@jonny Would be improved by removing the narration (unlike Blade Runner) #monsterdon

@moira it was smooth and without a single edge, it could be a in children's playground #MOnsterdon

@Newpa_Hasai Harold was perhaps the only 2 dimensional character of the 1 dimensional cast #MOnsterdon

So they uhhh...summons a Good Demon and uhh...they had a fight with the vampies and uh...burnt stuff up and. Uh.

THE END

This movie...exists...

And someone uh...digitised it and uh... Tubi BOUGHT IT and SHOWED IT to us

At least it had BUTTS I guess I dunno

It was THE WORST. It was FANTASTIC. Thanks for this #Monsterdon @Taweret it was...Something!

The great thing about the music is that it shows that the audio master on the whole is fine, it's just specifically the dialogue recording that's horrible.

#monsterdon

some you win and some you lose, yknow?

#monsterdon

Ah good. Well then.

Thanks @Taweret for hosting and for #monsterdon gang's astute observations on this fine filmic winner!

That legit made me lol several times, thanks to whoever insist that be seen to be believed, I salute you. #Monsterdon thanks to @Taweret as always!

Ah yes, the memorable characters of:

"when you're living on the edge" there was not one edge in this movie

not one

not one single solitary one

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

location manager. there was a location manager for this movie?

#monsterdon

No coffee. No smoking. Very little actual acting and some amazingly bad sound work.

#Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach

Wow. Really bad. Thanks for the giggles #monsterdon ers. Take care. See ya soon.

.............................

#monsterdon

....the last two girls are vampires now... in the hospital?

#monsterdon

ah there you go

CLEAR SEQUEL MATERIAL

#monsterdon

Why are there daytime bird calls in the background of this movie right now??

#Monsterdon

Birds, they matter so turn up the volume
#monsterdon

there is

a house

in Venice Beach

that's filled with vampires...

#monsterdon

“God, I’m starving”
*takes one bite of pizza, wads it up in disgust, and tosses it back into the pizza box*

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

WHO THE FUCK IS CHIRPING #monsterdon

lol
"There is your kingdom"

throws down plastic head

#MOnsterdon

The all-powerful cross has wobbly plastic bits #monsterdon

@ohiofi This actually makes sense. Or at least, more sense than this movie.

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

when the line reads are consistently this bad it's usually a director problem

#monsterdon

Such violence has neverbefore been seen on screen
#monsterdon

lo, wish I could just disappear people with my cloak

#Monsterdon

oh my god it's like the one director died and the person who took over was like 'this is trash but i can make some jokes with the rest of this'

#monsterdon

In the computer room, the nerdiest blonde 80s boy decides to tap on a computer to solve the vampire threat. Two girls go play backgammon. Then a pizza guy appears. The joke is that the main characters are suspicious because vampires want to eat them, but the pizza guy is just trying to do a pizza delivery. This is the only joke I have noticed in this movie.

#monsterdon

OH GOD IT ACTUALLY *IS* MERLIN D: D: D: D: D: D: #Monsterdon

my sleep wasn't eternal or anything, just very long #monsterdon

"What do you want to do for special effects here?"
"I dunno, do you think the budget would stretch to putting a red light under a page with some weird symbols on it?"

#Monsterdon

so they broke into the vampire's lair to re-steal the necronomicon by baiting the creep that was slow walking around the 80's concerthall at the beginning of the movie and then killing all of them by throwing a carefully constructed pipe bomb that only points out, and those are the only people watching the vampire base??? #monsterdon

JUST SHOVE IT THROUGH, IT'LL FIT #Monsterdon

Pizza in 30 seconds or less or your money back #monsterdon

"Okay let's see what the ol' computer can tell us"

[tap tap tap]

"Okay this is going to take some time"

#Monsterdon

Look at Harold using a computer like a weird guy. That guy is so weird.

#monsterdon

WHEEZING ABOUT THE SCORE

#Monsterdon

...She has explosive boobies? #Monsterdon

I was asking myself why there are still 20 minutes left in this movie, but then I realized that not much has actually happened, so at this pace maybe 2, possibly 3 things will happen before it ends.

#monsterdon

@SnoopJ

Ironically, it was 2.5 good lines that led to someone thinking it would be a good idea to make this movie

#Monsterdon

Feel like Harold is the only character with skills here

#Monsterdon

...wait, the master's name is Voldo? The leather freak from Soul Calibur? #Monsterdon

"Where'd he go?"

He's ducking out of camera, dipshit. #Monsterdon

Because we had an evil vampire conference, we have to have a good blonde 80s people conference, which I think takes place at a glowing conference table, which was also a thing Deep Space 9 had.

I'm unsure what was decided at this conference, so maybe the scene was not all that impactful.

#monsterdon

For the action scene to work we have to see it

#Monsterdon

Back in the room lit by one candle and also some red overhead lighting, the vampires are having a conference. There's a boss vampire who stands on a staircase. There is also a harem of girls who want to be vampires I guess, so they get their necks sucked.

#monsterdon

And so the Yalta Conference broke up... #Monsterdon

"It seems the only time they do anything is at night!"

Unlike this film, where nothing ever happens period. #Monsterdon

"I vill gibb you de kiss of eternal lubb" ::aggressive blocked-straw sucking sounds::

#Monsterdon

The subject matter would seem to need more gravitas. Maybe a little script assistance…
#monsterdon

TAKE ME TO HIM!!!

Sure. He’s three steps to the left.

#monsterdon

Half of the dialogue in this film is just incidental dialogue. Just, "Hey!" "That's crazy" "What?" "Bob!" #Monsterdon

that song was long enough to freshen my drink AND take a piss without missing anything

#Monsterdon

Where's the scene were the computer boy uses his Commodore 64 to translate the Secret Vampire Symbols?

#monsterdon

The girls go to a bikini store so the bikini movie can have more bikinis. This makes the boys outside thirsty.

Then we go back to a nightclub to dance to a generic rock song. I'm not sure why this is in the movie, but I'm not sure why ordering the hot dogs was either.

#monsterdon

"Gather around, monster hunters!"
"Oh boy, high adventure!"

what are you DOING

#Monsterdon

lol, gigs don't end like that, it's so wonderfully bad!

#MOnsterdon

Like, this is The Band That Played California Lady-tier here. #Monsterdon

If I walked into a bar/club and this was playing I would leave as fast as I could. #monsterdon

@patioboater It is utterly baffling that we have yet to see even one bikini vampire in a movie titled "vampires on bikini beach"! #monsterdon

@jonny We have an enriching a half an hour left!

#monsterdon

I think this movie can be classified as a Vampire Musical?
#monsterdon

#monsterdon This sounds stupid, but I didn't realize bikini shops were so exciting.

I didn't realize girls were dancing around in there, I just assumed they were buying bathing suits and then going home.

OMG, this scene shames all mankind...

#Monsterdon

Then the boy and the girl sit at one of those sad outdoor tables you see outside restaurants by extremely noisy streets.

Because this movie is not real, the boy and girl have a conversation while sitting at this table, talking about vampire murders. The boy explains that he can use computers to solve the vampire murders. Then they kiss, before driving some more.

#monsterdon

A boy and a girl go on a date, which means driving a car around and then ordering hot dogs. The ordering of the hot dogs is done in the movie. It is not implied by other events.

#monsterdon

Harold is soooooooooooo weird you guys.

Like gag me with a spoon!

#monsterdon

@floatybirb LOL, I’ve developed the same urge.

Maybe I’ll remake this one, but with more vampires and more bikinis. And some vampires in bikinis.

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

"I've got all sorts of time"

evidently so, ma'am, but our patience is finite and so is this movie's runtime.

anyway, time for a driving montage

#Monsterdon

i legitimately have no idea what's going on in this movie anymore #Monsterdon

these vampires really don't know how to handle their aladdin-style cartoon scimitars #monsterdon

With those boots and that denim it's clear she's come dressed as a "grieving conservative widow"

#Monsterdon

Now who's gonna hold her hand everywhere she goes

🤝

#Monsterdon

@CactuarJoe it _really_ is. hilariously so.

it's the kind of film i would make if i had brain damage and nothing better to do

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

@arrjay

At least in the Howling they had some fun bluegrass

#Monsterdon

lol, awkward goth couple at the party

#Monsterdon

“Bob was hoping you could figure it out on the computer.” #Monsterdon

The boy and girl go to visit the priest and find that he's dead, and decide not to call the police because um... the police will throw them in the loony bin?

They find that the dead doctor copied some things from the book. The boy explains "the book is the key to what's going on, I'm sure of it." and "This is a job for Weird Harold!" Ok.

#monsterdon

Weird Harold is considered “weird” because he knows how to read

#monsterdon

There’s all these weird symbols that I don’t understand because I never learned how to read.

If only one of us wasn’t illiterate.

#monsterdon

Looks like we can get plenty of butts. Shockingly few boobs for a 1980s film.
#monsterdon

lol, I'm going to be hearing this narration recorded into a cheap tape player all day tomorrow

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon The voiceovers are pointless and creepy. Excellent.

@SnoopJ A short relief. #monsterdon

so wait an entire day has passed hasn't it?

did the moon crash into clock town?

#Monsterdon

@overholt you mean they suck at sucking?

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon This bedroom set just exists in a black void.

Taken by leather fringe! #Monsterdon

"Their heads were squished together like jelly"

But we can't afford that special effect so let's use the window of the mind

#Monsterdon

"I believe we can put an end to these evil happenings."

oh, um… right, the evil happenings…

what evil happenings, again? are you talking about the killings? the fact that some people in an alley dropped this weird book? or…

#Monsterdon

"We feel that this book represents something evil. How would a priest know about this?"

lmaoooooo

#Monsterdon

...

DO SOMETHING, GOD

#Monsterdon

“Book of the Dead” because “Necronomicon” has too many syllables for this movie.

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

Next we had an implied beach sex scene but then the girl was bitten by a vampire.

Next, a boy and a girl are taking their Exothermic Tome of Vampire Lore into a library. The librarian takes it away to read it while the boy and the girl remark how weird the other books in the library are because they're about aliens and things.

#monsterdon

"Hello, FBI? I'd like to speak with Fox Mulder. I have a tip…" #Monsterdon

Book of the dead mentioned!

(please ignore that that's not how the Egyptian Book of the Dead worked)

#Monsterdon

This guy ain't Giles from Buffy, is he?

#MOnsterdon

Odds of a #MonsterdonBingo are extremely low this evening, my card is mostly about monster things and I have a feeling there will not be a lot of vampire in this movie.

#Monsterdon

...Is this still a flashback? #Monsterdon