This hot dog scene works on so many levels and is totally essential to the plot

#Monsterdon

Okay genuinely who wrote this mess? This is *awful* #Monsterdon

"That's scary"

...Is it, tho

#Monsterdon

"And then what?"

Hold on, the writer hasn't finished this page of the script yet. Waaaaaait for iiiiit... #Monsterdon

I was NOT expecting a Strategic Defense Initiative reference in this movie holy shit

#Monsterdon

Narrator's a better lurker than the vampire. #Monsterdon

"It's got those same strange symbols as the book, you've gotta call the doctor"

You could have Early Onset Script-itis! #Monsterdon

There are not nearly enough bikinis in this movie.

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

That's not a bikini, ma'am, I'm gonna have to flag that play. #Monsterdon

this movie takes place at all times on all days, where at any time we can return to the 80's bar to find our friends, who are always there #monsterdon

*cuts to applause

That's how I like sex to go to, with an audience applauding

#Monsterdon

BABY OIL!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!! #Monsterdon

After watching some generic hot 80s white people things, we meet our first actual vampire; we can tell he's a vampire because he's dressed in black and has an Eastern European accent.

He's sitting in some room that's full of smoke and lit by one candle and a red alert light somewhere. He's kissing a girl so I think this is a vampire wedding. Oh wait, then he decided that she's not the one and hands her off to someone else to help a plan of world conquest.

#monsterdon

They should have picked an actor to play the vampire

#MOnsterdon

oh, uhhh, you want to get a re-take of that, director?

…no? uh, okay. your movie.

#Monsterdon

A good hammy vampire could save this schlock. Unclear if we're gonna get one of those.

#Monsterdon

"Can I have a screaming orgasm?"

In this film? From *whom*? #Monsterdon

omg this dialogue is so alive and rich...

#Monsterdon

"Do they let people tour the morgue?"

gosh, i wonder how this man will die

#Monsterdon

Must've had unrestricted access to an ADR booth, I guess. Batten down the hatches, it's gonna be nonstop voiceovers :/ #Monsterdon

I can’t believe my guidance counselor never told me about the possibility of making stopping a career in a car like that. #Monsterdon

everyone knows that women just go limp when you grab them loosely around the shoulders, it's a vestigial reflex from when they are carried by their mothers as babies #monsterdon

@log If you want to know how it went, this is an actual, unmodified clip from the film. It captures the bikini aspect, and the general reaction from us, the audience. Oh, and there was like a vampire on screen for maybe a minute.

#monsterdon

One of the best lines in the movie

#Monsterdon

Overall impression: Not as painful as the Invasions of either the Star Creatures or the Bee Girls, but not in the "they could have had a good thing with one more script rewrite to focus on their strengths" like Krull.

S-tier: Forbidden Planet, Them!
A-tier: Critters 1 & 2, C.H.U.D., Masters of the Universe, Godzilla: Final Wars
B-tier: Krull, Battle from Beyond the Stars, Critters 3
C-tier: The Raven, Maximum Overdrive
D-tier: Frogs, Beyond Atlantis
E-tier: Vampire(s) on Bikini Beach, Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster
F-tier: Invasion of the Star Creatures

#Monsterdon

Anyway, I need a shower. Bleyuch D: #Monsterdon

anyway, um this concludes my thread for this #monsterdon ! My takeaway for this movie was "I should think more before I push the vote button next time."

Thanks to @Taweret for hosting and to all who endured this!

@arrjay The ending of this movie could have used some rising sun.

#Monsterdon

Thank you @Taweret and #Monsterdon for another delightful evening of eye-rolling laughter! I'll see you all back at Bob's place. Bring denim.

👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖👖

Ah, the Michael Easton Band. so this guy has a band, wants to get in a movie, and his best friend from college had half an idea once about a vampire movie, so they got together over a couple weekends and produced this absolute drivel.

#monsterdon

“Why am I here?”

Let that quote stand for this entire movie. I imagine most of the people involved said it at some point during this production.

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

There's a twist ending where we discover the rescued people (I think?) were actually vampires now and they were twitching in their hospital beds, and that's where the narration set it up.

The surviving humans aren't sure what to do about this, so they go get burgers. Then credits.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon I understand that they were setting up for a "twist ending".

But, the guys didn't realize that those girls might not be up for partying after being chained, upright and spread-eagle for at least a day?

wait so that's it!?!?! #monsterdon

i also laughed at the hitler joke......

where did these actual jokes come from lmao

#monsterdon

Okay… it’s actually kind of funny that they both said “Sorry!” at the same time after staking a sleeping vampire

#monsterdon

wait they didn't put a stake thru Hitler?!?!?!?

#monsterdon

Okay the ONE cool thing about this film -- the neon cross. In a better film that would be a symbol of the meeting of the religious and the technological. #Monsterdon

Man, that poor UberEats delivery guy.

#Monsterdon

"oh great, there's another moron we've gotta find"

i promise you have enough morons already

#Monsterdon

OH GOD THIS IS STILL FLASHBACK

NOT SINCE THE AZTEC MUMMY VS THE ROBOT! #Monsterdon

"That's the door"

Nice work, Eagle Eye. #Monsterdon

I wonder what the moon is up to

#Monsterdon

@Lazarou This is *also* a job for Weird Harold!”

#monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

Don't clap along, don't encourage them

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon We're back here again…

Off-brand Rush. Hurry. #Monsterdon

Oh good, more Wish dot com Foreigner

#Monsterdon

This movie is really just the damndest thing. #Monsterdon

in case you forgot, WE ARE IN LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA home of the HOT BABE #monsterdon

"You know Judy, I'm getting a little worried about this murder business."

#Monsterdon

brief detour after nearly having my boyfriend get turned into a vampire underneath the pawn shop by some vampire cult to go get a hotdog #monsterdon

Watching this #monsterdon makes me want to write a better beach horror movie.

Going with "Werewolves of Skimpy Shore" for a working title.

@cocaine_owlbear @patioboater They definitely had to reach a word count goal. #monsterdon

Unfortunately, while having our beach campfire we are ambushed by Beach Vampires and eaten.

Note: Beach Vampires advance very slowly, so if you see any you should just walk away; they won't be able to catch you.

#monsterdon

oh my god this is so badly shot #Monsterdon

Tammy went on to star in 45 films until her untimely death in a helicopter tragedy
#monsterdon

Okay, so vampires... aren't very strong. Good to know. *slowly drags priest* #monsterdon

"we have a bunch of fragmentary notes from an ancient tome and our first throught was to bring them to an incompetent model rocket enthusiast." #monsterdon

HOW are we only halfway through HOW can there be 40 more minutes #monsterdon

I love how these scenes just drag on and are clearly the first take.

#Monsterdon

"THIS IS A JOB FOR WEIRD HAROLD" 😂 #Monsterdon

was that supposed to be a jumpscare?

Bless

#Monsterdon

This is a terrible retelling of Myst

#Monsterdon

I keep forgetting these are the main characters and thinking the real ones will be along shortly after these two die

Oh the priest is dead btw.

#Monsterdon

"My girlfriend is naked on the porch outside! I'd better put some pants on to go kiss her." #Monsterdon

Yeah, that was definitely an FMV designed to play in between two levels of a video game. #Monsterdon

People Telling Each Other They're Arriving At Places: The Movie #Monsterdon

oh hoh hoh a STEEL BICYCLE? you have my attention, movie

I wonder what the bicycle is up to right now

#Monsterdon

show some respect all these buried surfboards are for our lost dudes. you can't just fuck here like it's some cavernous ikea photo studio #monsterdon

This acting would embarrass a porn flick. #Monsterdon

fucking in the cavernous ikea photo studio #monsterdon

also how is this sex scene music??

#monsterdon

oh christ they're trying to be romantic #Monsterdon

@jwisser I was told there'd be no math?! #Monsterdon

be stronk #Monsterdon

...See, the real problem here is he's trying to hit Carpathian but the accent is only getting as far as Londo Molari. #Monsterdon

omg, Tommy Wiseau vampire

#MOnsterdon

This feels like they filmed the initial pitch meeting and just spliced it into the main film

#MOnsterdon

ah yes, applause recorded from the bottom of the ocean #monsterdon

you can go to the energyless 80's show and not dance, but you can't go to the energyless 80's show, not dance, and also just wander slowly around leering at everyone while being a mid 60's dad. #monsterdon

OMG, this live music scene is already a classic

#Monsterdon

"Looks like we're headed for a parking lot."

I may be headed into the kitchen, for another drink. It's clear this dialogue is not going to let up at any point in the next 70 minutes.

#Monsterdon

FINALLY, six and a half minutes into the movie we have both a BEACH and a BIKINI #Monsterdon

great time allocation, 5 minutes on opening credits in an 80 minute movie #monsterdon

When the moon hits your eye like it's about to plow through the atmosphere and annihilate you, that's a #Monsterdon.

This is your reminder that this movie was shown on the USA network and introduced by Gilbert Gottfried. Aaaand you can kinda tell, huh? #Monsterdon

HAHAHAHA THE COMPOSITED MOON WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

#Monsterdon

You cannot go from a cold open to a production company card, I won’t allow it #Monsterdon

Is... Is that the stinger? Is the film over? #Monsterdon

"Put that garlic back in your spaghetti sauce" how did you get it OUT of the sauce to START WITH man??? #Monsterdon

@cshlan I was very much hoping for the He-Man nonsense fun, or at least amusing ineptitude, but alas #monsterdon

Glad I keep voting for "The Asphyx" in #Monsterdon

Didn't even watch tonight, but from the comments -- wow, so glad I didn't.

@log Fradenscheude?

It's a bit like vu jà dé: the feeling that none of this has ever happened before.

#monsterdon

@moira @diazona @wrog thank you!

Devil Girls are from Mars, Nothing comes from Venus, nothing.

#MOnsterdon

Let the record show that, at forty one minutes and ten seconds past the start of the film, there were in fact: Vampires on Bikini Beach. At least this film delivered its title.
#monsterdon

pro and con list

PRO
generically hot people
music sometimes good
weird ass vampire temple with red smoke lighting for no reason
glow stick cross

CON
boring
no acting
lack of water for water movie
music sometimes not good
generic hot people were too generic
lack of setup to every resolution
movie wasted time on burger orders, bikini store, most other events

#monsterdon

I'm gonna go lift my spirits by listening to Trump getting booed again. #Monsterdon

I award Vampires of Bikini Beach one 1 of 5 bikinis. It would get 0 out of 5, but the weird glowing glow stick cross that the wizard used to fight vampires was pretty funny, so it gets one point.

This monsterdon was a tragic waste of potential. It failed to make anything notable or live up to its ridiculous premise.

#monsterdon

oh hey I saw my surname in the credits. not a common occurrence!

#Monsterdon