@raederle I watched “House of Wax” and “The Tingler” this weekend, just for good measure.

#Monsterdon

To be fair, with how badly they were singing I don't blame the ghost for running away

#Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom

I don't care if Simon lives or dies, but the sheer volume of costumes and whimsical nonsense is great. I'm like a baby with those colorful plastic keys shaking in front of my face.

#Monsterdon

He's got a jean helmet. Jelmet.

#Monsterdon

The abominable snowman finally did something when he hugged the main character. 10/10, everyone needs a hug now and then.

#monsterdon

I'm not saying they should get their faces melted a la Raiders of the Lost Ark, but I'm not NOT saying that. #monsterdon

they sang away the ghosts??

#monsterdon

The point in Oblivion where you learn to carry a silver weapon

#Monsterdon

The thing is, this film was clearly intended for the preteen set, and yet it's nowhere near intelligent enough to be anything but insulting to kids of that age group.

#Monsterdon

these are the ghosts of every critic who showed up at the preview

#monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom

it was brief, weird, and very very pointless!

#Monsterdon ⚔️ 🧙 🏰 🌲 🇦🇷 😱

#Monsterdon ⚔️ 🧙 🏰 🌲 🇦🇷 😱

obviously the short-lived zombie army has been the best part

They're leaving Gulfax behind.
There's no way the actor was going to walk around in that fun-fur suit much longer on a sunny day.

#Monsterdon

If the little guys are kobolds this must be a daibold? Chobold?
#Monsterdon #WizardsoftheLostKingdom

I'm gonna tell gen z this is Wheel of Time

#monsterdon

#monsterdon #wizardsofthelostkingdom1985

Did he just say "Thank you, dear." to a magical gnome?

You must hurry. The power of good is fading.

#monsterdon

This is all a gnomish false flag… those weren’t REAL lizard-people… THEY WERE PAID ACTORS!

#Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom1985

I want a magic wall

#Monsterdon

The temptress lady scans Simon's mind and receives the trailer for another movie with equivalent production values. It involves some wizards doing a ritual at night and then the moon is a monster girl whose face is half space goblin and then she explodes.

Then Simon wakes up and the temptress lady turns into a giant spider who Simon stabs and then we continue with the plot.

#monsterdon

@strangefour Well, you know. It ain’t gonna chew itself.

#Monsterdon

MOUSE TF MOUSE TF MOUSE TF someone on the movie team is a furry #monsterdon

Aww they are friends. Stop making me like the evil wizard.
Okay I guess the scenes of him creeping on the princess do alot of heavy lifting for making him scummy. But other wise he's amusing.
#Monsterdon #WizardsoftheLostKingdom

@MatthewTitus88 that's a big negative lol

#monsterdon

Look at you, in your Easter pastels

#Monsterdon

Okay so after the phantom warrior a random hot girl appears, giving the vibe of "temptress who is trying too hard at her job". She calls Simon a knight and bids he follows, and he does so because he's a teenaged boy. She takes him to a cool party outside that I think has a Greco-Roman theme (albeit the satyr has a harmonica for some reason) and drugs him unconscious with flower magic.

#monsterdon

That was beyond pointless. The protagonist learned a lesson about? Not waking people?
#monsterdon

#monsterdon His schnoz brings all the milkshakes to the yard.

ewwwwwwwww, nonce

#Monsterdon

"Hey kid. Don't fuck with the dead. They deserve respect too."
#Monsterdon #WizardsoftheLostKingdom

Hmm… I’m starting to think that is might NOT be a resetting of Yojimbo after all

#Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom1985

The hell was that necromancy thing. #monsterdon

ONE OF US

ONE OF US

ONE OF US

#Monsterdon

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good broadsword at your side, kid

#Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom1985

#monsterdon When you need real men with real rigor mortis, not an down-on-his-luck alcoholic Conan ripoff… they'll stay stiff and hard until their pride snaps off…

God, this is brutal. #monsterdon

BIGGER. Make the helmet BIGGER.
IF I CAN STILL SEE SHOULDER YOULL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN.
#monsterdon

#monsterdon Necromancy, or Necrophilia... or... both?

Writers, coming this way? Oh thank go–

Oh. Riders.

Never mind.

#Monsterdon

Clarification, Simon is the wizard's kid but not the king's kid and I think blue dress girl is the king's kid.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Oh no. It's furnace grate face. He’s.... unstoppable, ish…

Writers? In THIS movi.... oh

#monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom

#monsterdon Do you like movies about gladiators?

@jadebees those make great emergency rain ponchos at Friday night football games, as long as you sit very very still. #Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom1985

"I have an insect woman....you knew I was into that..."

#Monsterdon

Store-brand Han Solo and Temu Chewbacca showed up just in time to do nothing

#Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom1985

he ended up getting to stick his weapon into her after all

#monsterdon

Simon, here 🗡️

You kill it, I'm tired

#Monsterdon

awwww Simon's first "post nut clarity" #Monsterdon

This temporary detour to the end of the movie is brought to you by Saily eSIMs or some other such odious youtube sponsor spot.
#monsterdon

oh hey and that gets me bingo

#Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom

WHAT THE SHIT!? . . . I love him.
#Monsterdon #WizardsoftheLostKingdom

#Monsterdon ⚔️ 🧙 🏰 🌲 🇦🇷 😱

wait we know that blue is good magic and red is bad magic so I don't know why it's green now

#Monsterdon ⚔️ 🧙 🏰 🌲 🇦🇷 😱

this kid is like 11

I only know of Bo Svenson from Beyond the Door III (1989), which is about a class trip to Yugoslavia that is derailed by witches and a killer train. Like The Visitor (1979), it was produced by Ovidio G. Assonitis and has many WTF moments. It also has a *lot* of miniature trains.

#Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom

I'm sure this isn't the den of the lotus eaters or anything.
#monsterdon

Kid sure is 13, huh.

#Monsterdon

Kid gave the soldier so much time to just walk up and kill him outright, but he waited patiently for the kid to have his epiphany moment with the sword.

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon And when he killed, his sword shrank. He's less of a man when he makes a kill.

The swords striking each other sounds like pipes banging together.

#Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom

I gotta point out, splitting your stat distribution is kinda suicidal for wizards. Just 'cos Elminster can do it doesn't make it a good idea.

#Monsterdon

every bandit's worst nightmare, a kid who has visibly never held a sword before #monsterdon

Haven't we all wanted a sword that spontaneously gets longer at one time or another

#Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom

"Isn't this enough?"
"Nope. Still an hour more."
#monsterdon

*sword engorges upon fathers' command

#Monsterdon

Simon and Goldfax are rescued by a drunk mercenary named "Kor the Conqueror" who gives off extreme mall vibes. Despite rescuing Simon, he doesn't want anything to do with his quest to topple the evil government but does ask for some wine. Simon tries to hire Kor, and Kor says no because the kid has no money, but goes along with them anyway, because it's rude to split the d&d party when we're trying to have an adventure here.

#monsterdon

Weird that it didn't occur to either of them to just go around the tree.

#Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom

#Monsterdon ⚔️ 🧙 🏰 🌲 🇦🇷 😱

when a person doesn't know a thing and you wanna scare them you just start a big old chopperoo right over their head but go real slow like you're gonna bisect them lengthwise

just keep swinging your arm any old way with no feedback,. that's how you get good at it

#monsterdon

Every line delivered in this movie sounds very flat and disaffected, where as every noise sounds like someone is nutting #monsterdon

#Monsterdon From Wikipedia:

Ed Naha, who wrote the script, later recalled:

I don't think this movie was so much shot as it was beaten to death. When they whittled it down to what was useful from the footage, it only ran 58 minutes. Now Roger had done a lot of sword-and-sorcery films, and so he told a couple of the editors to pull all they could from them and edit that footage in. So now the finished movie has a 15 or 20-minute prologue that has nothing to do with rest of the film!

...Wait, I thought the whole point of the last plot thing was that he couldn't DO this anymore?

#Monsterdon

Shurka has oompa-loompas.
This movie has everything
#monsterdon
#wizardsofthelostKingdom

Hadouken?

#Monsterdon

Wait. He can't stay ANYWHERE longer than an hour? How does he sleep 🤨

#Monsterdon

(dramatic music) has been replaced by (suspenseful music)
#Monsterdon #WizardsoftheLostKingdom

Gulfax said "please send help, I crashed out on this planet and can't get off, please see my GoFundMe"

#Monsterdon

Y'know, for a kingdom besieged by darkness, this looks an awful lot like a municipal park.

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon Do you have wine? Would your white wookie that speaks gibberish toss my salad?

just a traveling rogue npc named Kor

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon ⚔️ 🧙 🏰 🌲 🇦🇷 😱

clearly this is the first warrior who thought to combine *kicking* with sword fighting he's unstoppable

Overacting like that was last seen on Full House. #Monsterdon

his furry whatchamacallit, huh.

#monsterdon

A man your age should NOT be talking about a boy's furry whatchamacallit!

#Monsterdon #Ultraman

"Run Gulfax!"
"In this fun fur outfit? Are you kidding me"

#Monsterdon

Anyone else wishing they were watching a German made for TV version of Macbeth right now? Somehow it had better production value.

#monsterdon #wizardsofthelostkingdom

They've caught a very small Hulk! #Monsterdon

thinking of having the evil queen's ensemble as my lounge wear...

#Monsterdon

Is that Star Trek music

#Monsterdon

*sexily* They have all been imprisoned.

#Monsterdon

He's killed the Younglings!

#Monsterdon

"Where is the ring"
"Up my ass"

*sighs

#Monsterdon

The boy wizard goes to meet an adult wizard, who is staring in his crystal ball and tells him that the castle is under attack. We cut to a montage fight scene where some goons on horses conquer a castle; this sounds hard but I didn't watch close enough to know how they pull it off.

Some of the goons take the blue dress girl prisoner, but the boy wizard is on another set so he is safe.

#monsterdon

Every time I avenge my dead king I *SWEAR* that it’s for the last time… but here was go again!

#Monsterdon #WizardsOfTheLostKingdom1985

ah, gave the ring to an idiot I see

#monsterdon

Gulfax may be my favourite Monsterdon character this year.

#Monsterdon

This movie feels like a montage.

#Monsterdon

We then cut to the royal court where the King's son (who is a young teenager and a wizard apprentice) is on a castle date with a blue dress girl who wants him to marry her. He distracts her by using his wizard powers to animate a wall gargoyle so it clucks a bit.

Then an abominable snowman shambles in and mumbles something, which the boy wizard understands as a summons from his father because the snowman is his pet and he speaks snowman.

#monsterdon

This music reminds me of the music from another Corman film, The Fantastic Four. I wonder if it's recycled, or the same composer just tweaking his own music. #Monsterdon

#monsterdon So bad the only way to rescue it is with aggressive editing.