NAME OF THE MOVIE!

#monsterdon

@catzilla You think the count can actually get it up, what with the complete lack of blood pressure? Or is this a version of vampirism where the vampires can have boners? I mean, they can come out in the day and all.

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil the Choirmaster is playing his harpischord, when Grand Moff Quaker Oats appears to bother him; they have a difference of opinion, where the puritan Mr Oats believes in Satan and in burning people at the stake, while the Chorimaster, a Deist-coded man of science, believes in vampires instead (and also in Not burning people at the stake). After Mr Oats leaves in a threatening huff, Choirmaster goes back to his piano.

#monsterdon Is "obviously day-for-night outdoor shot" on the bingo card tonight??

Gustav tried that entrance in three other buildings before he got the Schoolmaster

#monsterdon

These two sisters never get out of their nighties

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Elton Jon would crush the organ piano.

ALL of the women should just move to a different neighborhood and fast.
#Monsterdon

#monsterdon Oh my good golly, that scene where Frieda looks into the mirror and sees no reflection is ever so slightly spoiled by the candle and its "reflection" flicking in *markedly different directions*

Harpsichord for continuity with last week #Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

Given the speed of onset and the exponential growth rate of vampirism it's all vampires pretty fast, right? I don't see what interrupts Vampire Planet in about two weeks or less.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

I seriously want to see the trailer for this film. My guess is it was just wall to wall boobage to try and get people to buy that ticket.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon So we have the puritan cult and the vampire cult with elements of no consensual BDSM. Um yea, sounds weird saying it out loud and typing it out.

They are going to run out of women in that village at this rate, but we all know of course humans are capable of such madness.

Death to the Patriarchy!

#monsterdon

That was quick

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Bahahaha was that chair supposed to fall over twice like that?? superb

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil later that night, one of the twins decides to go for a walk in the woods and is kidnapped by the count. She is taken to the Evil Dinner party where everyone wears clothes from a different century, and the Count toasts "To Satan!" which is a valid enough toast I guess.

Count Crabbycakes has an argument with his butler about how the authorities are pursing them, allowing him to be snobby about peasants (they're greedy) and about his butler, who he finds boring.

#monsterdon And by play, we're going to play the Harpsichord riff and call THE GREAT OCTOPUS FROM THE LAST MOVIE!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!

This kind of reminds me of a TOS episode. #monsterdon

Heave that bosom! #Monsterdon

#monsterdon Nothing gets hung up on the dress as she runs through the woods. Sure. Not a snag. Well, Anton must have more vaseline than we thought.

"Day Pretending to be Night"

Vampires in Daylight too, what's going on here?

#monsterdon

If there is a scene with no cleavage, the movie isn't doing its job

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"Check out these evil twins" she said, luring fresh prey

#monsterdon

This is my Niece

And there are her BREASTS

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Apparently in this version of vampirism, the undead can go out in the daytime?

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Outside in the sunshine and not sparkling! He's not effervescent vampire then, more sultry loquacious semi-nosferatu Opera Ghost type.

The count is rocking that day walker thing #monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil in the next scene, the twins are riding their carriage through the countryside, when some hay oinks at them. Because oinking hay is forbidden, some village dudes decide it must be a pig and stab it, and the noise of this violence upsets the twins, who don't like pig murder.

#monsterdon Ahhh, the breast gap. It's where we can hide all the remotes in the castle and drive the count absolutely maaaaad!

They mixed up the twins! Can check off that bingo square.

#monsterdon

Lol, good twin hating the squeals but evil twin loving it

#monsterdon #Boars

Dude is bonking his undead grandma.

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#monsterdon Hey now! SUBTEXT! It has to be CODED. No giving that candle a handy! It's going to burn too fast, and then you'll be in the dark!

*frantically tries to think of anagrams for Carmilla* #Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

Go on, jack his body, make him into a meat puppet!

I know that's Cyberpunk, but still

#monsterdon

#monsterdon I knew the fog machines at Spirit of Halloween were expensive, but they create actual gateways to the great beyond!!!

#monsterdon Great, now the raspberry sauce is gonna call the Kool-Aid Man to come crashing through your chalet.

pretty unconvincing human sacrifice tbh, but then I'm from a century where beating hearts are cliché

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Anyway, Quaker oats guy goes back to the Hotel, which I think is his house now, and complains about the wicket aristocracy that sometimes stops him from burning people at the stake.

Meanwhile, one of the girls has decided that the Count is super dreamy, even though they haven't met him, probably because he has a castle and stood up to their uncle. They resolve to meet him, because obviously he must be hot.

Wonder if the Tech Bros will be into Satanism next year?

#monsterdon

Even the statues are doing the cleavage thing in this movie.

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It's like the KKK but more incel #monsterdon

What Peter Cushing is moaning about sounds pretty hot to me #monsterdon

"Thought the hooded guy was just the waiter but then saw the human sacrifice, would not come again"
⭐ ⭐

#monsterdon

#monsterdon You can smell the count from here. Like dried sausages wrapped in hot leather.

The worst person you know makes a great point

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon I can appreciate when a cult of incels, get roasted for being sex negative.

This is how forest fires really start.

#monsterdon

Heavy RNC vibes now. #monsterdon

"Their whole lives dedicated to sinful pleasures"

Good.

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Unimpressed, Mr. Oats draws his old timey pirate pistol at Count Crabbycakes and is about to shoot him. Then Shirtless Guy steps from out of nowhere to stand in front of the Count, staring Mr. Oats down; he is the Count's wingman and/or boy toy!

The Count tells him to let Mr. Oats shoot if he wants to, because the Emperor would punish Mr. Oats then, but Mr. Oats decides not to shoot and runs away.

Counting this a Count victory.

Count 1. Jehovah 0.

@starkraving666 The best answer to an out of control wig is a really big hat. We need more big hat energy. #monsterdon

Wait, KILOMETERS?? Truly the work of the devil

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

You can tell it's a graveyard because of the mist. Well, also the graves.

#monsterdon

Fun fact: Peter Cushing was 71 years old for approximately 24 years.

#Monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil The Oat party inquisition gallops out to bother the cat lady, and we see a shirtless dude in the woods who hides from them. Anyway, they reach the cabin and we see the crazy cat lady is a young blonde lady who suspiciously blows out a candle and we discover is shacking up with Count Crabbycakes, who is a snarky aristocrat and protected by the court.

Mr. Oats condemns the Count, who quips back then throws his girlfriend at the oats guy, which is a dick move.

...the emperor? Like, Palpatine, or are they in the HRE or something?

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Thy rod, and this teeny musket, they comfort me. Teeny musket. I love you.

Ah, that's me, "servant of the devil", fuck those racist Puritan fucks, they can be some other continent's problem for 400+ years!

Ohhhhh.....

#monsterdon

Now we switch to what's happening at CPAC #monsterdon

#monsterdon (the twins are photocopies of Millie Bobbie Brown, right? I'm not the only person thinking that?)

Coincidentally, Dutch Boy paint started in 1907 as the National Lead Company. The tie to the movie is a lot of these actors appear to have been eating paint chips. #monsterdon

@socketwench Not their best work though, didn't you hear them flub their lines? It's supposed to be "Bok bok BOK!" But they said "Bok bok b-BOK bok!" #Monsterdon

The men wiping the slobber off their mouths
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Truly shocking to learn that Karnstein Castle is inhabited by Count Karnstein #Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

#monsterdon Salem wich trials were one of the most fucked up times in history.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil I forgot to mention that there was a dude in the cabin when the lady was chilling, but I'm not sure if he was important or not.

Anyway, we see the Totally Not a Witch lady flailing and pretending to be burned at the stake over the credits, which is a nice touch. Also, Grand Moff Quaker Oats was saying "Let us pray!" and being all pious while they burned the lady.

Why are there two Millie Bobby Brown's though?
Is this one of those Sherlock movies?

#monsterdon

This is a Dick Bush picture.

*giggles in 14-yr old*

#Monsterdon

I had no idea Puritans enjoyed horsey rides. #Monsterdon

Is this #monsterdon movie going to be good-bad or bad-bad? We await with anticipation.

It’s Hammer time! #Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

It really annoys me that I keep missing #Monsterdon. Argh. The dream is still alive.

@jonny OMG i am DYING 🤣🤣🤣 #monsterdon

what do you think happens if you vamp someone with a cross tattoo? i mean, christians were against tattoos in a pretty serious way at the time iirc so they could vamp out, so what then? big self-propelled cross-shaped flesh launch? or what?

#monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

So they were twins. We're sure about that. ONE of them was evil. The other was clearly not. But there may have been cultural and societal pressures brought to bear that inculcated a sense of what society considers "wrong thinking" in ways that we, as outsiders are not correct to judge. Few people are really the villains in their own plays. In this thesis I will

#monsterdon #twinsofevil

Thanks, @Taweret for organizing another fun movie night. And to @joewynne for the fun cocktail recipes! #Monsterdon

@diazona Palpatine obvs #monsterdon

Oh I almost forgot: there was an emperor who was supposed to come in with soldiers and kill everybody if they stepped out of line, wasn't there? Which emperor are we even talking about? Seems like such an irrelevant detail

#Monsterdon

Great sets, historically inaccurate but great costumes, horny, red corn syrup blood everywhere, a plot that actually went somewhere*, this was a good one

#Monsterdon

*sure it was a mess, and so was the dialogue, but you could tell someone the story of this movie, unlike most Monsterdons

No one was fucked off into the sea. No one death in a cave in the middle of the movie doesn't count.
#Monsterdon #TwinsofEvil

i'm agreed, all in all a very satisfying ending since both the assholes died #monsterdon

WOO both the male leaders die! death to the patriarchy! thanks @Taweret that was great #monsterdon

@paco I was told the way to a vampire's heart is through his stomach

#Monsterdon

I guess the vampires fucked off into hell.

And that was a better movie than I was expecting.

#Monsterdon

Guess a boar spear in the general area of the heart is good enough, when thrown by the righteous man.

That's a wrap, nobody fucked off into the ocean this time.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

And there wasn't even a sea to F' off into

#monsterdon
#TwinsOfEvil

#monsterdon I'm pretty sure most middle aged guys are bland eventually (maybe)

"I guess I'll date the twin I insulted earlier" - Anton, probably.

What a movie. Technically a couple of things happened. I would be hard-pressed to describe the plot to someone.

See you all next week!

#Monsterdon

Yes but there's other vampires still about muhahahahahahaahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahah

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

okay, that was great. i liked it a lot. very dark and fun with an awesome aesthetic

ty for joining, everyone!!!

#monsterdon

that's some weird-ass male pattern vampire baldness I guess?

#monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

Oh, Chekov's boar hunter!

#Monsterdon

That was a Hunger Games quality spear toss.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

#monsterdon You nabbed my left kidney! Ha ha! Tis but a flesh wound!

Classic "Stopped to long to gloat then got speared" ended

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lol @ Gustav getting the axe

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Man, if only heads lopped off so easily in real life. #monsterdon

The thing about burning not destroying vampires was a plot point in one of the previous two movies. The Carmillaverse has its own rules. #Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil