WAIT DID THEY JUST STAKE VAMPIRE HITLER WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS THIS MOVIE #Monsterdon

Ugh, I hate the “I have this old book, could you tell me more about it?” reference question. Have a defined information need. #Monsterdon

Come on. More vampires, less denim. #monsterdon

I get the strong impression that Vampire on Bikini Beach would have done *severe* psychological damage to me if it had actually been comprehensible at all. #Monsterdon

I must strongly disagree that that looks like an “antique book.” #Monsterdon

“You’re an actress? What would I know you from?”
“Well, I was Leggy Girl Alley in Vampires on Bikini Beach.”#Monsterdon

"This book better not awaken anything in me..."

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

grinding my teeth down to the stump checking the time remaining #monsterdon

And the movie ends as it began.

Incomprehensibly. #Monsterdon

YOUR LIGHTING SUCKS

YOUR AUDIO SUCKS

YOUR PLOT SUCKS

AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT IT

#Monsterdon

“This is a job for Weird Harold.”

Frankly, that may be the best line in the movie.

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

"This is a job for Weird Harold."

#Monsterdon

Rock music? LOL!

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

I have chosen you to be my deathmate!

Sir, this is a Wendy's

#monsterdon

"...Hitler?"

Okay, that was funny. #Monsterdon

A new character with 10 minutes left to go is a hell of a choice.

#Monsterdon

WHEN YOU FILM ON LOCATION YOU HAVE TO PUT THE MICROPHONE NEAR THE ACTORS #monsterdon

“This place is just like it was yesterday!” Yeah, places tend to be like they were the day before. #Monsterdon

Hear me out. What if this mass of undifferentiated teens formed a large ball and rolled through town? We could give them lots of sharp teeth and spike their hair and–
#Monsterdon

Acting is when you say how you feel out loud. #Monsterdon

I too read the newspaper to my hot friends at the beach. #Monsterdon

See, Vampire on Bikini Beach is bad in the way of earnest, genuine incompetence. Nobody involved in the making of this film knew a god damn thing, and yet they made a movie! In a way, it's commendable.

Werewolf of Washington and Godmonster of Indian Flats are bad movies in the tradition of clods who think they're making Important Artwork. They're gonna sit you down and learn you a thing, you better appreciate that.

I'll willingly sit through six Vampire on Bikini Beaches before ONE Werewolf of Washington. #Monsterdon

Like all great works of art, it leaves you with lots of questions…

Why was Harold so weird?

How did this get made?

Why was this movie made?

#monsterdon

I kind of miss the moon
#monsterdon

"Just shove [the pizza] through the door, it'll fit"

Did they not actually pay him?

#Monsterdon

The main vampire.....#monsterdon

Don't start another dollar store Eddie Money song on my account, why not take a break

#Monsterdon

oh okay I was just thinking that this movie needed more original music performed in entirety diegetically

#Monsterdon

Little known fact, the Dingy Fog-Filled Alley was actually hunted and shot into extinction by the horror movie industry of the 1980s. #Monsterdon

"We've gotta call the police!"

Hold on, let me disturb the crime scene first and get my finger prints all over everything! #Monsterdon

what is this house? the whole house is just a photo studio with like cutout versions of rooms connected by an all-white matrix loading zone #monsterdon

the imdb review was right, that was painfully bad bad, not good bad. how do you fuck up a vampire movie?? there's nothing to it. #monsterdon

Ow. That was unintentionally hilarious in all of the best and worst ways.

Thank you everyone for joining #monsterdon ! See you next week for.... something better?

Big thanks to @Taweret for hosting and @cherizilla for bingo -- and all of you for laughing along!

❤️

The drama! The acting! The supernatural fighting between otherworldly creatures. So thrilling.
#monsterdon

what ????? #monsterdon

I wonder what the bikinis are doing right now?

#monsterdon

?????????????? #monsterdon

oh my god are the two wizards going to magic battle to close this out

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon "Double-meat with cheese" is not what he ordered.

Is that a plot point, or did they just forget?

for all the spoken exposition, i have completely lost track of what's happening and where they are #monsterdon

the rare "professor who knows about the necronomicon but does not warn them about it being evil or anything, just wants it for its resale value" necronomicon exposition #monsterdon

"Wanna sell it?"

"No no"

Okay, hold up, I'm calling fraud right there. These people are funding a coke habit that would blot out the sun, you're telling me they'll turn down a quick buck? #Monsterdon

Not the one #Monsterdon #Babylon5

accent veering wildly between italian and slovenian #monsterdon

it's not vampires, it's just the toxic algae clogging the venice canals, but people are more willing to believe in vampires than they are to support bond measures for civic infrastructure and maintenance #monsterdon

Anyway, how're we doing team? Everybody still alive? I can report that the movie has been successfully launched into space, so great work everyone who made it. That one was harrowing.

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

That's a wreck!

Been a while since we've watched a movie this properly bad

Have a nice week everybody!

#Monsterdon

This week on Monsterdon

#monsterdon

holy shit the creaking door sound effects and the birds holy shit #monsterdon

did they just canonically find vampire hitler in this basement? what is HAPPENING.

#monsterdon

Man, these are some weak-ass vampires here. Ken just tossin' 'em about. #Monsterdon

i'm sorry, did he just pause and ask, "…Hitler?"

did i just hallucinate that???

#Monsterdon

"Who are you?"

No clue. The plot's as clear as mud. #Monsterdon

This makes less sense than the middle two episodes of a 70's Doctor Who saga. #Monsterdon

"Tell me, why am I here?"

Buddy, we wish we knew too.

#Monsterdon

“I don’t believe it, a pipe bomb from a book of matches and some junk?” You and me both. #Monsterdon

who in the everloving fuck is this richard guy!!!!! #monsterdon

filming in the completely pitch black basement this rules #monsterdon

the necronomicon was of absolutely zero use to anyone, even as a macguffin. all it did was put them in contact with doctor father who quickly and inconsequentially died. why did the vampires give it to them. #monsterdon

@Taweret I mean who's going to admit having a copyright interest in this film and try to stop them

#Monsterdon

After the Bikini Shop we’re going to the Thong Factory and then the Hot Pants Hut.

#monsterdon

If you’re in a dark creepy alley and come across a puddle on the ground, do not stick your finger in for a taste. #Monsterdon

on the bright side, the movie is half over
on the dark side, the movie is only half over

#Monsterdon

sure ok we can communicate that nobody is answering the door by just holding the camera silently on them as they stand outside the door #monsterdon

These vampires keep biting people on the shoulder. They’re even bad at sucking. #Monsterdon

Hey a butt! We have butt before boobs, that's unusual. #Monsterdon

damn the priest didn't stand a chance, they didn't even give him any sound effects, he just accepted death as was foretold in the book #monsterdon

Nobody in this cast has an INT above 7. #Monsterdon

if someone reverse pickpockets a necronomicon into your inventory, do not bring it home, either craft it into another item or disassemble it into animal skin and loose paper #monsterdon

#monsterdon So, where is this guy from? I'm not quite sure I can place his accent.

wait wait wait

being the seventh son of a seventh son makes you a VAMPIRE in this canon???

i have so many questions

#Monsterdon

I wonder what the moon is doing now. #Monsterdon

Well, that might have been the worst #monsterdon film yet.

Hooray?

this neon cross is fucking incredible #Monsterdon

I like how the director is not afraid to let the viewer decide what is going on...

#MOnsterdon

this blue guy kills peopel by just sort of enveloping them in his cape and then they become smoking husks, what kind of creature is that #monsterdon

I'VE HAD BETTER FIDELITY OVER TELEPHONE ANSWERING MICROCASSETTES

#monsterdon

if you compress all the audio in this movie you get like 2.5 good lines

#Monsterdon

Is anybody else thinking the guy with the scary voice and horrible face SHOULD have been the Master? #monsterdon

I still can’t get over how WEIRD that guy Harold is

#monsterdon

Arise, my wives, and hear the will of Manos #monsterdon

Y'know, I wouldn't be half as irritated if the band were any good at all. #Monsterdon

Now approaching minute fifteen without actual plot or purpose. People are gonna start dying of filler ingestion here, folks. #Monsterdon

Did they just decide to give up on the movie? Like, they're just driving around and picking up chicks, the plot's completely forgotten #Monsterdon

This hot dog scene works on so many levels and is totally essential to the plot

#Monsterdon

"That's scary"

...Is it, tho

#Monsterdon

"And then what?"

Hold on, the writer hasn't finished this page of the script yet. Waaaaaait for iiiiit... #Monsterdon

I was NOT expecting a Strategic Defense Initiative reference in this movie holy shit

#Monsterdon

Narrator's a better lurker than the vampire. #Monsterdon

"It's got those same strange symbols as the book, you've gotta call the doctor"

You could have Early Onset Script-itis! #Monsterdon

There are not nearly enough bikinis in this movie.

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

That's not a bikini, ma'am, I'm gonna have to flag that play. #Monsterdon

BABY OIL!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!! #Monsterdon

After watching some generic hot 80s white people things, we meet our first actual vampire; we can tell he's a vampire because he's dressed in black and has an Eastern European accent.

He's sitting in some room that's full of smoke and lit by one candle and a red alert light somewhere. He's kissing a girl so I think this is a vampire wedding. Oh wait, then he decided that she's not the one and hands her off to someone else to help a plan of world conquest.

#monsterdon

They should have picked an actor to play the vampire

#MOnsterdon

oh, uhhh, you want to get a re-take of that, director?

…no? uh, okay. your movie.

#Monsterdon

A good hammy vampire could save this schlock. Unclear if we're gonna get one of those.

#Monsterdon

"Can I have a screaming orgasm?"

In this film? From *whom*? #Monsterdon

omg this dialogue is so alive and rich...

#Monsterdon

"Do they let people tour the morgue?"

gosh, i wonder how this man will die

#Monsterdon