ZARKORR! At the Disco #Monsterdon

Oh good there are people in this movie

#Monsterdon

Dramatic music! Kind of Godzilla sounding.

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🐲 TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS 🐲

(where applicable)

#Monsterdon

Unexpected #Monsterdon bonus: a second Rockford Firebird sighting of the weekend! This time it’s a model being crushed by the rampage of #Zarkorr the Invader. #zarkorr1996

#weirdcarmastodon

Ting ting walla walla bing bang
#Monsterdon #ThunderofGiganticSerpent

"I got da box boss! It's em`ty."
"Hey wadda `bout dat gigantic snake dats always with da goil?"
"Hmmm."
#Monsterdon #ThunderofGiganticSerpent

Pierre Kirby is Ted Fast as the best actor Godfrey Ho found for cheap in Hong Kong stars as an action scene extra in this movie about a kid and her pet snake.
#Monsterdon #ThunderofGiganticSerpent

@apLundell wasted character, but obvious the Writer's fetish #Monsterdon

We found out about the "formuler" boss.

Yes, child doesn't want to eat, wants to do homework. This is normal. You're spoiling her.

Do Hong Kong people usually have a full lazy susan for their dinner bowls?

I do approve of the pet cobra. Very nice pet. Will not harm little girl, will grow to love her.

Yes, I get the plot drift: Animal & growth "formuler".

#monsterdon #thunderOfGiganticSerpent

@moira There's a Making of Zarkorr thing, but I am not qurious enough to watch and find out. But it really feels like they atleast found some people who made a kaiju suit and handed them a camera to make 5 minutes to weld into that ass of a script.
#Monsterdon #Zarkorr

@Canageek we did see the Earth get destroyed last week, it's always an option with these movies #Monsterdon

I award Zarkorr 4 out of 5 epic off screen battles. You may disagree with this verdict and also wish to feed me to a giant leopard for it, which, I suppose is fair.

The silliness amused me. I'd give it a 5 out of 5, but the hacker guy annoyed me, so it loses a point.

The best character was the holographic girl from the planet of assholes, for her mastery of philosophy and smarminess. The worst character was the hacker guy who was super annoying.

#monsterdon

Zarkorr! the Invader has left me feeling invaded and, if you'll excused the term, hackered.

Huge thanks to everyone's favorite kaiju @Taweret for hosting, and thanks as always to the #Monsterdon Mall Tramps for interrupting my cartoons.

ZARKORRRRRRR 🎸

Zarkorri by J. Fuzzbee Morse

https://fuzzbee.bandcamp.com/track/zarkorr

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

Not a good movie, but we've done so much worse in the past.

Also it being the shortest in the past few weeks might have helped.

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

Wait, Zarkorr could have been killing billionaires this entire time?!

#Monsterdon

Whenever we watch schlock we seem to bifurcate. Expectations mismatch I think.

That was not cinema, but I liked it. I also hated some of it, but overall I liked it.

#Monsterdon

This is better than Will Smith rapping a plot recap of the movie

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

are you telling me all the people in these credits got paid?

#Monsterdon

Well. That was embarrassing for everyone.

One last thing to do, folks. Was ZARKORR! THE INVADER (1996) the WORST #Monsterdon movie of the year?

wait, this movie gets it own song?

#Monsterdon

90s b-movies are always a coin toss if they're going to just be "sort of boring" or "actually dogshit" - it seems like something shifted in the 90s where like the full earnestness that made truly shit incomprehensible movies that really try to do something they can't quite figure out stop happening. #monsterdon

oh hey a zarkorr song

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Okay, this movie was worth it for the outro music.

#Monsterdon

@eigen Honestly been wondering if it was like some film student project (and pretty good for it) and these idiots grabbed it to make a "movie"

#monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

That was unearned

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

So is that Captain America's shield or what?

#Monsterdon

@moira I think some guys just filmed kaiju footage for fun and it got glued to this shit script? Or atleast they were given basically no direction and told to make some monster footage in a garage by themselves.
#Monsterdon #Zarkorr

#Monsterdon 👽️👾👦🧚‍♀️🥊🫣 😱

Zarkorr, this is ICE.. do you have your birth certificate and an entrance VISA?
<<STOMP>>

@moira I've been suspicious for most of the film that the kaiju footage was indeed recycled from some other movie…🤔

#monsterdon

I'm guessing Tommy's plan is to just have Zarkorr step on him and crush the magic egg.

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Every man has his own Zarkorr! he struggles with

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Let's be generous and say Zarkorr's laser eyes are for Pride Month. #monsterdon

This movie would have been a lot better without someone who thought they could write comedy.
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Did I just see some Kanji on a sign in Yuma?

#Monsterdon

If you let people wander off from the scene, you have to repeat exposition, and nobody wants that.

Postal worker, crisco zoologist, & cop show up in suits. Sheriff, geologist, & chef join the party. This is slightly more plausible than most Call of Cthulhu parties.

UFO pod prop is surprisingly good. Like, did they spend MONEY on this movie‽ Why?

"What are you, some kinda goddamned QUESTION ASKER‽" Fucking amazing line.

#monsterdon #zarkorr #zarkorr1996

This movie is like jazz… it’s about the kaiju action that you’re NOT seeing

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

@SnoopJ TV listings and newspaper ads from June/July 1996 seem to indicate it was shown on pay-per-view.

#Monsterdon

"What do kaiju think about worldwide destruction? We went to this diner in Yuma to find out"

#Monsterdon

So the cryptozoologist and the postal worker can go to Arizona.

Or the postal worker and the cop.

Or the postal worker, the cop, and the cryptozoologist.

Or the hacker can go there and we can just stay here.

Really, any combination that means a film wrap on Arthur.

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

Shit… this is so laughably bad

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

Characters in this movie by strength of dialog:

holographic girl: 10/10
most other characters: 8/10
wheelchair hacker guy: -10,000/10
zarkorr: 9/10 (mostly grunts)

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@cocaine_owlbear I believe you mean "cybernaut" 😜

(this guy is worse than the characters on the Big Bang Theory 🙄)

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Back when GPS needed a fancy receiver.

(Also, uh, this was back when the least significant bits were encrypted)

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

They got twenty minutes, I've got $20 says it's all travelogue. #Monsterdon

Just because he Hostage is going along with it doesn't mean she consents...

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This scene is punishment

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

Now kiss!

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

@SnoopJ Well yes, but the image shows the semi-major axis

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

This dude is literally that "I'm a hacker" meme...

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“Zarkorr must have been turned on. Where’s Mrs. Zarkorr?”

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#monsterdon The wheelchair fellow has way too much methamphtetamine in his system.

The team are putting their brains together so obviously the Cop is nowhere to be seen...bringing down that average...

#Monsterdon

Zarkorr is turned on. We’re gonna turn him off by over sharing and trauma dumping during the date

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

"my idea is so mid it just might work"

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meanwhile, on the much more fun miniatures set

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well I think I know a lot more about the people who made this movie after that "environmentalist" interview

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lol, I love how he's typing nonsense on that keyboard

The Nerd dude expects a polycule...he IS us!

#Monsterdon

Shipping all of the characters

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

Don't push the throuple, technomancer, c'mon. #Monsterdon

OMG, he is inventing Google?

#Monsterdon

Arthur the Hacker, er, Cybernaught, is probably the worst side character of all time. #monsterdon

Illustrated. I'm so sorry if this awakens anything in you.

#monsterdon #zarkorr #zarkorr1996

...Budget Lone Gunmen? #Monsterdon

It's a crisco-tautology

#Monsterdon

I am really concerned for this lady in the car with these two dudes....

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@xerozohar Pretty rare for the mid-90s, honestly. #Monsterdon

💯 that the warehouse they are hiding this car is where the news studio was. #monsterdon

holy shit he said Nuclear correctly

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Zarkorr can be defeated by the power of looooove. You just have to tell Milla Jovovich that you love her while in Egypt.
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#monsterdon The entire world pends on a USPS employee. This is quaint and amusing.

@bunnyhero I think you're right. Also, I don't think they could afford blanks, which why guns are just for pointing.

#Monsterdon #TeamZarkorr

Oh thank god, more miniature sets blowing up :D If they can keep this pace up with the lazer eyes we might survive this film yet!

#Monsterdon

I can believe a White Cop would do this....and obviously let a fellow white dude take a woman hostage....this movie is darker than it intended to be...

#Monsterdon

“Why did the alien pick you?”

“Because I’m average.”

That’ll cause anyone to put down their weapons. No one claims delusions of mediocrity.

#Monsterdon

The police use logic. It's not very effective.

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"I know how bad this looks" is definitely the way to lead a conversation with a cop that you are pointing a gun at when you are holding a woman hostage in a bathroom.

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"I didn't say I was any good at it!"

We can tell.

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By all means please repeat to the police all the things that we the audience already saw. It makes for riveting cinema.
#monsterdon

This is what happens when you let the guy who thinks he's a riot at parties write a film.

#Monsterdon

I know the Average Dude has to save Earth but I really don't like him

Shoot him

#Monsterdon

The crisco-zoologist was about to be interviewed on the air, and she was bringing her purse to the stage because....?

#Monsterdon

I'm late to #Monsterdon and trying to catch up by jumping forward occasionally but THERE IS SO MUCH I NEED TO SEE.
Like, WTF is up with the tiny woman?
#zarkorr1996

lol, watch out, he's got a hat stand!

#Monsterdon

You're projecting all right

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This is concerningly realistic

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

@Lazarou at least he's most average in the sense of "being able to defeat a giant alien monster" #monsterdon

@CactuarJoe Unless you're on the other side of the mississippi, then it's KRRP

#monsterdon

As a child I used to imagine myself as a monster stomping through a city, and I suspect most of you are the same..

#Monsterdon

@brouhaha After this he has to chop down the tallest tree in the forest wiiiiiiiiiith

a herring.
#monsterdon

"We're superior beings." said the valley girl alien

#monsterdon

Sharp sticks won't work. What about dull sticks.
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#monsterdon We have an Emilio Sheenstevez and some fairy that's more kojikin than shobijin.

And wow, our Protag is exactly average, we're officially in the Idiocracy universe. that's it, I'm off to the Museum o' Fart...

(catching up at 1.23 speed bc my sound daemon went to hell causing a reboot)

"SWORDS" she said "SWWWORDS"

#monsterdon

Oh hey, boring Max Headroom.

#Monsterdon

oh god the racist caricature, it burns

#Monsterdon

Mount Aurora in Aurora County with Aurora Valley?
Is it in Aurora County? With Aurora Valley?
#monsterdon

It's a tiny girl! Just like my anime figure collection! She'll look so good next to Madoka!

Are they really intelligent if they chose Tommy?

"How come you look like a tiny teenaged mall tramp?"

Meaning of life & afterlife denied 5 minutes in. That's philosophy done for.

#monsterdon #zarkorr #zarkorr1996

Chekov's lack of an afterlife

#Monsterdon