footage segment catching our dopey protag up on the kaiju. Oh my god. Cost-effective, too!

#Monsterdon

@srol everyone likes to deride Ted Turner, but the man was responsible for Captain Planet and the Planeteers. And for that contribution, I’ll give him a pass. #monsterdon

A name drop for the Cartoon Network in 1996? Did Ted Turner put up the money for this?

#monsterdon

Oh lawd he invadin' (Zarkorr thread start)

#monsterdon

MO SU RA

#Monsterdon

Oh shit the salt-shaker sized woman is back. I really have to stop buying those shitty street drugs.
#monsterdon

@SnoopJ don't worry we're in newark now I'm sure nothing can bad happen

#Monsterdon

NEWARK NEW JERSEY?

#monsterdon

uh this is great but why do I get the feeling they are going to use their entire monster smash budget immediately and then it's going to get boring

#Monsterdon

Godzilla with Devil horns!

#Monsterdon

A midi main theme is always promising <3 #Monsterdon

ZARKORR! At the Disco #Monsterdon

Oh good there are people in this movie

#Monsterdon

Dramatic music! Kind of Godzilla sounding.

#Monsterdon

🐲 TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS 🐲

(where applicable)

#Monsterdon

Unexpected #Monsterdon bonus: a second Rockford Firebird sighting of the weekend! This time it’s a model being crushed by the rampage of #Zarkorr the Invader. #zarkorr1996

#weirdcarmastodon

Ting ting walla walla bing bang
#Monsterdon #ThunderofGiganticSerpent

"I got da box boss! It's em`ty."
"Hey wadda `bout dat gigantic snake dats always with da goil?"
"Hmmm."
#Monsterdon #ThunderofGiganticSerpent

Pierre Kirby is Ted Fast as the best actor Godfrey Ho found for cheap in Hong Kong stars as an action scene extra in this movie about a kid and her pet snake.
#Monsterdon #ThunderofGiganticSerpent

@apLundell wasted character, but obvious the Writer's fetish #Monsterdon

We found out about the "formuler" boss.

Yes, child doesn't want to eat, wants to do homework. This is normal. You're spoiling her.

Do Hong Kong people usually have a full lazy susan for their dinner bowls?

I do approve of the pet cobra. Very nice pet. Will not harm little girl, will grow to love her.

Yes, I get the plot drift: Animal & growth "formuler".

#monsterdon #thunderOfGiganticSerpent

@moira There's a Making of Zarkorr thing, but I am not qurious enough to watch and find out. But it really feels like they atleast found some people who made a kaiju suit and handed them a camera to make 5 minutes to weld into that ass of a script.
#Monsterdon #Zarkorr

@Canageek we did see the Earth get destroyed last week, it's always an option with these movies #Monsterdon

I award Zarkorr 4 out of 5 epic off screen battles. You may disagree with this verdict and also wish to feed me to a giant leopard for it, which, I suppose is fair.

The silliness amused me. I'd give it a 5 out of 5, but the hacker guy annoyed me, so it loses a point.

The best character was the holographic girl from the planet of assholes, for her mastery of philosophy and smarminess. The worst character was the hacker guy who was super annoying.

#monsterdon

Zarkorr! the Invader has left me feeling invaded and, if you'll excused the term, hackered.

Huge thanks to everyone's favorite kaiju @Taweret for hosting, and thanks as always to the #Monsterdon Mall Tramps for interrupting my cartoons.

ZARKORRRRRRR 🎸

Zarkorri by J. Fuzzbee Morse

https://fuzzbee.bandcamp.com/track/zarkorr

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

Not a good movie, but we've done so much worse in the past.

Also it being the shortest in the past few weeks might have helped.

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

Wait, Zarkorr could have been killing billionaires this entire time?!

#Monsterdon

This is better than Will Smith rapping a plot recap of the movie

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

are you telling me all the people in these credits got paid?

#Monsterdon

Well. That was embarrassing for everyone.

One last thing to do, folks. Was ZARKORR! THE INVADER (1996) the WORST #Monsterdon movie of the year?

wait, this movie gets it own song?

#Monsterdon

90s b-movies are always a coin toss if they're going to just be "sort of boring" or "actually dogshit" - it seems like something shifted in the 90s where like the full earnestness that made truly shit incomprehensible movies that really try to do something they can't quite figure out stop happening. #monsterdon

oh hey a zarkorr song

#monsterdon

Okay, this movie was worth it for the outro music.

#Monsterdon

@eigen Honestly been wondering if it was like some film student project (and pretty good for it) and these idiots grabbed it to make a "movie"

#monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

That was unearned

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

is this all an allegory for Fukuyama-style End of History

humanity won the day by being sooooo super peaceful and neoliberally englightened?

#Monsterdon

So is that Captain America's shield or what?

#Monsterdon

@moira I think some guys just filmed kaiju footage for fun and it got glued to this shit script? Or atleast they were given basically no direction and told to make some monster footage in a garage by themselves.
#Monsterdon #Zarkorr

the shield mightier than the pen is

#Monsterdon

#Monsterdon 👽️👾👦🧚‍♀️🥊🫣 😱

Zarkorr, this is ICE.. do you have your birth certificate and an entrance VISA?
<<STOMP>>

@moira I've been suspicious for most of the film that the kaiju footage was indeed recycled from some other movie…🤔

#monsterdon

I'm guessing Tommy's plan is to just have Zarkorr step on him and crush the magic egg.

#monsterdon

Every man has his own Zarkorr! he struggles with

#Monsterdon

Let's be generous and say Zarkorr's laser eyes are for Pride Month. #monsterdon

This movie would have been a lot better without someone who thought they could write comedy.
#monsterdon

There's only one possible ending if the filmmakers truly have the courage of their convictions and that's Zarkorr wins

#monsterdon

Did I just see some Kanji on a sign in Yuma?

#Monsterdon

If you let people wander off from the scene, you have to repeat exposition, and nobody wants that.

Postal worker, crisco zoologist, & cop show up in suits. Sheriff, geologist, & chef join the party. This is slightly more plausible than most Call of Cthulhu parties.

UFO pod prop is surprisingly good. Like, did they spend MONEY on this movie‽ Why?

"What are you, some kinda goddamned QUESTION ASKER‽" Fucking amazing line.

#monsterdon #zarkorr #zarkorr1996

This movie is like jazz… it’s about the kaiju action that you’re NOT seeing

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

@SnoopJ TV listings and newspaper ads from June/July 1996 seem to indicate it was shown on pay-per-view.

#Monsterdon

"nothing harder than the diamond", now *that* is kind of a 90s deep pull

I don't think I've seen it in very many movies or shows, but boy was it a thing in the popular mind

#Monsterdon

You can't just hold up your fist and say "This is a diamond." You clearly do not have a diamond. Why would you have a diamond?

#monsterdon

"What do kaiju think about worldwide destruction? We went to this diner in Yuma to find out"

#Monsterdon

So the cryptozoologist and the postal worker can go to Arizona.

Or the postal worker and the cop.

Or the postal worker, the cop, and the cryptozoologist.

Or the hacker can go there and we can just stay here.

Really, any combination that means a film wrap on Arthur.

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

Shit… this is so laughably bad

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

Characters in this movie by strength of dialog:

holographic girl: 10/10
most other characters: 8/10
wheelchair hacker guy: -10,000/10
zarkorr: 9/10 (mostly grunts)

#monsterdon

@cocaine_owlbear I believe you mean "cybernaut" 😜

(this guy is worse than the characters on the Big Bang Theory 🙄)

#monsterdon

Back when GPS needed a fancy receiver.

(Also, uh, this was back when the least significant bits were encrypted)

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

They got twenty minutes, I've got $20 says it's all travelogue. #Monsterdon

Just because he Hostage is going along with it doesn't mean she consents...

#Monsterdon

This scene is punishment

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

Now kiss!

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

@SnoopJ Well yes, but the image shows the semi-major axis

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

This dude is literally that "I'm a hacker" meme...

#Monsterdon

“Zarkorr must have been turned on. Where’s Mrs. Zarkorr?”

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon The wheelchair fellow has way too much methamphtetamine in his system.

The team are putting their brains together so obviously the Cop is nowhere to be seen...bringing down that average...

#Monsterdon

Zarkorr is turned on. We’re gonna turn him off by over sharing and trauma dumping during the date

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

"my idea is so mid it just might work"

#Monsterdon

meanwhile, on the much more fun miniatures set

#monsterdon

well I think I know a lot more about the people who made this movie after that "environmentalist" interview

#monsterdon

You can tell this is made in the era of 90s optimism because the plot here is "find the Experts and actually-defer to their Expertise"

#Monsterdon

lol, I love how he's typing nonsense on that keyboard

The Nerd dude expects a polycule...he IS us!

#Monsterdon

Shipping all of the characters

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

Don't push the throuple, technomancer, c'mon. #Monsterdon

OMG, he is inventing Google?

#Monsterdon

Arthur the Hacker, er, Cybernaught, is probably the worst side character of all time. #monsterdon

Illustrated. I'm so sorry if this awakens anything in you.

#monsterdon #zarkorr #zarkorr1996

...Budget Lone Gunmen? #Monsterdon

It's a crisco-tautology

#Monsterdon

I am really concerned for this lady in the car with these two dudes....

#Monsterdon

@xerozohar Pretty rare for the mid-90s, honestly. #Monsterdon

💯 that the warehouse they are hiding this car is where the news studio was. #monsterdon

holy shit he said Nuclear correctly

#monsterdon

Zarkorr can be defeated by the power of looooove. You just have to tell Milla Jovovich that you love her while in Egypt.
#monsterdon