oh hey I saw my surname in the credits. not a common occurrence!

#Monsterdon

Let's all rejoice for the ending of this hot pile of garbage movie. #monsterdon

It's a tweest! Sorta. #Monsterdon

did the climax already happen? lmfao

#Monsterdon

It’s too bad they didn’t have any microphones in the 80s.

#monsterdon

those people have just been hanging by chains for like 2/3 of the movie with no mention
#monsterdon

the attempts at 'horror comedy' in this are neither

#MOnsterdon

"You must flee for your lives!"

Nyokay. Byeeee~! #Monsterdon

"we found more than we were bargaining for"

more than we were bargaining for: someone breathing fire for one second which we then immediately escape #monsterdon

@jivens The fact that this has nothing other than the hashtag is exquisitely symbolic

#Monsterdon

there are 9 minutes left in this movie. given how little any two scenes relate to one another, i'm assuming one of the remaining minutes will be the "main" "characters" galloping across the hull of a star destroyer #Monsterdon

@log oh cool that explains its reuse thanks! #monsterdon

"pizza's here"

"are you alone?"

*this* *is* *a* *porn*

#monsterdon

seriously, this is embarrassing #Monsterdon

"A lot of re-occuring phrases and symbols"

He's reading the script #Monsterdon

What the *fuck* just happened? And why was it scored with a calliope? #Monsterdon

"you wanna play a game of backgammon?" was a fucking incredible line, surpassed only by the following, "…sure" 😂 #Monsterdon

what in the fuck!?!?!? !?!?!?!?!? #monsterdon

They tried to kill him by making him hug a 2x4! #Monsterdon

"Now you die!"

guy runs in and stabs him with a baguette

circus music starts

#monsterdon

she just PIPE BOMBED THEM!?!?!?! #monsterdon

so these aren't even vampires? there's only one vampire? but the rest of them are just like, the devil and a bunch of thralls? but the thralls also seemed to kill by biting people. #monsterdon

"We're gonna die!"

You're already dying on film, chief. #Monsterdon

really expecting a prominent

COSTUMES BY SPIRIT HALLOWEEN

in the credits

#Monsterdon

i'm fascinated by how they managed to make something this goofy and tacky and managed to make it not fun
#monsterdon

...You guys forgot the boom mic, didn't you? :/ #Monsterdon

why does every voiceover sound like she's flirting with the microphone #Monsterdon

"Come to me, my beauties!"

I want to sleep on a bed of boobies :D #Monsterdon

hi #monsterdon I would like to propose a contest where we all try to write a better beach horror movie script than this one and then vote on the best one.

tagging @patioboater as a likely participant.

"What have you brought me?"

Oh god, liturgical dance D: #Monsterdon

the vampires HAD the necronomicon already, they just sort of dropped it for no reason. they could have just done their entire evil plan and nobody would have known about it until it was done #monsterdon

Hooray the song is over! That's three songs, so they should be out of material now! #Monsterdon

I'm told by @steggy that this is totally normal behavior that happens whenever women go shopping for bikinis.
#monsterdon

lol, the white people dancing, it's so painful, they should not have lights on at these things....

#MOnsterdon

Band: 🎶

Me: *exhausted* Oh thank god! No one is reading any lines from the script right now!

#monsterdon

That is some bad lip synch from the lead singer there

#Monsterdon

@diazona yea can't imagine this one's on anybody's resume

#Monsterdon

@roque

No, because of danger of RMI

"Repetitive Montage Injury"

#Monsterdon

And now, ladies and gentlemen... The reason this film was made. #Monsterdon

Okay these two have a cute dynamic but that scene sucked

#Monsterdon

STOP ACTING INTO THE CAMERA

christ

#Monsterdon

Harold is a COMPUTER HACKOR

#MOnsterdon

WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP INFODUMPING THE SAME THING YOU JUST INFODUMPED FIVE MINUTES AGO #Monsterdon

NOT SINCE REALMS OF THE HAUNTING! #Monsterdon

Love the two-shot on that one that shows the Eldritch Light coming out of bob's Levis. #Monsterdon

...What was that music sting supposed to highlight? #Monsterdon

lol, goths kill blonde teens....finally this film delivers us something!

But yet it doesn't.

No blood, no limbs, nothing....pathetic.

#Monsterdon

MAN DOOR HAND HOOK CAR DOOR

#Monsterdon

"Sure, I'll enter these symbols."

Ancient vampires used precursors to Unicode.

#Monsterdon

The whole mood and setting of this movie are exactly what I thought adult life was supposed to be like in the '80s.

#Monsterdon

so the vampires chose not to turn doctor father, despite him giving them a direct line to heaven. no survival instincts in the humans or vampires in this movie #monsterdon

THERE'S A DEAD GUY THE POLICE WILL NOT THROW YOU IN THE LOONY BIN #monsterdon

I have generic white people blindness so I've just been assuming they're switching out at random every scene or two. https://techhub.social/@diazona/115523057332107655

#Monsterdon

Narration SO unnecessary. Should somebody recut this as a silent film Y/N #monsterdon

If you're going to keep a book of the dead in the house you should get better security. Or at least pay attention to what's going on around you a little bit. #monsterdon

i feel like i need a gif of that priest getting bitten. holy cow that was hilarious.

#monsterdon

And now Killer Klowns music out of nowhere #monsterdon

when i get scared i just run away from wherever i am without a word #monsterdon

In LA? There's one guy you should be taking that book to.....#monsterdon

"This stuff is really scary"

...is it? #Monsterdon

Okay the Earthbound Threed music is not what I'd call appropriate for this scene. #Monsterdon

Because the audience might be bored, we get a sex scene lit by 50,000 candles. Unless I missed something, there is no actual nudity because the girl donned her "Nightie of Cowgirl" beforehand.

#monsterdon

I kinda like that these horny youngsters are all hitting it off, it's cute. Especially the "weird" couple, I hope they're our principal survivors.

Assuming this movie even follows any familiar formula. It seems that it may be a total crapshoot.

#Monsterdon

The soundtrack in this #monsterdon exists on an ever fluctuating spectrum between "rubbish" and "amazing".

Right now it's doing rubbish.

@CactuarJoe make it stop #Monsterdon

Soundtrack bouncing between terminal 80s and weirdly midwestern country music? #Monsterdon

What’s the deal with the 1980’s country music revival?! Why?

#monsterdon

I was considering switching over to Tubi as my copy is quite bad, and it appears to be exactly the same copy.

This film is very nearly lost media, I think.

#Monsterdon

@CactuarJoe Zathras always tellings people not to vampire on the beach, but nobody listens to Zathras #monsterdon

"Yes, I'm the youngest, I-"

EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY, NOBODY GIVES A SHIT #Monsterdon

"Ah, you think the beach is your ally? You merely adopted the beach. I was born on it, molded by it. I didn't see dry land until I was already a man." #Monsterdon

Little known fact, vampirism is associated with Terminal Plot Dump Syndrome. #Monsterdon

lol " she was not the one"

Ok Zathros

#MOnsterdon

That tear is the MVP of this scene

#MOnsterdon

yes, let's call the morgue 10pm and make reservations #monsterdon

"See you later, jerk!"

Did we miss a plot point there? I think the story just spilled all over us. #Monsterdon

What if, like Grizzly 2: Revenge, this movie was like 40% concert footage and 40% stock footage?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#monsterdon

Did they record the applause using a rainstick? O.o #Monsterdon

The recording quality at the beach is *surprisingly* good for site audio of this era, in this budget range.

#Monsterdon

"You need a unique driving experience" The seats are made of french toast! :D #Monsterdon

"must have had the smoke fog in my eyes" #monsterdon

@SnoopJ “We have Koyaanisqatsi at home”

#Monsterdon

"...what's up guys?"
"Literally no guys in this car."

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

✅ voiceover
✅ overacted slow turn and stare down the camera lens

we are on our way to stinky town

#Monsterdon

Ma'am please don't deliver your lines directly into the camera. #Monsterdon

...Okay apparently we didn't need any actual explanation about that scene, moving on. #Monsterdon

Soundtrack's promising XD #Monsterdon

Remember when we needed facts for news stories

#Monsterdon

Launching my #monsterdon thread for Vampires of Bikini Beach! This movie that is widely expected to be bad, but also takes place on a beach, giving me mixed feelings. I'm hoping it has a toy boat in it, somewhere.

Monsterdon is the thing where we watch an old monster movie every week and make fun of it. If this sounds cool to you, feel free to follow along. If this sounds not cool to you, you may want to mute the hash tag to avoid seeing Billions of posts about it.

"This is your KKLA News Update"

#Monsterdon

@north I thought I was the one paying too much attention. I doff my hat at thee. Well spotted.
#monsterdon

lol, that truly was a film made with porn actors to launder some money.....a classic of cinema!

#Monsterdon

@ohiofi Cocaine and money laundering.

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

One person. ONE out of 18 votes got it right. By my reckoning there were NO boobs in this film.
#monsterdon

#Monsterdon

WAIT a minute. That movie was almost exactly 80 min long, wasn't it?

That's the minimum length for a "feature film", right?

That "tax purposes" remarks is starting to sound a lot more plausible to me....

@floatybirb Counterpoint: bikini store was the best part of the entire movie.

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

@roque @jonny This was so bad you could remove every single thing in the film and *still* improve it by removing more

#Monsterdon

Maybe a record

#monsterdon
#VampireOnBikiniBeach

@Crazypedia lol, I don't think I could take another like that in a row! #MOnsterdon

that may have been the worst film i have ever seen, and that is no easy feat.
Good job and thanks for the confusion @ryan @Taweret
#Monsterdon