I was asking myself why there are still 20 minutes left in this movie, but then I realized that not much has actually happened, so at this pace maybe 2, possibly 3 things will happen before it ends.
Ironically, it was 2.5 good lines that led to someone thinking it would be a good idea to make this movie
Feel like Harold is the only character with skills here
so these aren't even vampires? there's only one vampire? but the rest of them are just like, the devil and a bunch of thralls? but the thralls also seemed to kill by biting people. #monsterdon
Because we had an evil vampire conference, we have to have a good blonde 80s people conference, which I think takes place at a glowing conference table, which was also a thing Deep Space 9 had.
I'm unsure what was decided at this conference, so maybe the scene was not all that impactful.
For the action scene to work we have to see it
Back in the room lit by one candle and also some red overhead lighting, the vampires are having a conference. There's a boss vampire who stands on a staircase. There is also a harem of girls who want to be vampires I guess, so they get their necks sucked.
And so the Yalta Conference broke up... #Monsterdon
"It seems the only time they do anything is at night!"
Unlike this film, where nothing ever happens period. #Monsterdon
"I vill gibb you de kiss of eternal lubb" ::aggressive blocked-straw sucking sounds::
The subject matter would seem to need more gravitas. Maybe a little script assistanceβ¦
#monsterdon
Half of the dialogue in this film is just incidental dialogue. Just, "Hey!" "That's crazy" "What?" "Bob!" #Monsterdon
that song was long enough to freshen my drink AND take a piss without missing anything
Where's the scene were the computer boy uses his Commodore 64 to translate the Secret Vampire Symbols?
The girls go to a bikini store so the bikini movie can have more bikinis. This makes the boys outside thirsty.
Then we go back to a nightclub to dance to a generic rock song. I'm not sure why this is in the movie, but I'm not sure why ordering the hot dogs was either.
lol, gigs don't end like that, it's so wonderfully bad!
Like, this is The Band That Played California Lady-tier here. #Monsterdon
@patioboater It is utterly baffling that we have yet to see even one bikini vampire in a movie titled "vampires on bikini beach"! #monsterdon
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@jonny We have an enriching a half an hour left!
I think this movie can be classified as a Vampire Musical?
#monsterdon
#monsterdon This sounds stupid, but I didn't realize bikini shops were so exciting.
I didn't realize girls were dancing around in there, I just assumed they were buying bathing suits and then going home.
OMG, this scene shames all mankind...
Then the boy and the girl sit at one of those sad outdoor tables you see outside restaurants by extremely noisy streets.
Because this movie is not real, the boy and girl have a conversation while sitting at this table, talking about vampire murders. The boy explains that he can use computers to solve the vampire murders. Then they kiss, before driving some more.
A boy and a girl go on a date, which means driving a car around and then ordering hot dogs. The ordering of the hot dogs is done in the movie. It is not implied by other events.
@floatybirb LOL, Iβve developed the same urge.
Maybe Iβll remake this one, but with more vampires and more bikinis. And some vampires in bikinis.
"I've got all sorts of time"
evidently so, ma'am, but our patience is finite and so is this movie's runtime.
anyway, time for a driving montage
i legitimately have no idea what's going on in this movie anymore #Monsterdon
@CactuarJoe it _really_ is. hilariously so.
it's the kind of film i would make if i had brain damage and nothing better to do
lol, awkward goth couple at the party
βBob was hoping you could figure it out on the computer.β #Monsterdon
The boy and girl go to visit the priest and find that he's dead, and decide not to call the police because um... the police will throw them in the loony bin?
They find that the dead doctor copied some things from the book. The boy explains "the book is the key to what's going on, I'm sure of it." and "This is a job for Weird Harold!" Ok.
Thereβs all these weird symbols that I donβt understand because I never learned how to read.
If only one of us wasnβt illiterate.
Looks like we can get plenty of butts. Shockingly few boobs for a 1980s film.
#monsterdon
so the vampires chose not to turn doctor father, despite him giving them a direct line to heaven. no survival instincts in the humans or vampires in this movie #monsterdon
lol, I'm going to be hearing this narration recorded into a cheap tape player all day tomorrow
#monsterdon The voiceovers are pointless and creepy. Excellent.
@SnoopJ A short relief. #monsterdon
@overholt you mean they suck at sucking?
#monsterdon This bedroom set just exists in a black void.
Taken by leather fringe! #Monsterdon
"Their heads were squished together like jelly"
But we can't afford that special effect so let's use the window of the mind
"I believe we can put an end to these evil happenings."
oh, umβ¦ right, the evil happeningsβ¦
what evil happenings, again? are you talking about the killings? the fact that some people in an alley dropped this weird book? orβ¦
βBook of the Deadβ because βNecronomiconβ has too many syllables for this movie.
Next we had an implied beach sex scene but then the girl was bitten by a vampire.
Next, a boy and a girl are taking their Exothermic Tome of Vampire Lore into a library. The librarian takes it away to read it while the boy and the girl remark how weird the other books in the library are because they're about aliens and things.
"Hello, FBI? I'd like to speak with Fox Mulder. I have a tipβ¦" #Monsterdon
Book of the dead mentioned!
(please ignore that that's not how the Egyptian Book of the Dead worked)
This guy ain't Giles from Buffy, is he?
Odds of a #MonsterdonBingo are extremely low this evening, my card is mostly about monster things and I have a feeling there will not be a lot of vampire in this movie.
...Is this still a flashback? #Monsterdon
yeah nah, I'm out, can't relive the worst of the 80s, I'm gone daddy gone... lol
βοΈ
#Monsterdon
these are all amazing performances
HA HA HA he's noodling them to death! #Monsterdon
heh, the made-for-tv censorship :D #Monsterdon
ah, here we have our tough couple just here to show us how badass the vampires are #Monsterdon
Itβs the Necro-gnarly-con
Okay, setting aside how badly this scene wants to be straight-up porn, that many candles HAVE to be a fire hazard. #Monsterdon
lol, does he live in his porn studio?
The not-ready-for-community-theatre players
Things that happened in this movie so far
* we heard a radio report about vampire murders
* we discuss rumors of vampire murders at a beach
* we discuss rumors of vampire murders in a night club
* other things (I think)
@amyfou Budget cuts.
Hey, budget Fabio. #Monsterdon
Yes, imagine the police not taking a teen saying there are vampires about seriously, the fascist
every person in this scene has since died of cocaine overdoses. that's my headcanon
"Why do you think people watch horror films?"
...Okay yeah the meta sort of tripped over itself there huh ^^;; #Monsterdon
"I ain't nothin but a gorehound" by Cramps in my head now #monsterdon
So far, the people in tonight's #monsterdon are all generically "hot" (in an 80s way).
Despite, or perhaps because of this, i can't tell the difference between them besides some of them being "boy" and others being (bikini) "girl"
@Taweret I'm going to need to have the subtle imagery of "sucka" unpacked.
I hope that a character points it out later in the movie, while staring directly into the camera.
"I never drink... vodka tonic with a cherry." --Bela Lugosi's famous line #monsterdon
#monsterdon There's so much aquanet there, you can smell it. Nobody create a source of ignition or there will be wreckage and screams!
I've just been visually and audially assaulted by the 80's. Call for help, please. #monsterdon
OH GOD THAT NEON i have BEEN IN THIS BASEMENT D: D: D: #Monsterdon
Linn Drums spotted!
Okay so we're now setting up a flashback. Someone's in the hospital. A blonde 80s babe pretends to bemoan this state of affairs, explaining that "we didn't mean for that to happen that day, we were just cruising!"
And then we see her in a bikini with two other bikini babes cruising in a convertible. They meet a surfer dude who looks like an infomercial salesperson. He invites them to go surf and one of them leaves with him. The rest drive away.
OMG there's narration by the Final Girl?
trying to inhabit my inner imdb reviewer so go ddamn these weird and obnoxious young people from the 1980's with their stupid hair and clothes!!!! #monsterdon
wait are we already flashing back?
Next we get a long scene of someone, probably a vampire carrying a coffin across a bridge.
Then we see a light house, announcing that this movie was made by "Beacon Films".
I'm sure that no one ever having heard of Beacon Films before watching this by no means an indicator of quality.
This movie decides to skip any intro and start with a view of a city beach at night, where we hear a radio announcer telling us that a teenage couple was found dead and that people are blaming it on vampires but also the announcer says this is nonsense because there is no such thing as vampires.
We know he's wrong though, because we read the title of this movie before we watched it, but that's part of the fun of a monster movie.
*knock knock* Coffin service, ma'am, just here to change your sheets. #Monsterdon
lol, is this a Joy Division video?
80s synth music let's go
Vampirisqatsi
KOYAANISQATSI #Monsterdon
@floatybirb
It could have been He-Man fun but, no.
@paco such a violent ballet, like a real life anime movie! #Monsterdon
she's blind NOT DEAF
#monsterdon #pumpkinhead2
@diazona @roque @jonny Maybe a Ring-type tape that removes the memory of you having watched it, plus another memory, but leaves the urge to share this weird tape you just found with a friend. #monsterdon
So upset none of the main human characters died....
APPARENLTY THE SHERIFF IS GARAK
Welp, time to dip into the reserves of antiakashic forget-me liqueur. Only 5 doses left, and then I have to find another Hindu god to blackmail. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini