@diazona @roque @jonny Maybe a Ring-type tape that removes the memory of you having watched it, plus another memory, but leaves the urge to share this weird tape you just found with a friend. #monsterdon

So upset none of the main human characters died....

#Monsterdon

I REPEAT

THE SHERIFF IS GARAK

#monsterdon #pumpkinhead2

APPARENLTY THE SHERIFF IS GARAK

#monsterdon #pumpkinhead2

Welp, time to dip into the reserves of antiakashic forget-me liqueur. Only 5 doses left, and then I have to find another Hindu god to blackmail. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini

@diazona @Lazarou @moira @wrog The british pub where nothing happens was Stranger From Venus (https://monsterdon-replay.gerlach.dev/stranger-from-venus). The british pub where nothing happens, except Nyah, was Devil Girl. #monsterdon

Writing tips from this week's #monsterdon.

When you need to take up time, just add...
1. A scene where you order burgers.
2. A pretty tame sex scene.
3. Ordering pizza.
4. A bikini shop where all the girls dance in the window while guys outside clap and no one makes you pay for swimsuits you try on without underwear.

@diazona @moira @wrog Devil Girl happened, that was an event. The one I'm thinking of had nothing. Not a single thing, just some British people in a pub talking about Space, but in a dull way

#MOnsterdon

#monsterdon OK, those vampires bit, but I had a blast with the #Mastodon community. Thanks everyone!

Oh. This is weird. What is the word for something like schadenfreude, but you are experiencing satisfaction in the karmic comeuppance you receive yourself as punishment for voting for the feature that you *knew* from the title would be *epically bad* and then watching it anyway? #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini

@combatwombat @roque @jonny It sucks memories out of your head when you watch it

...actually that's not a bad concept

#Monsterdon

@Lazarou @moira @wrog

#Monsterdon

We’ve watched some stinkers but JEEBUZZ!

This movie was bad in a way that shan’t be quickly forgotten.

*this post mostly an excuse to say shan’t

#Monsterdon

@diazona @roque @jonny What would a negative film look like i wonder. Do you have to play it out instead of watching? Put on some denim, order a burger, ... #monsterdon

This is pretty much me & @steggy after this film.

#monsterdon

@moira @wrog is that the one in the british pub where nothing happened? Because that's definitely in the ring for 'Worst Monsterdon Movie;
#Monsterdon

@Louisa this #Monsterdon certainly was the Squarest Movie I have seen in my life

@moira

To be sure, this is one of the few times I *didn't* regret not tuning in from the beginning...

#monsterdon

#monsterdon I'll never get that ten hours back.

that was easily up there with Godmonster, a new challenger has entered the ring!

#Monsterdon

Some you win
Some you lose
It doesn't matter how you play the game when you're living on the edge.

Sorta getting into this song.
#monsterdon

anyway I'm glad I didn't catch most of that, thanks @Taweret, @ryan, and the rest of the gang for taking that bullet for me

#Monsterdon

Give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for The Vampirettes
#monsterdon

only you people could make me stand this piece of lousy entertainment. thanks for everypost in tonight's #monsterdon. It was more than needed

@CactuarJoe yeah like, it's weird that the last hour just kinda vanished but who knows right? #monsterdon

Some you win. Some you lose. Guess which this movie was. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini

That t̶o̶r̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ movie will be hard to forget

#monsterdon

You guys complaining about #TheHowling had no idea how good you had it!

#Monsterdon #VampireOfBikiniBeach

#monsterdon Tonight's presentation has been brought to you by

#Monsterdon

Well. This is pretty impressive. It definitely shows what a lie it is to say that "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is the worst movie.

I mean, this is definitely WELL below that.

Everybody responsible for this movie should think very hard about what they've done and how much time they've wasted

It's a classic of the genre, for sure!

#Monsterdon

And we made it all the way through an 80s movie that had "Bikini Beach" right in the title without a single signature move of all 1980s movies. Complete ass, yes; titty, no. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini

Boom Operators? This movie had boom operators?

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

"What a finale."
"Best damn party I've ever been to."
"Wanna go back to my place?"
[indistinct voices]

NO. You don't get to end like this, movie

#Monsterdon

And they fucked off. Not to anywhere. They just fucked off.

#Monsterdon

Harold's hunger ended up being plot relevant and consistent throughout the film. Which is more than can be said about the vampire stuff.

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon Just end, like the start, didn't have editing, didn't need editing. This is, uh, gratefully over.

ok i find it very funny that the cast credits are organized by scene #monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

@apLundell I wondered the same thing. I assumed there would be a point to it.

I can’t imagine why I assumed that in this movie, but, um … Chekhov’s pizza, I guess.

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

i have no idea what I just watched and frankly i'm thankful. #monsterdon

That Harold guy was like totally weird

#monsterdon

"I'm starving. Let's stop and get… a bite!"
::giggles:: "Harold!"

just… wow.

#Monsterdon

Another #Monsterdon is in the can!

Thanks to @Taweret for hosting!

Tonight's feature, #VampireOnBikiniBeach, from 1988, was missing the USA Up All Night's snarky Gilbert Gottfried intro explaining that "this movie proves you don't need a lot of money to make a good vampire movie". Instead we had,

meanwhile, in an Avicii video

#Monsterdon

what even was any of that

I don't know

anyway, ty for joining, everyone!!!

#monsterdon

The storming of the vampire temple involves the wizard guy wielding a glowing red cross made from two... um... glow sticks?

While this distracts the main vampire, a boy and a girl are wandering around staking vampires in their coffins. one of them is apparently Hitler, which was legitimately funny.

Then the boy and girl rescue another boy and girl who were tied up in the vampire BDSM dungeon.

#monsterdon

just think how embarrassed anyone involved in this film would be to know we were all watching it all these years later

#Monsterdon

Okay, the 'Hitler?' joke got a legit snerk from me.

Props to them on that one. #Monsterdon

I'm not sure a better movie would have had two characters open a coffin, stake the unseen vampire within it, and *then* ask, "Hitler?"

#Monsterdon

Imagine if the earlier date montage had included a stop by a grocery store and a craft store. The garlic necklaces would have been as fully explained as the things that don't matter!

#Monsterdon

I curse you never to act again!
#monsterdon

It's like the microphones are trying to save us by not working. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach

I still command these neon mop handles!

#Monsterdon

Narrator: I was terrified for my life. A bunch of people died. Terrible things were happening. Teehee.

#Monsterdon

This is just the worst Goth bar on LA. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach

I think I kinda wanna smack this movie for making me wibble between "OH GOD OH GOD ANOTHER SONG PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY" and "I wonder what the soundtrack is up to?"

#Monsterdon

@jonny Blue man poof #TheBand #Monsterdon

“Come. Let us go!”

Okay, old man we summoned from a book; we totally trust you.

#Monsterdon

Once again, back loaded plot.

#Monsterdon

Pneapple/extra anchovy: the pizza from hell......#monsterdon

Biggus Dickus

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon Amazing.

Absolutely amazing.

Well, that's convenient. #Monsterdon

SANTA!

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

there was no need for that whole pizza delivery scene

#MOnsterdon

Vertical pizza... PIZZA DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!
#monsterdon

Wait, they didn't pay for the pizza

#Monsterdon

The computer room has the same Glowing Table as the Good Conference Room. I find this notable because Glowing Tables are a rare item in the real world.

#monsterdon

so they broke into the vampire's lair to re-steal the necronomicon by baiting the creep that was slow walking around the 80's concerthall at the beginning of the movie and then killing all of them by throwing a carefully constructed pipe bomb that only points out, and those are the only people watching the vampire base??? #monsterdon

.....you're that clever shark, aren't you?

🦈

#Monsterdon

Did the director forget how chain-lock doors work?

#monsterdon

For some reason the vampires have generic punks (in the 80s movie sense, not the cool anarchist VFW band sense) to guard their prisoners. They escape via seduction and an improvised pipe bomb. In a good movie the pipe bomb improvisation would have been setup beforehand, a Chekhov's Pipe Bomb, if you will, but um... yeah... instead it was explained after the fact.

#monsterdon

I'm waiting for this to segue into a Microsoft commercial.

#monsterdon

omg they're using the internet to look up stuff, in 1988

#MOnsterdon

"You wanna play a game of backgammon?"

#Monsterdon

remember when we were getting all the details of their burger orders

#monsterdon

why is the music wacky

#monsterdon

The Richard-Dick scene is so arousing
#monsterdon

"Water. Sick man. Water." #Monsterdon

mic guy: "do you want me to like...move closer to them for the dialogue?"

director: "KEEP ROLLING" #monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

"Why don't you just kill us now and get it over with?"

The audience nods along

#Monsterdon

this vampire film has neither kind of stakes #Monsterdon

lol, loving the 'teleport' special effect there

#Monsterdon

"You're CRAZY!"

#Monsterdon

That Vampire Cloak entrance🤣🤣🤣

I cannot

#Monsterdon

@patioboater @Lazarou When all you have is a Weird Harold, everything looks like a job for Weird Harold.

#monsterdon

Every time the narrator speaks…

#monsterdon

Anyway, after the music video, computer boy explains that he translated the book and it involved something about using secret symbols to resurrect an undead army and conquer the world.

I feel in a better movie, this news would be conveyed in a more notable matter.

#monsterdon

lol "My shame! My failure! I turn away!"

#Monsterdon

"Using an army from hell to take over the world." It's like they can actually see 2025. #monsterdon

Thank God, we're going back to Bob's place

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon I think the only way this musical number could be any better is if the band were also secretly taekwondo masters who all train together at the local community college and fight drug ninjas in a city 4 hours away for kicks.

Why the fuck would vampires write a book about necromancy? Wouldn't necromancy, like, be able to destroy them? Because they're dead and--you know what, I'm putting too much thought into this #monsterdon

Neon lights. Big hair. 80s Music. Vampires. A Necronomicon. On paper this should be a great 80s movie. HOWEVER
#monsterdon

Wait, are we back to the Vampire plot now?

Oh my, this dialogue is so unfiltered and raw, it's like watching real life /s

#Monsterdon

i too have a mad scheme to use the full power of the book

(it's called reading)

#Monsterdon

Twenty minutes left, now taking odds as to how many of these Goonies die :D #Monsterdon

#monsterdon This carries the distinct odour of “You can have our music if we can feature a whole song for no reason in the middle of it.” energy

we're gonna do this whole song huh

#Monsterdon

Loden with love tonight? #Monsterdon