he just keeps talking. no one is punching him in the throat or anything. I don't understand

#monsterdon

MOAR HACKING!!!

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr

Zarkor contains the key to his own destruction

#Monsterdon

#Monsterdon

I’m in

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

Okay, that movie was terrible, and I didn't like it, and it was bad and loathsome.

But.

BUT.

I kinda had a good time hating it.

#monsterdon

The tragedy is the corny ending song is like 1000% more professional than the movie. #Monsterdon

I have never wanted to swirly a nerd so hard before. #Monsterdon

Going postal.

#monsterdon

This isn't the worst movie I watched this weekend. I gotta get a life. #monsterdon

#Monsterdon

The real monster was all the cops we met along the way

#Monsterdon

I was having a lot of fun with this movie before the … err "hacker" showed up.

Now the movie's intolerable.

I… I hate this guy.

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

"we've got 5 minutes of kaiju footage. can you guys just improv a movie around it?"

#monsterdon

Zarkorr *IS* horny

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

This whole "he's going postal" gag is honestly rather distasteful for 1996, but it has aged reasonably well as a bit with distance from a time when "going postal" was a reference to recent events.

#Monsterdon

See, I could totally see this as the first movie in a series where every sequel is just the bratty little space alien mall fairy popping up and going, "Heeeeey AAAAAARTHUR! Superior beings gonna test you again! Because we're Superior!" and then she, like, sends him on some ridiculous space-monster-themed quest into the sewers and over hill and dale

I'd be into that.

But it'd probably require, like, a filmmaker with talent.

#Monsterdon

NO

NO, STOP

TURN OFF THE UPBEAT CLOSING MUSIC

YOU HAVEN'T EARNED THAT >:/

#Monsterdon

There is about 15 minutes of movie left and I'm hoping 14 of it is credits. #monsterdon

Is the purpose of this movie to introduce increasingly insufferable characters until eventually there is a singularity

#Monsterdon

We sure can't. #monsterdon

And then halfway through the fourth film it turns out she's been rogue since Zarkorr! 2 and the other Superior Beings have been trying to get her to stop wrecking shit on Earth for like five years now and she's just Here To Cause Problems™

#Monsterdon

would be nice to *see* the planes attack the monster but that is way beyond this movie's budget i guess

#monsterdon

The one guard kinda looks like Tony Hale

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

@CactuarJoe and anyone - i mean literally _anyone_ - who knew _anything_ about lighting

literally anything

please

anything

#monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

I feel like if they'd had a budget and a better writer, this could've been a Critters-tier movie. #Monsterdon

...this is kinda a bop

#monsterdon

it's really amazing that they made a kaiju movie where the kaiju parts feel tacked on

#monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

Yaaaaaaaay Zarkorr! Thank you for existing you big rubbery monster! Without you we'd have to listen to that bland clown say stupid shit into the camera! Yaaaaaay!!! #Monsterdon

This "hacker" guy is everyone that won't shut up about their mechanical keyboard #Monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader
#ZarkorrTheInvader1996

will no Zarknor rid me of this meddlesom cybernaut

#Monsterdon

The acting here is some kind of special. #monsterdon

hmm, getting what i want by taking a hostage and insisting that i am the last hope for humanity's survival, why hasn't anyone ever thought of this before #monsterdon

They’da shot him 22 times by now irl.

#Monsterdon

"You're doing something really stupid!"

Yeah I know but we're 15 minutes into the film now, we can't stop. #Monsterdon

Exposition is really the best way to set up a movie, doesn't waste time on itneresting research or talking to NPCs, who you don't have budget for. Just TV & a talking girl, and one giant pencil prop.

"We're superior beings, so our moral code allows us to do whatever we want to you."

They're space Republicans!!!

#monsterdon #zarkorr #zarkorr1996

Back when I was a kid that age I used to expect more 'magical science accident fun adventures' that the movies promised.

Wait, is the snake sentient now and able to communicate? ffuuccckkkkk

#Monsterdon

Usually after a #monsterdon movie, I go to wikipedia and imdb to see if I can get a better understanding of why what just happened happened.

Very little on the wikipedia page for this one though. And given that the IMDB trivia page includes the fact "The first American Kaiju movie" I'm not sure how accurate the rest of this information is.

oh wow it's done, Thank goodness. My brains were leaking out my ears.

Thanks everyone, we made it through another #monsterdon !

Hope to see you next week for whatever we all vote for... and do your research! Pick something better, it'll be good, i'm sure it will.

Big love to @Taweret for hosting this lovely mess, @cherizilla for the (recycled!) bingo cards, @JoeWynne for the wild trivia, and y'all for keeping me sane!

:blobheartcat:

I OFFER MYSELF AS A SNACKRIFICE

#Monsterdon

Oh shit.

He's a postal worker.

To defeat Zarkorr, he has to make a delivery.

#Monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

RE: https://discuss.systems/@ricci/116830697118376185

oh to get to the monster they have to go somewhere that looks like the hills of southern california, shocking

#monsterdon

"Zarkorr's off-switch is in Arizona."

If that's where the movie's ending is, we need to HURRY

#Monsterdon

Amazing, who knew that if you had two points you could draw two arcs between them, this is some real science here

#Monsterdon

#Monsterdon 👽️👾👦🧚‍♀️🥊🫣 😱

Who remembers Arnold (not Arthur) Horschak from Welcome Back, Kotter?
Whoever wrote this script, that's who.

He’s just searching on gopher.

#Monsterdon

zarkorr please kill them all

#monsterdon

"What could it be???"

I've got ten bucks on Lame Mirror Reflect On Eyeball Lasers!

#Monsterdon

This is two movies, an okay movie and a long movie

#Monsterdon

I wonder what Zarkorr’s doing?

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

@bunnyhero “tell, don’t show” as they say

#Monsterdon

"Folks, I don't know what else to say about this duel between Air Force bombers and a giant dinosaur other than to say it is visually spectacular."

#monsterdon

I hope the "holding a woman hostage with guns" thing falls apart sooner rather than later, though. It's uh, a lot.

#Monsterdon

Wait, this is a race against the alien invader. It's Urusei Yatsura! He just needs to grab Zarkorr's bikini, and then they'll be married. PROBLEM SOLVED.

"I'm not crazy, I was contacted by an alien!" is what crazy people say.

#monsterdon #zarkorr #zarkorr1996

"I'm not a postman, I'm a Postal Employee, there's a difference!"

Okay that was funny.

#Monsterdon

"You can't hide from Zarkorr."

He's an IRS agent.

#Monsterdon

If you had kaiju juice what animal would you turn into a titanic pet? I wanna see a thirty foot tall chinchilla.
#Monsterdon #ThunderofGiganticSerpent

I hated that movie in the best way possible!

As always, thanks to @Taweret for hosting, @cherizilla for the bingo card, @JoeWynne for the drink recipe and trivia, @ryan for the live stream, @paco for data analysis at https://gallery.don.monster, @combatwombat for the replay, and all of you for making it awesome!

#Monsterdon

...better sound mixing, too >_> #Monsterdon

Tommy Ward for president?

.... well, could be worse. *cough*

#monsterdon

We get credits. The ending song is a rock music about Zarkorr and how he'll squish your town. Again, 10/10, no notes.

#monsterdon

OMG I love this cop pretending to be a cop.

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH

#Monsterdon

the heroes have absconded with the backyard firepit from space! #monsterdon

They're stealing the world's biggest Ouija planchette! #Monsterdon

#monsterdon I can't tell if they are trying an X-Files gag or not.

...There is literally no one in this film I don't want to swirly. #Monsterdon

I was curious what else this actor playing Arthur was in. Looking at imdb, it appears his biggest credits were "The Hanging Man" from Beetlejuice and "Man Strangled at Bar" from a Ramones music video. Both uncredited.

#monsterdon

I think the computer expert is behaving erratically because he has overdosed on problematic stereotypes.
#monsterdon

The character work that was done for the hacker was "what if Eddie Deezen played Quentin Tarantino"

#Monsterdon

a real hacker wouldn't be fine with a cop just poking around his loft

#Monsterdon

#Monsterdon 👽👾👦🧚‍♀️🥊🫣 😱

I think that 90miles north of Yuma on the border with CA is a firing range.

The on-set audio engineer was like "I quit, do it yourself".
#monsterdon

I wonder if a TV deal was part of getting this movie funded. I believe it was direct-to-video, but it's cut up like it's meant to be broadcast.

#Monsterdon

You know how sometimes a podcast you like will begin with an apology that one of their microphones stopped working midway through recording so some of the audio is going to be very low quality at parts? Movies never do you that courtesy.

#monsterdon

the Department of Defense's infamous Central Base

#Monsterdon

What the fuck is this dude supposed to be? I feel like he's a meta comment on us all at Monsterdon...

#Monsterdon

Please let this be the end of this as a coercive story.

And get this cop out of here, ugh.

#Monsterdon

"where are we gonna get the budget for the valley scene?"
"eh, just make it a radio broadcast for 5 bucks"

#monsterdon

Uh oh, the main cast has gained a SECOND bland male, this is gonna start getting confusing. #Monsterdon

This entire movie is a conspiracy to put me to sleep

#monsterdon

This is the most realistic thing so far. Cop spouting conspiracy theories

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

"It makes sense!"

No it doesn't.

#Monsterdon

He’s mid

#monsterdon #ZarkorrTheInvader1996

Literally nobody here knows how to light a scene. Nobody. It's not even like a good Kickstarter video.

#monsterdon #Zarkorr1996

I am terribly afraid this "haha he's a violent kidnapper but he's the hero actually" thing is going to be carried out for the whole movie.

That uh, could lose all the goodwill this movie has earned from me.

#Monsterdon

I have seen the scene this guy is talking about and *I* don't believe him

#Monsterdon

If she's a Crisco zoologist she should be able to slide out of there. #monsterdon

lol, what if they just shot him dead and the rest of the movie is the monster stomping

#Monsterdon

At least there's this great soundtrack.

>_>

#Monsterdon

This who situation feels like one lonely postman's psychotic break.....

#Monsterdon

This has been five solid minutes of people who think they know what news broadcasts are like. #monsterdon

This has been on 12 mins. Feels like 60. Help. #monsterdon

"BEAUTIFUL crypto-zoologist" said the movie ad, like a predator....

#Monsterdon

AND KTLA

IS THERE

#Monsterdon

The world's most average guy

Heck yea

#Monsterdon

"What's the meaning of life?"

"There is no meaning."

HELL YEA

#Monsterdon

Where’s your twin fairy sister?

#ZarkoorTheInvader1996 #monsterdon

Yeah, this looks bad. #Monsterdon

Instead of watching the #monsterdon movie, I spent the last hour cleaning up a huge mess the housecat made. Something tells me I got the better deal.

@wyatt_h_knott Everyone should have been credited as Allen Smithee. Allen Smitthee should have played every part and filled every role on set.

#Monsterdon