#Monsterdon wait i thought all the children had to die for him to get life?

#monsterdon So Dave Prowse and Adrienne Corri were in Clockwork Orange.

Sadly, that isn't even the worst vampire movie we've watched, BY. FAR.

Thanks @Taweret for hosting, @miru for the stream, @Cherizilla for the bingo card, and all of you for suffering along with me.

I'm gonna go take a walk and look for Night Skunks

#Monsterdon

That… was not Hammer studio's best work. But, hey, Lalla Ward!

Anyway folks, that was a lot of fun. Same time next week? Try to bee kind and spread love.

Owlbear OUT!

#Monsterdon #VampireCircus

Wow. Unsurprisingly bad!

Thanks @Taweret and all the #monsterdon folk for suffering together though another gem!

For some reason I thought the vampire's lair was further away than...right next to the circus.

Oh well, bat escapes, sequel hook, Anton the Twink and Dora the Explorer live.

That was fun 😀

#Monsterdon

#Monsterdon clown little person vs dandy fight

ty for joining, everyone!!!

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon Crossbow with a bow cross. Nice trick movie. Real good.

So they had to kill ALL the town, specifically including Dora, to bring Dracula back— but now he's back anyway and she's fine and half the town is still alive? Ok it's your movie

#Monsterdon

Don't unplug one vampire to take out the other one. It's just shifting your problems dude.

#monsterdon

The cross doesn't work on him because he's a Unitarian

#monsterdon

The remaining townsfolk burst into the crypt with pickaxes! Emil takes a crossbow bolt to, uh, I'm going to say the liver! The schoolmaster rips the fifteen year old stake out of Mitterhaus's lifeless chest and shoves it entirely through Emil! Someone is waving a lantern around at a bat or something, it's all very disjointed. Dora needs more trauma counselling.

#monsterdon

Emil's death performance almost makes up for how boring this ending is.

Almost.

#Monsterdon

SURPRISE CLOWN DROP!

#monsterdon

I'd buy the dead dancers if the dead guy would stop breathing so heavily.

#Monsterdon #VampireCircus1972

All that's left is Strong man, Panther boy, lady with mole on boob and stale drac

#monsterdon

"Kill all The Others, then our town will be free of the Curse"

Fuck this town

#Monsterdon

That's a very effective cross - poke one and they all suffer the consequences. They might want to bring that along for future use.

#monsterdon

You know the small cross is extra effective because it has gemstones in it.

That's how this works.

#Monsterdon

Now, suddenly, the village has crosses galore?

#Monsterdon #VampireCircus1972

@Terencio Dora rolled a 20 on that cross toss #Monsterdon

Dora had a nice shot with the cross but I'm still not convinced it really follows the laws of physics

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon You should only join a church with a crucifix big enough to properly gore a healthy vampire.

That was a well-aimed giant cross.

#monsterdon #VampireCircus

#Monsterdon 🧛 🎪 😱

wut?

ah, you split up

THAT WAS THE WRONG MOVE ASCOT BOY

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Emil needs a flea dip and to have his murder mittens trimmed.

Convenient that room already had door barring brackets installed. #Monsterdon

YOU ARE DENIED THE MIRROR, ASCOT BOY.

#monsterdon

an extremely menacing threesome

cockblocked by jesus

#monsterdon

MONSTER CHOMP

Emil tooth-stabs Rosa! Alas.

#monsterdon

WOULD YOU STOP JUMPING BACK TO THE DAMN ACROBATS

#monsterdon

@floatybirb it's like the angry boners they get over Trans people....

#Monsterdon

@wohali i'm sure this will come to a satisfactory and narratively coherent conclusion and not just kind of end #Monsterdon

@steggy And we remember all the boobs there, too! Must be something to do with the set...
#monsterdon

#monsterdon The animals respond just like you'd expect. Being BORED with too FEW VAMPIRES. Come on! More unlikely demonstrations of fang-evolution!

It's a fact! Burgermeister is a term for a local official, similar to a mayor.

But we all want him to be real good at grilling.

#monsterdon

@allanb
"This scene depicts the dicotomy between humans and monsters."
"Shut up. This scene depicts two naked titties."
#monsterdon

APE MUST NEVER KILL APE

#Monsterdon

They're really doing it. You know what? They deserve this vampire curse thing.

#Monsterdon

Wait, what did the chimp do that merited death? #monsterdon

That cap

#monsterdon

Mirror People are always weird around kids, that's why they have to be trapped in those mirrors....

#Monsterdon

That one guy's hair looks like if Dee Dee Ramone had gotten old

#monsterdon

Romana the Romani #Monsterdon

As usual, no one can smell dead bodies

#monsterdon

Those corpses decomposed pretty fast

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Anton isn't wearing a bow tie as much as a fellatio napkin.

Fun Fact: Dora here was married to Peter Sellers!

#monsterdon

If goths were serious they'd wear maroon velour jackets and spotted ascots

#monsterdon

30 to 50 wild boars

#monsterdon #VampireCircus

@paco Lol, yeah, they were counting on the blurring to cover it up, but MAN it was bad!

#Monsterdon

What was the fern budget for this movie? #Monsterdon

Blood is not that colour or texture, is that for the Censor?

#Monsterdon

So the strong-man is like actually mute or they just *really* didn't want him to have any lines? #Monsterdon

Always save a child before you begin feasting upon the townsfolk. That a classic Vampire Circus rule.
#Monsterdon #VampireCircus

My response to everything: "Don't worry... I arranged it with the circus people."

#Monsterdon

Characters in this #Monsterdon so far, sorted by team

Team Vampire Circus:
Vampire Rockstar (RIP)
Announcer Lady
Circus Fuckboy
Village Girl
Dwarf
Strongman

Team Provincial Village:
Mayor Burger
Little Girl (RIP)
Village Girl's Mom
Other Indistinct Characters

Team Science:
Doctor Mustache

captain kangaroo just had a stronk

#monsterdon #VampireCircus

Okay, funhouse mirrors are just not that funny.

#Monsterdon #VampireCircus

#monsterdon Papa! Wean yourself off the whippits and the nitrous! Stop it with the morphine abuse! Like a politician!

The count still looks goofy

#Monsterdon

It seems risky to have a mirror that alerts the townspeople

#Monsterdon #VampireCircus

@amyfou For Sure!
#monsterdon

Next, Announcer and Circus Fuckboy are investigating the Abandoned Boob Fortress, finding the tomb of the Rockstar who was stabbed in the cold opening. They announce that they have come to free the Vampire Rockstar somehow and that the whole town will die for killing him. Then we go to another circus scene.

#monsterdon

bless, I love how they do the animal/human transformation (they don't, they can't)

#Monsterdon

Did he just say Boogermeister?

#Monsterdon

So seriously, these ultra-superstitious villagers are not at all even a little bit upset at the sight of people transforming into animals and back?

I mean, that seems like the kind of thing that would get you chased with torches and pitchforks, but whatevs I guess.

#Monsterdon

The next day the now vampired lady (or maybe she's not vampired... she's out in the daylight so maybe the circus boy restrained himself) begs her mom to join the circus so she can hang out with the hot boy she just met, and the mom agrees (surprisingly).

#monsterdon

People flying through the air ... or, are they just badly matted-in bats?

#Monsterdon #VampireCircus1972

Okay after the circus one of the village girls hooks up with a circus boy. They get naked and kiss to dramatic music. The dramatic music becomes less confusing when we learn that the circus boy is a vampire, and he bites her.

The announcer tells him not to do it because "it's not yet time", suggesting that her plan was to take the circus to different towns and vampire up all the ladies right before they leave instead of after they arrive.

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #VampireCircus Great, now the town's going to be overrun with pantherman kittens

#monsterdon Emil finishes quickly. I hear it happens to lots of young men. It's okay Emil, you just need a short nap and then you can try again.

@MindTGap@universeodon.com It sure is taking itself seriously. #monsterdon

Subjective Assessment of this #Monsterdon (so far)

Pro:
Good Cold Opening
Credits were Very Pink
Boobs

Con:
Lots of indistinct characters farting around.
This much nudity early in the movie suggests that the movie may be bad.

It's hilarious in these movies set in the 19th century they don't bother to adjust their haircuts which remain 1970s style.

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon 🧛 🎪 😱

ruh roh

@Taweret #monsterdon

It's because Ameal takes them home and then robs them.

#monsterdon I'm here for the strongman-on-painted-dwarf action really. That's right, wear the high heels, apply the lash. Some lip gloss... yaaaaas.

The original Cat People (1587)

#Monsterdon

Gotta say that was pretty Avant Garde for that audience...

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon He found her special spot, if you scratch right there, she shivers and trembles. Or, it's a STD. Eh, either... both...

This appears to be the live sex show portion of the circus.

#Monsterdon

I think I saw a show like this in Amsterdam once....

#Monsterdon

Tonight, for your eyes alone: crowned heads being delighted

#Monsterdon

This is fucking weird. I like the animals though. #monsterdon

In the next scene, two men are riding horses, then one falls or jumps off of his horse and gets shot at until he goes back. I wasn't paying attention to who the men were, but it's probably almost important though.

#monsterdon

The first rule of not being shot is NOT TO STAND UP.

#Monsterdon

@allanb

They both look the same in Hammer films

#Monsterdon #VampireCircus

Young men really can't take a hint, how many times did they shoot at him?

#Monsterdon

Why are the bullets angled straight down? Are they firing from a plane?

#Monsterdon

kitty cat, kitty cat!

#Monsterdon

look it's the vampire circus from the movie vampire circus #monsterdon

After some delightfully neon pink credits, we go to some village, inside the fanciest room of which the village CDC is meeting to discuss the plague. The head doctor guy, Doctor Mustache, decides that he will go to the capital to get some medicines.

A village dude says that the medicine won't work because 15 years ago they stabbed a vampire and now they're all cursed. He's right, because this is a vampire movie, but normally that claim would probably be nonsense.

#Monsterdon

the other villages put up roblox
#Monsterdon #VampireCircus

I will block every motherfucker that posts “bring out your dead” right now.

#Monsterdon

@SRLevine it's like another hour and 10 minutes after the cold open. #Monsterdon

"It's a disease, something that can be stopped"

hurrah for Science!

They're going to burn that guy, aren't they?

#Monsterdon

"...bring out yer dead."
"but I'm not dead!"
"Shut up!"

#Monsterdon #VampireCircus