I'm getting very tired of the #tubi ads ​:neocat_sad:​
#Monsterdon

#monsterdon This exposition is so clunky that even good actors would have trouble pulling it off.

This cast didn't have a chance.

Mullet man is worried.

#Monsterdon

Who is the narrator again? Is it this teen?
#monsterdon

We went to the hot dog place to get hamburgers.

#Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach

NO AUDIO, BECAUSE FUCK YOU

#monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

this film brought to you by FIDELITY FEDERAL

#monsterdon

@Lazarou 😆
#Monsterdon

"You know, Judy, I'm getting really worried about this murder business," is an Oscar-worthy line.

#monsterdon

Release the attack kittens!! #monsterdon

did anyone study drama in this film?
#Monsterdon

like the book was evil. and now the movie is just about getting burgers

#monsterdon

aw man now i'm hungry #monsterdon

Ok, the black beret with loose ponytail is a very cute look #Monsterdon

I think the car rental budget for this movie was bigger than anything else in the production.
Why are we having an extended let's get food, drive to food, and order food sequence?
#monsterdon

This movie is like you woke up after a coke binge in LA remembering that you had to deliver a softcore porn to mgm in 24 hours or they were gonna ruin you #Monsterdon

"Its a hot dog, Michael, what could it cost? $10?"

#monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

I like the fake Huey Louis and the News
#monsterdon

look, sometimes you just NEED a HOT DOG

#monsterdon

And now for a completely different movie...
#Monsterdon

"Food helps me release."

So he fucks holes in watermelons or puts cucumbers in his butt. #Monsterdon

#monsterdon Five hours in, and is there any end to this movie?!

I think this is the first point in the movie we actually get a good look of the vampires
#Monsterdon

#monsterdon SONG BREAK and MONTAGE!

@himbovoorhees thank goodness nothing is going on then isn't it? #Monsterdon

i'm actually going to do a bit of laundry. doubt i'll miss TOO much

#monsterdon

@amyfou

Well, where do YOU get your bikinis repaired???

#Monsterdon

Jesus Christ, buddy, you want a free stroke to go with the sodium you just ordered?

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

#monsterdon Did she say "I have to meet Kim at the bikini shop?"

Looking forward to a hilarious mix-up with a vampire in the changing room.

#monsterdon

Did we have suspenders? If so, I think we have a full 80's/90's clothes bingo.

Whaddya say we... release? Unbelievably, this is not a double entendre

#Monsterdon

I just thinking this movie really needed a driving scene.

#Monsterdon

I actually kind of like Harold and Judy.

#monsterdon

Is there a making-of documentary for this shitshow? I bet that would be way better than the actual movie.

#monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

(43 minutes in) Is Bob the one I'm supposed to feel happy about getting killed? I seriously cannot tell any of these people apart

#Monsterdon

Movie, you are 45 minutes in, this is your second song, and NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!! #Monsterdon

OK, so Renfield pulls a scimitar out of the head of a desiccated corpse and threatens one of the girls with it, only to get kicked in the balls so Bob(?) can take the scimitar, All while the vamp(?) in bad makeup makes vague gestures. That's not even mentioning the set dressings ...

#Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach

Time for the 80s pop tune tie in.
#Monsterdon

@neia At least it's not a page! #GoingStraightToHell #Monsterdon

“All right. Let’s hit the road and… RELEASE!”

Cue 80s sitcom closing credits song.

#Monsterdon

Time for some generic synth pop!

#monsterdon

Sooo many bikini shops where I live, I’m always passing bikini shops
#monsterdon

OH NO NOT THE HOUSE BAND AGAIN #monsterdon

She is totally an expert with this sword and they should all be terrified of her.
#monsterdon

pure movie magic.
these are the most lames vampires ever!
#monsterdon

@whiskeysailor something tells me this isn't the kind of movie where "things" "happen" #Monsterdon

why is this car tho #monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

Yep, this song fits right in to the aesthetic of this movie. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini

Release me from this garbage #monsterdon

This film reminds me of the acting, budget, scriptwriting of Cocaine Shark

But at least in Cocaine Shark they gave us some silly stop-motion kills

#Monsterdon

Perfect place for THE END

#monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

@Taweret And who was that carrying the coffin in the opening credits? #monsterdon

(41 minutes in) 7.2/10 for the screaming in place

#Monsterdon

Weird Harold has a tapeworm
#Monsterdon

did the car get a title credit?

#monsterdon

a bikini shop, you say?

#monsterdon

Pro tip: if you don't want your movie to be boring you should probably edit out the scenes where the cast is just laying around being bored #Monsterdon

Did anything happen? I mean has much actually happened outside the book?
#monsterdon

@apLundell So have these "actors"

#Monsterdon

Why is that girl cosplaying as Cammy from Street Fighter?

#monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

It's only been 45 minutes.

#Monsterdon

I have no clue what is going on… #monsterdon

Where'd they get this roadster?

#Monsterdon

Literal ass Gilbert Gottfried mask as the vampire
#Monsterdon

@tuckerm ...wow you're incredibly not wrong, I could buy it.

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

#monsterdon Love the lady just 'reclining in terror'

@davesdogmaggie It's Christmas Eve. #Monsterdon

what happened to the first vampire tho?

#monsterdon

It is kind of fun seeing old LA in this montage.

#Monsterdon

What's the deal with the sword? I must have blinked and missed the Chekhov's scimitar setup. #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini

#monsterdon I have a confession. I've lost track of which pair of teens is which.

#Monsterdon

The vampire attacks in this movie are such non-events, huh?

#monsterdon

I have never cared for anyone less than the people in this movie.

ok, so all of the vampirification happens offscreen? oh wait... ask and ye shall receive (nice masks!)

#monsterdon

I have to hand it to them.

This movie continues to surprise every few minutes.

#monsterdon

......

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHA

HAHAH

AHAHHAH
HAH
HA.

HEH.

huh.

#monsterdon

I want a whole film of just that alley scene. Waiting for Godot with vampires.

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

the rest of the movie is just these chumps waiting in the alley for their friend.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Are these vampires wearing ponchos? That's like...the worst possible version of a cape.

It FEELS like 2:30am.

#Monsterdon

the wait, is that the same vampire as before?
Oh no, they saved Bob

who was the guy with the sword?

so much denim

#Monsterdon

This is one 80s movie that more boobs might've improved.

#monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

#Monsterdon 🧛 🧛‍♀️ 🧛‍♂️ 🏖️ 👙💪 🫣 😱

i have no idea why any of these things are (a) happening (b) being shown to us nor (c) scored like that

Does L.A. really have Scottish closes? #Monsterdon

What is this now, Shia LaBeouf Live?
#Monsterdon

Wow I bet the story looked real good on paper

#monsterdon

@tuckerm wow you are not wrong

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

Hell yes!
#Monsterdon

NOW we have hit quality. Masks and swords! #monsterdon

is this a different vampire? what happened to the first one?

#monsterdon

Oh, they have a makeup budget!

#Monsterdon

What is with the casually homophobic graffiti?
#Monsterdon

ronald reagan! #monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

(39 minutes in) I dunno that did a great impression of a miniature exploding Death Star, I'd call that very Star Wars

#Monsterdon

Are those kids buying drugs?
#Monsterdon

Because computers. Computers can solve anything. #Monsterdon #vampiresonbikinibeach

It's close to miiiiiidnight
#monsterdon

THRILL! To the musical sting of LEAVING BY THAT DOOR!

#monsterdon

@starkraving666 UGH. ANOTHER time travel episode?!

#monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

Tell me he didn't touch that puddle then taste it.... #Monsterdon