yeah nah, I'm out, can't relive the worst of the 80s, I'm gone daddy gone... lol
✌️
#Monsterdon

these are all amazing performances

#monsterdon

HA HA HA he's noodling them to death! #Monsterdon

heh, the made-for-tv censorship :D #Monsterdon

ah, here we have our tough couple just here to show us how badass the vampires are #Monsterdon

the hooded guys just reverse pickpocketed the necronomicon onto her #monsterdon

It’s the Necro-gnarly-con

#monsterdon

Okay, setting aside how badly this scene wants to be straight-up porn, that many candles HAVE to be a fire hazard. #Monsterdon

“Would you like to have sex now?”
“Sure, just let me light a couple dozen candles first.” #Monsterdon

lol, does he live in his porn studio?

#Monsterdon

The not-ready-for-community-theatre players

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

Things that happened in this movie so far
* we heard a radio report about vampire murders
* we discuss rumors of vampire murders at a beach
* we discuss rumors of vampire murders in a night club
* other things (I think)

#monsterdon

@amyfou Budget cuts.

#monsterdon

Hey, budget Fabio. #Monsterdon

Yes, imagine the police not taking a teen saying there are vampires about seriously, the fascist

#MOnsterdon

every person in this scene has since died of cocaine overdoses. that's my headcanon

#monsterdon

"Why do you think people watch horror films?"

...Okay yeah the meta sort of tripped over itself there huh ^^;; #Monsterdon

"I ain't nothin but a gorehound" by Cramps in my head now #monsterdon

So far, the people in tonight's #monsterdon are all generically "hot" (in an 80s way).

Despite, or perhaps because of this, i can't tell the difference between them besides some of them being "boy" and others being (bikini) "girl"

@Taweret I'm going to need to have the subtle imagery of "sucka" unpacked.

I hope that a character points it out later in the movie, while staring directly into the camera.

#Monsterdon

"I never drink... vodka tonic with a cherry." --Bela Lugosi's famous line #monsterdon

#monsterdon There's so much aquanet there, you can smell it. Nobody create a source of ignition or there will be wreckage and screams!

I've just been visually and audially assaulted by the 80's. Call for help, please. #monsterdon

I like how nobody has any body fat, maybe a collective pound between 5 people

#monsterdon

OH GOD THAT NEON i have BEEN IN THIS BASEMENT D: D: D: #Monsterdon

Linn Drums spotted!

#monsterdon

Okay so we're now setting up a flashback. Someone's in the hospital. A blonde 80s babe pretends to bemoan this state of affairs, explaining that "we didn't mean for that to happen that day, we were just cruising!"

And then we see her in a bikini with two other bikini babes cruising in a convertible. They meet a surfer dude who looks like an infomercial salesperson. He invites them to go surf and one of them leaves with him. The rest drive away.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon

OMG there's narration by the Final Girl?

#MOnsterdon

trying to inhabit my inner imdb reviewer so go ddamn these weird and obnoxious young people from the 1980's with their stupid hair and clothes!!!! #monsterdon

wait are we already flashing back?

#monsterdon

Next we get a long scene of someone, probably a vampire carrying a coffin across a bridge.

Then we see a light house, announcing that this movie was made by "Beacon Films".

I'm sure that no one ever having heard of Beacon Films before watching this by no means an indicator of quality.

#monsterdon

This movie decides to skip any intro and start with a view of a city beach at night, where we hear a radio announcer telling us that a teenage couple was found dead and that people are blaming it on vampires but also the announcer says this is nonsense because there is no such thing as vampires.

We know he's wrong though, because we read the title of this movie before we watched it, but that's part of the fun of a monster movie.

#monsterdon

Beacon Films daring to put their name on this thing...

#MOnsterdon

*knock knock* Coffin service, ma'am, just here to change your sheets. #Monsterdon

lol, is this a Joy Division video?

#Monsterdon

80s synth music let's go

#monsterdon

Vampirisqatsi

#Monsterdon

🦇 TURN DOWN YOUR uh well JUST TURN THEM DOWN OKAY 🦇

(you know what I mean)

#Monsterdon

KOYAANISQATSI #Monsterdon

@floatybirb
It could have been He-Man fun but, no.

#monsterdon

@paco such a violent ballet, like a real life anime movie! #Monsterdon

she's blind NOT DEAF
#monsterdon #pumpkinhead2

@diazona @roque @jonny Maybe a Ring-type tape that removes the memory of you having watched it, plus another memory, but leaves the urge to share this weird tape you just found with a friend. #monsterdon

So upset none of the main human characters died....

#Monsterdon

I REPEAT

THE SHERIFF IS GARAK

#monsterdon #pumpkinhead2

@ohiofi "Ordering Food In Bikini Town"

#Monsterdon

APPARENLTY THE SHERIFF IS GARAK

#monsterdon #pumpkinhead2

Welp, time to dip into the reserves of antiakashic forget-me liqueur. Only 5 doses left, and then I have to find another Hindu god to blackmail. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini

@diazona @Lazarou @moira @wrog The british pub where nothing happens was Stranger From Venus (https://monsterdon-replay.gerlach.dev/stranger-from-venus). The british pub where nothing happens, except Nyah, was Devil Girl. #monsterdon

Writing tips from this week's #monsterdon.

When you need to take up time, just add...
1. A scene where you order burgers.
2. A pretty tame sex scene.
3. Ordering pizza.
4. A bikini shop where all the girls dance in the window while guys outside clap and no one makes you pay for swimsuits you try on without underwear.

@diazona @moira @wrog Devil Girl happened, that was an event. The one I'm thinking of had nothing. Not a single thing, just some British people in a pub talking about Space, but in a dull way

#MOnsterdon

#monsterdon OK, those vampires bit, but I had a blast with the #Mastodon community. Thanks everyone!

Oh. This is weird. What is the word for something like schadenfreude, but you are experiencing satisfaction in the karmic comeuppance you receive yourself as punishment for voting for the feature that you *knew* from the title would be *epically bad* and then watching it anyway? #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini

@combatwombat @roque @jonny It sucks memories out of your head when you watch it

...actually that's not a bad concept

#Monsterdon

@Lazarou @moira @wrog

#Monsterdon

Vampire: Listen to them, the children of the night. What music they make!
Mockingbird: *imitates car alarm*

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

@floatybirb so much ordering of food, was that just to get punters to buy food at the concession stand? #MOnsterdon

We’ve watched some stinkers but JEEBUZZ!

This movie was bad in a way that shan’t be quickly forgotten.

*this post mostly an excuse to say shan’t

#Monsterdon

@diazona @roque @jonny What would a negative film look like i wonder. Do you have to play it out instead of watching? Put on some denim, order a burger, ... #monsterdon

This is pretty much me & @steggy after this film.

#monsterdon

@moira @wrog is that the one in the british pub where nothing happened? Because that's definitely in the ring for 'Worst Monsterdon Movie;
#Monsterdon

@Louisa this #Monsterdon certainly was the Squarest Movie I have seen in my life

@moira

To be sure, this is one of the few times I *didn't* regret not tuning in from the beginning...

#monsterdon

#monsterdon I'll never get that ten hours back.

that was easily up there with Godmonster, a new challenger has entered the ring!

#Monsterdon

Some you win
Some you lose
It doesn't matter how you play the game when you're living on the edge.

Sorta getting into this song.
#monsterdon

anyway I'm glad I didn't catch most of that, thanks @Taweret, @ryan, and the rest of the gang for taking that bullet for me

#Monsterdon

Give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for The Vampirettes
#monsterdon

only you people could make me stand this piece of lousy entertainment. thanks for everypost in tonight's #monsterdon. It was more than needed

@CactuarJoe yeah like, it's weird that the last hour just kinda vanished but who knows right? #monsterdon

Some you win. Some you lose. Guess which this movie was. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini

That t̶o̶r̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ movie will be hard to forget

#monsterdon

You guys complaining about #TheHowling had no idea how good you had it!

#Monsterdon #VampireOfBikiniBeach

craft services, well i think we know who that pizza delivery guy was.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Tonight's presentation has been brought to you by

#Monsterdon

Well. This is pretty impressive. It definitely shows what a lie it is to say that "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is the worst movie.

I mean, this is definitely WELL below that.

Everybody responsible for this movie should think very hard about what they've done and how much time they've wasted

It's a classic of the genre, for sure!

#Monsterdon

Well, it's been.... a movie.

I'm gonna go paint my nails. Thanks, #Monsterdon

And we made it all the way through an 80s movie that had "Bikini Beach" right in the title without a single signature move of all 1980s movies. Complete ass, yes; titty, no. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini

Boom Operators? This movie had boom operators?

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

"What a finale."
"Best damn party I've ever been to."
"Wanna go back to my place?"
[indistinct voices]

NO. You don't get to end like this, movie

#Monsterdon

And they fucked off. Not to anywhere. They just fucked off.

#Monsterdon

Harold's hunger ended up being plot relevant and consistent throughout the film. Which is more than can be said about the vampire stuff.

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon Just end, like the start, didn't have editing, didn't need editing. This is, uh, gratefully over.

ok i find it very funny that the cast credits are organized by scene #monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

@apLundell I wondered the same thing. I assumed there would be a point to it.

I can’t imagine why I assumed that in this movie, but, um … Chekhov’s pizza, I guess.

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

i have no idea what I just watched and frankly i'm thankful. #monsterdon

That Harold guy was like totally weird

#monsterdon

"I'm starving. Let's stop and get… a bite!"
::giggles:: "Harold!"

just… wow.

#Monsterdon

Another #Monsterdon is in the can!

Thanks to @Taweret for hosting!

Tonight's feature, #VampireOnBikiniBeach, from 1988, was missing the USA Up All Night's snarky Gilbert Gottfried intro explaining that "this movie proves you don't need a lot of money to make a good vampire movie". Instead we had,

meanwhile, in an Avicii video

#Monsterdon

what even was any of that

I don't know

anyway, ty for joining, everyone!!!

#monsterdon

The storming of the vampire temple involves the wizard guy wielding a glowing red cross made from two... um... glow sticks?

While this distracts the main vampire, a boy and a girl are wandering around staking vampires in their coffins. one of them is apparently Hitler, which was legitimately funny.

Then the boy and girl rescue another boy and girl who were tied up in the vampire BDSM dungeon.

#monsterdon

just think how embarrassed anyone involved in this film would be to know we were all watching it all these years later

#Monsterdon

Okay, the 'Hitler?' joke got a legit snerk from me.

Props to them on that one. #Monsterdon

I'm not sure a better movie would have had two characters open a coffin, stake the unseen vampire within it, and *then* ask, "Hitler?"

#Monsterdon

Imagine if the earlier date montage had included a stop by a grocery store and a craft store. The garlic necklaces would have been as fully explained as the things that don't matter!

#Monsterdon

It's like the microphones are trying to save us by not working. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach

I curse you never to act again!
#monsterdon