Loden with love tonight? #Monsterdon

i wonder what the book is doing right now

#monsterdon

@Louisa DOLLAR STORE EDDIE MONEY!

#Monsterdon

Environments in this #monsterdon, in decreasing order of how likely I would be to hang out there if I could:

Beach
Bookstore
Fancy Beach House
Nightclub
Strange Graffiti Hallway
Vampire Temple
Terrible Car-Centric Urban Planning
Bikini Store (I'd feel weird hanging out there)

for those of you joining us for the first time (I think including @Dianora ?) I am so very, very sorry.

#monsterdon

@saucerlost 75% of all white men can sing like that #mst3K #monsterdon

This movie, along with Blackula has a lot of diegetic music.

#Monsterdon

"If my computer skills are finely tuned, which I know they are..."

Alright, let's slip that line into a zoom meeting at work tomorrow and share the video with everyone.

#Monsterdon

@Taweret Yes, murders are still happening, but let's not allow that to get in the way of a good bikini montage.

#Monsterdon

The cut from the bearded guy in the blue shirt absolutely losing it looking at the girls in the bikini shop (???) to the surfer eating shit mid-wave killed me. I'm dead. #Monsterdon

lol, why are we having a 'sights of LA' montage though? Did the city pay for some of this?

Shopping now?

Ah, BIKINI shopping, how subtle

#MOnsterdon

@diazona I get the impression some actual industry professionals were involved here, but used in the service of… this.

#Monsterdon

@SnoopJ Anyone involved in making a movie this bad couldn't possibly have the talent to avoid accidentally doing *one* thing well

#Monsterdon

I like how they include dialog like “should we sit in the back”. Most movies don’t bother with so much detail. I hate when I have to fill in the blanks with my brain.

#Monsterdon

"Green lights all the way"

Harold's getting laid, and it's mostly because of the car.

#Monsterdon

Is somebody keeping count of the montages? #monsterdon

When it comes to vampire computing, my kung fu is the best. #monsterdon

That burger sure is a triple.

#Monsterdon

holy shit did Weird Harold just aggressively pull down his suspenders before eating 😂 #Monsterdon

@Taweret The book's in the subplot with the scimitar, not this car date couple.

#Monsterdon

Some characters wander through the abandoned backrooms and find a secret vampire temple, which is shocking. I think they ran away. Maybe they got eaten. Who knows.

#monsterdon

They're stopping at the Twist-and-Creme! #Monsterdon

this is very BIRDEMIC-coded but is still more competently made

#Monsterdon

the morning after, like nothing happened, but thankfully the forced exposition in this dialogue makes up for any sense of things having happened

#Monsterdon

🎶 Can I borrow a feeling? 🎶

#monsterdon

excuse me, the priest leader of the vampires doesn't know how to handle an aladdin-style cartoon scimitar, i should not question the blade affinity of the underlings #monsterdon

these vampires really don't know how to handle their aladdin-style cartoon scimitars #monsterdon

suddenly, vampire

#Monsterdon

A scimitar?

#Monsterdon

What the shit just happened?

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

No the camera mic will work fine

#Monsterdon

Wait, what?

Where are we? Is this in the alley? Below the alley?

What?

#monsterdon

BERETS.

I AM OUT.

#Monsterdon

NO! Get away from the vampires with that… FALCHION! #Monsterdon

oh, y'all

they brought out the BIG GUNS

*ORGAN MUSIC*

#monsterdon

Let’s go spray paint the word “gay” in the alley! Why? Because it’s the 80s!!!

#monsterdon

Ahaha they really just fell down and showed their bellies rather than running away from the hoodie vampires. Darwin award winners #monsterdon

okay the smash cut from the screaming was pretty good editing for *this* movie (which sucks)

#Monsterdon

Remember how coke in the 80's could make you feel like you could do anything? Like, make your own movie? Yeah, neither can I.

Sorry if this is my fault

#Monsterdon

This is a shit beach party, who's freaking out on drugs? Boring!

#Monsterdon

dear lords....double denim....and the hair.....fucking white people (and I say this a white people) ....it's too much....they have to stop!

#Monsterdon

Worst campfire story ever.

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

Confession time…

I wrote this screenplay in the 3rd grade.

I was a bit of a prodigy.

#Monsterdon

WHAT USE could the vampires have for doctor father's body. i have never heard of vampires just harvesting bodies and not either draining them or turning them. are they going to make the doctor father a vessel for something!?!? #monsterdon

This movie sponsored by an Estes rockoon?

#Monsterdon

"This is a job for Weird Harold"

Isn't it though!

#Monsterdon

"This is a job for WEIRD HAROLD."

#Monsterdon

"the doctor was a pro"

he was Bob, listen to her

#Monsterdon

THIS IS A JOB FOR WEIRD HAROLD.

#Monsterdon

@jonny I think the fuckoff-gigantic moon or the red light in that one scene are the extent to which we will be having "effects" in this movie

#Monsterdon

To fix his power issues, apparently.

#Monsterdon

Like seriously, this voiceover sounds like it was recorded with A. with someone who doesn't know how to do voice acting at all and B. by someone who doesn't know how to do sound engineering at all.

Not a good combo for something you have to hear over the whole movie, lol.

#Monsterdon

Narrator, please now say 'It’s just a jump to the left.'.

#monsterdon
#VampiresOnBikiniBeach

For anyone not watching this, the lack of acting is maybe the most notable feature of this movie. They needed to hire a few more theater kids.

#monsterdon

This definitely feels stitched together from all the footage they had, with voiceovers to try and patch the gaps

#Monsterdon

Are you ki—this is competing with The Room for pro filmmaking level

#Monsterdon

@Taweret lol, they're so bad #monsterdon

why is there circus music during this attack???

#Monsterdon

I suspect that this was a completely different movie that they just re-dubbed into this amazing piece of shit.

#Monsterdon

so far all the vampire attacks are shot so they're just confusing? like I assume that was a vampire attack????

#monsterdon

Okay, the budget means we're not going to get any of those cool 80s practical effects, and just get told about the head-squishing etc.

#Monsterdon

these scene changes are absolutely killing me

what do you mean, "establishing shots"?

#Monsterdon

Did, uh, did you just skip a line there, ma'am? #Monsterdon

"You guys really missed the excitement last night."

Yeah, so did we

#Monsterdon

Priest: What??? You want me to read more than one book? You crazy kids… Reading is evil!

#monsterdon

Vampire pretends not to be a native English speaker. Priest pretends to be a native English speaker. I call miscasting #monsterdon

Grandma said we can film on the stairs but we can't go into her room

#Monsterdon

I think this #monsterdon could have been more creative in naming its vampire tome. Also "the book of the dead" is already taken by that anthology of Egyptian Tomb Prayers.

Of course the only non-white character we've seen so far is the maid, that's why there's so much denim around...

#MOnsterdon

Librarian Gameshow Host explains that the burning book was the "Book of the Dead" that was used by a cult of demon worshipers in the Middle Ages and that it's worth a lot of money.

The kids decide not to sell it and instead wander off, while Librarian Gameshow Host makes an Ominous Phone Call.

#monsterdon

It's Isaac Asimov as... The Priest!

#monsterdon

There's so much fucking denim in this movie....

#Monsterdon

and now! TELEPORTED TO SUBURBIA!

#monsterdon

That was an absolutly terrible history of the necronomicon. I object.

(for heaven's sake, no one worships demons)

#Monsterdon

You know kids there’s some *else* who was undead and walked the Earth… his name was Jesus.

#monsterdon

@Taweret Technically we did watch a movie where the vampires were aliens.

#Monsterdon

Excuse me, "Life Among the Space Visitors" is NOT creepy, it's important literature #monsterdon

"oh, this book? i've read it. it sucks." #monsterdon

that was more confusing than scary

#monsterdon

[taking book out of fireplace]

"what the hell, that's like fire!"

#Monsterdon

my ebook is on fire!

#Monsterdon

hey, who stole Gile's VAMPYRE book

#Monsterdon

Vick's Vaporub from Before The Dawn of Time #Monsterdon

That couch looks like it smells so bad

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon

This is the worst acting by vest-ware man that I have ever seen.

I'm actually preferring the Mosterdon films with less plot and character development at this point.

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon Sex in alleys, that's how you get Syphilis PAM.

Holy ADR, batman

#Monsterdon

the hooded guys just reverse pickpocketed the necronomicon onto her #monsterdon

We got side butt and man boobs, but I don't think we got women boobs yet. Did I miss 'em?
#monsterdon

#monsterdon Okay, I'm gonna go, got mononucleosis to spread, ta ta!

omg this sex scene is hilarious, pure The Room.

Tommy ain't even original

#Monsterdon

After our cancelled vampire wedding, we watch a boy silhouette and a girl silhouette walking on a beach and being romantic or something. Then the girl goes home with the boy.

Then we cut to a photo shoot of a girl for some reason. The photographer is boy. The soundtrack gets um... soft rocky. The boy explains he makes his living doing photography but his music is a hobby. This makes the girl horny.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Ahhh, cowgirl position. Watch out for low ceiling fans. Oops, too late. There goes her hair… Vrrrrrmmmmm *splatter*

#monsterdon

The music is the real villain of this film.

I wonder what the denim budget was for this film

#Monsterdon

"Wanna see my place? Real quiet, no room mates. I have a box fan, a backdrop, a big light and a camera."

#monsterdon

I swear, if this guy ends up being the 7th son of a 7th son for reasons related to dealing with that vampire...

#Monsterdon

I love how all these characters talk like video game characters delivering plot

#MOnsterdon

#monsterdon She's married in the east, and lesbian in the west. As you do.