#Monsterdon 🧛 🧛‍♀️ 🧛‍♂️ 🏖️ 👙💪 🫣 😱

Do these vampires not have super strength?

#monsterdon It took him three weeks to attach a model rocket to three trash bags of helium?

He might not be the genius these other kids think he is.

haha! Reagan. #monsterdon

Weird Harold's drone bomb is horrifyingly contemporary, yayy!

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yeah, TAMMY 😡#Monsterdon

“This is a job for Weird Harold!”

Because WHY?!? Because he has an old car with radiator issues?????

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"This is a job for Weird Harold" OK that line is sample-worthy #monsterdon

@Lazarou the take where the vampire flubbed a line 💀💀

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@paco Well that's encouraging!

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Weird Harold is a cryptographer?

#monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

#monsterdon "They'd throw us in the loony bin."

Yeah, you tell the cops you were visiting a priest and found him dead, they'll think you're completely nuts.

Who would ever visit a priest?!?!

(28 minutes in) Yup, it's the real MacGuffin

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i mean uh you CAN still call the police about a dead body. like acab but you still should do that with dead bodies

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Is Siri the narrator?

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And that noise for those of you youngsters out there is called a Busy Signal. See, in the days before cell phones and a thing called 'Call Waiting', when you called someone and they were on the phone, it made that noise and you had to try again later after they hung their phone up. #Monsterdon

At the priestly beach house, the old priest is doing research, then the evil book starts smoking, and then a vampire breaks in and kills him, probably stealing the book.

In some other priest house, a girl gets up at night and walks to the balcony, giving us a Butt Scene (TM). She explains to her boyfriend that a page fell from the book and it has scary symbols on it, and that's why she woke up. Ok.

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As is standard for #monsterdon they just knocked once and then let themselves in.

"the lights are out"

🎶 but you're not home 🎶

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Did they just break into the priests house? Why?

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@diazona the movie is bad, but in all fairness, that was an awesome smash cut.

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

"There's something wrong here."

"Yeah, there's no DX7!"

synth starts playing

"Oh there it is, good."

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The timing of these scenes is incredible.. I like lingering on the priest's body while the dial tone sings out..

Doctor doctor tell me the news. I got a bad case of nosy narrator.
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#monsterdon At the very very least I need to see some beach vampires rocking out on guitars and synth. Please, someone tells me this happens. I don't know if I can last all the way to the end.

Priest didn't hold up his cross in time.

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Otherwise, this has definite "student film" vibes, where you recruit your dorm mates.

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Woah...

NICE BUTT.JPG #Monsterdon

#monsterdon Ahhh, the princess phone. 1988 is marked.

...she's actually flashing the city?

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#monsterdon I really like this scene, the audio is all right there in your face telegraphing that they're going to cut to a different room where they're continuing the conversation, and a lot closer to the camera. We've all seen it, it's like a staple for getting from scene to the next. There's probably even a tv-tropes dot com name for it.

Only that never happens, it's just a bunch of shouting on the staircase or something.

#monsterdon He gets jeans, she gets tasteful crack.

(21 minutes in) OK I can't help but appreciate the cut from the sex scene to the applause

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This movie is waaayyyy more invested in this couple than I am

More vampire, less boring couple in bed scenes, please movie!!!

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Thank God they still have the energy for sex

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Worse vampire attack ever!!! #monsterdon

Vaping kills.

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So vampire is literally just a hoodie kid, eh? #Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach #VampiBeachieBikini

My god, the book's full of LEDs #monsterdon

"Look Bob, I'm scared out of my mind! We're dealing with something supernatural here, how SHOULD I be taking it?!"

Uh, did we miss the beginning of this conversation

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what the hooded fuck? was that a vampire?
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Well, so much for the priest. That was kinda random.

#Monsterdon #VampiresOnBikiniBeach

awww, the priest got nuzzled to death

#monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

Priest: …so you see kids, this is what happens to people that read anything other than the Bible!

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Take the Necronomicon to Father Neil Young #Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

Whew! A jean wedgie looks so uncomfortable. #Monsterdon

Bob, comfort me with your blandness #monsterdon

#monsterdon Priest in a cloak with a collar just is the final word on everything huh? Does anyone know why all the paperboys keep disappearing?

(20 minutes in) I definitely cannot tell which of these characters are having sex

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Squished together like jelly? That's totally radical bro!
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I bet there's just a World Book Encyclopedia or something in the background, though.

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omg for a sec I thought that cut was an ad break

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i'll bet $10 this guy's an actual priest.

clearly none of these people are actors, anyway.

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#Monsterdon
This narration... 🤦

Here comes THE SYNTH

Hello Synth

Welcome

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Sorry, was off doing laundry. Checking in late to Vampires on Bikini Beach (1988). Just saw Temu Buffy and Great Value Spike consulting with no name™ Giles about a "book of the dead" #Monsterdon

What do we want?

MORE VAMPIRES!

When do we want them?

SOONISH!

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they went upstairs to a ground floor room. neat!

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

God everything in this movie happens so slowly, except for the interesting stuff, then it happens in a split second.
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Welcome to McMansion Hell

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That book is worth a lot of money. It's Dungeons & Dragons supplement called Deities and Demigods, but this is the special edition that has Cthulu in it. Those are rare.
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The surfboards stand like standing stones in the early morning before dawn, just in time to become a bedtime snack. #Monsterdon

I think this is the first Monsterdon where I want to say "I wonder what the monster is up to" when the monster is on screen.

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

#monsterdon One of them there necronomicons. Pretty rare, limited print run.

The most fascinating part of this erratic plot is they decided to include a voice over that also doesn't clarify anything. #monsterdon

LOOK WE PAID FOR THIS VIDEOTAPE WE'RE GONNA USE IT

ALL OF IT

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

This book sales scene is intense

Ooo, Giles is going to call the Watchers about this....

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Yeah ✅ Consulting the Lore

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@SnoopJ the unappreciated Blade Runner Valley Girl aesthetic.

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"book of the dead"

I WAS JOKING ABOUT IMHOTEP D: #monsterdon

"...it's what you call a book of the dead."
"And?"
"That's it."
"Oh."

#Monsterdon #VampireOnBikiniBeach

I thought that might be Leslie Nielsen for a moment but then he said he was going to take it in the back and turns out he's just a pervert. #Monsterdon

@roque Is that next week's #monsterdon ?

that girl feels creepy on any day with a Y in it.
eeeew lasagne on a Tuesday that is soooo creepy!
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#Monsterdon You know, a little squishy foley would really have sold that knifing a lot more.

Instead of, you know, complete silence...

In someone's house the Tome of Vampire Knowledge decided to make some Daft Punk noises and light itself on fire.

This woke up the girl, so she called a boy for help. The boy touches the book and confirms that it's hot. He uses this as an excuse to get the girl to come over to his place, a classic seduction technique that only works if your Romance Target has an exothermic Tome of Vampire Knowledge.

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#monsterdon I need to take it in the back and then... touch it, but I can't do that in the open, we have to do this under a blanket, with the lights off.

why would you keep mentioning aliens in a vampire movie

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I love how the narration was clearly an afterthought, it's so beautifully amateur.

This is how Buffy started though, so....

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@davesdogmaggie @jivens It’s Orson Welles’s unfinished magnum opus. #Monsterdon

#monsterdon Oh, that's actually a cool juxtaposition. The surfboards set up like the headstones we saw earlier. Must be an accident, right?

@jivens Kind of exactly, it's close enough to good that I can bother making fun of it xD

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

This narration reminds me of Burl Ives narration of Rudolph, it’s that well done.

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Why does this feel like it's an FMV game? Did this started out as a game that got canceled and they just filmed a little bit more to make a half a plot?
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In So Cal, used surfboards are recycled as tombstones. #monsterdon

Anyone can tell you that a burning book is nothing for two fools to deal with.

Gotta be honest, I've never actually had this come up in conversation before.

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Whadda ya expect if you make out in the Surfboard Graveyard?

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this "plot" oh my god #Monsterdon

proto-buffy

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oh christ that was a major voiceover impact - thank the gods it was short. Everybody okay out there?

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

Better go back to Bob's place and have more soft lighting filtered sex with Bob just to be safe

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Sandy vagina.....

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If their acting improves enough, they might be able to break into pornography.

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#VampiresOnBikiniBeach

Picks up book sitting right next to fire
"OMG IT'S LIKE FIRE."

NO SHIT.

#monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

Yeah, I think a book feeling like it's on fire is a good sign that it's evil
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OH I GET IT, THE SURFBOARDS ARE LIKE TOMBSTONES, IT'S ART!

#monsterdon #VampiBeachieBikini

#monsterdon I'd like to teach them both about radiative heating.

The Nerconomicon? A book of the deadites?
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"Can you come right over?"
"Sure."
[Shows up in the morning]

#monsterdon #vampireonbikinibeach

Lord have mercy. This movie is so ver bad I think I am going to go get my laptop so I can watch some soccer on the side.

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