just think how embarrassed anyone involved in this film would be to know we were all watching it all these years later

#Monsterdon

Okay, the 'Hitler?' joke got a legit snerk from me.

Props to them on that one. #Monsterdon

I'm not sure a better movie would have had two characters open a coffin, stake the unseen vampire within it, and *then* ask, "Hitler?"

#Monsterdon

Imagine if the earlier date montage had included a stop by a grocery store and a craft store. The garlic necklaces would have been as fully explained as the things that don't matter!

#Monsterdon

It's like the microphones are trying to save us by not working. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach

I curse you never to act again!
#monsterdon

I still command these neon mop handles!

#Monsterdon

Narrator: I was terrified for my life. A bunch of people died. Terrible things were happening. Teehee.

#Monsterdon

This is just the worst Goth bar on LA. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach

I think I kinda wanna smack this movie for making me wibble between "OH GOD OH GOD ANOTHER SONG PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY" and "I wonder what the soundtrack is up to?"

#Monsterdon

@jonny Blue man poof #TheBand #Monsterdon

“Come. Let us go!”

Okay, old man we summoned from a book; we totally trust you.

#Monsterdon

Once again, back loaded plot.

#Monsterdon

Pneapple/extra anchovy: the pizza from hell......#monsterdon

Biggus Dickus

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon Amazing.

Absolutely amazing.

Well, that's convenient. #Monsterdon

SANTA!

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

there was no need for that whole pizza delivery scene

#MOnsterdon

Reading from a Book of the Dead, always a good idea #monsterdon

Vertical pizza... PIZZA DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!
#monsterdon

Wait, they didn't pay for the pizza

#Monsterdon

The computer room has the same Glowing Table as the Good Conference Room. I find this notable because Glowing Tables are a rare item in the real world.

#monsterdon

.....you're that clever shark, aren't you?

🦈

#Monsterdon

Did the director forget how chain-lock doors work?

#monsterdon

For some reason the vampires have generic punks (in the 80s movie sense, not the cool anarchist VFW band sense) to guard their prisoners. They escape via seduction and an improvised pipe bomb. In a good movie the pipe bomb improvisation would have been setup beforehand, a Chekhov's Pipe Bomb, if you will, but um... yeah... instead it was explained after the fact.

#monsterdon

I'm waiting for this to segue into a Microsoft commercial.

#monsterdon

I really hope they have a chase scene in a hallway of doors

#Monsterdon

omg they're using the internet to look up stuff, in 1988

#MOnsterdon

"You wanna play a game of backgammon?"

#Monsterdon

remember when we were getting all the details of their burger orders

#monsterdon

why is the music wacky

#monsterdon

the door was just unlocked!?!?!? she was just taunting him from behind an unlocked room!?!?!? what the fuck is going on!?!?!? #monsterdon

The Richard-Dick scene is so arousing
#monsterdon

"Water. Sick man. Water." #Monsterdon

Have the vampires (the ones with capes, fangs, etc) actually been on the beach at any point? Or just gray people wandering around and grabbing teens

Starting to think this title might be false advertising

#Monsterdon

We wander into the tunnels and reach the vampire temple, which now has a bonfire in the middle of it. The vampires turn off the lights and scowl at them, making everyone scream and run away. The one vampire with a mask decides to teleport around to spook them, explains the evil vampire plan and then fucks off because he has work to do. I assume he means spreadsheets. He was on his lunch break.

#monsterdon

mic guy: "do you want me to like...move closer to them for the dialogue?"

director: "KEEP ROLLING" #monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

"Why don't you just kill us now and get it over with?"

The audience nods along

#Monsterdon

this vampire film has neither kind of stakes #Monsterdon

lol, loving the 'teleport' special effect there

#Monsterdon

"You're CRAZY!"

#Monsterdon

If Spirit Halloween was a film maker. #monsterdon

That Vampire Cloak entrance🤣🤣🤣

I cannot

#Monsterdon

A coffin. A swirled cape. Stage lights, and mumbled lines.

#Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach

Did they just put a single mic in the hallway outside?

#Monsterdon

@patioboater @Lazarou When all you have is a Weird Harold, everything looks like a job for Weird Harold.

#monsterdon

Every time the narrator speaks…

#monsterdon

Dude! The kiss of eternal love is on the “other” lips. Just sayin’.

#Monsterdon

Anyway, after the music video, computer boy explains that he translated the book and it involved something about using secret symbols to resurrect an undead army and conquer the world.

I feel in a better movie, this news would be conveyed in a more notable matter.

#monsterdon

lol "My shame! My failure! I turn away!"

#Monsterdon

"Using an army from hell to take over the world." It's like they can actually see 2025. #monsterdon

Thank God, we're going back to Bob's place

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon I think the only way this musical number could be any better is if the band were also secretly taekwondo masters who all train together at the local community college and fight drug ninjas in a city 4 hours away for kicks.

Why the fuck would vampires write a book about necromancy? Wouldn't necromancy, like, be able to destroy them? Because they're dead and--you know what, I'm putting too much thought into this #monsterdon

Neon lights. Big hair. 80s Music. Vampires. A Necronomicon. On paper this should be a great 80s movie. HOWEVER
#monsterdon

Wait, are we back to the Vampire plot now?

Oh my, this dialogue is so unfiltered and raw, it's like watching real life /s

#Monsterdon

i too have a mad scheme to use the full power of the book

(it's called reading)

#Monsterdon

Twenty minutes left, now taking odds as to how many of these Goonies die :D #Monsterdon

@jonny If they just finish it out with 2 more songs from Dollar Store Eddie Money (h/t @Louisa), I’ll be okay with it.

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon This carries the distinct odour of “You can have our music if we can feature a whole song for no reason in the middle of it.” energy

we're gonna do this whole song huh

#Monsterdon

Loden with love tonight? #Monsterdon

i wonder what the book is doing right now

#monsterdon

@Louisa DOLLAR STORE EDDIE MONEY!

#Monsterdon

Environments in this #monsterdon, in decreasing order of how likely I would be to hang out there if I could:

Beach
Bookstore
Fancy Beach House
Nightclub
Strange Graffiti Hallway
Vampire Temple
Terrible Car-Centric Urban Planning
Bikini Store (I'd feel weird hanging out there)

for those of you joining us for the first time (I think including @Dianora ?) I am so very, very sorry.

#monsterdon

@saucerlost 75% of all white men can sing like that #mst3K #monsterdon

This movie, along with Blackula has a lot of diegetic music.

#Monsterdon

"If my computer skills are finely tuned, which I know they are..."

Alright, let's slip that line into a zoom meeting at work tomorrow and share the video with everyone.

#Monsterdon

@Taweret Yes, murders are still happening, but let's not allow that to get in the way of a good bikini montage.

#Monsterdon

The cut from the bearded guy in the blue shirt absolutely losing it looking at the girls in the bikini shop (???) to the surfer eating shit mid-wave killed me. I'm dead. #Monsterdon

lol, why are we having a 'sights of LA' montage though? Did the city pay for some of this?

Shopping now?

Ah, BIKINI shopping, how subtle

#MOnsterdon

@diazona I get the impression some actual industry professionals were involved here, but used in the service of… this.

#Monsterdon

@SnoopJ Anyone involved in making a movie this bad couldn't possibly have the talent to avoid accidentally doing *one* thing well

#Monsterdon

I like how they include dialog like “should we sit in the back”. Most movies don’t bother with so much detail. I hate when I have to fill in the blanks with my brain.

#Monsterdon

"Green lights all the way"

Harold's getting laid, and it's mostly because of the car.

#Monsterdon

Is somebody keeping count of the montages? #monsterdon

When it comes to vampire computing, my kung fu is the best. #monsterdon

That burger sure is a triple.

#Monsterdon

holy shit did Weird Harold just aggressively pull down his suspenders before eating 😂 #Monsterdon

@Taweret The book's in the subplot with the scimitar, not this car date couple.

#Monsterdon

Some characters wander through the abandoned backrooms and find a secret vampire temple, which is shocking. I think they ran away. Maybe they got eaten. Who knows.

#monsterdon

They're stopping at the Twist-and-Creme! #Monsterdon

this is very BIRDEMIC-coded but is still more competently made

#Monsterdon

the morning after, like nothing happened, but thankfully the forced exposition in this dialogue makes up for any sense of things having happened

#Monsterdon

🎶 Can I borrow a feeling? 🎶

#monsterdon

excuse me, the priest leader of the vampires doesn't know how to handle an aladdin-style cartoon scimitar, i should not question the blade affinity of the underlings #monsterdon

suddenly, vampire

#Monsterdon

A scimitar?

#Monsterdon

What the shit just happened?

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

No the camera mic will work fine

#Monsterdon

Wait, what?

Where are we? Is this in the alley? Below the alley?

What?

#monsterdon

BERETS.

I AM OUT.

#Monsterdon

NO! Get away from the vampires with that… FALCHION! #Monsterdon

oh, y'all

they brought out the BIG GUNS

*ORGAN MUSIC*

#monsterdon

... why did they choose a dark alley to meet up with weird harold?

#monsterdon

Let’s go spray paint the word “gay” in the alley! Why? Because it’s the 80s!!!

#monsterdon

Ahaha they really just fell down and showed their bellies rather than running away from the hoodie vampires. Darwin award winners #monsterdon

okay the smash cut from the screaming was pretty good editing for *this* movie (which sucks)

#Monsterdon