look so OK the devil usually does the schtick of giving you some plainly stated offer or else he gets your soul, so the vampire telling peter cushing how to kill him is in-universe, but look at peter cushing's approach here. he gives a big overhand vertical axe chop and misses abysmally. that's not even close. peter cushing was begging to get axed.

#monsterdon #MonsterdonReplays #MonsterdonAnalysis #BestOfMonsterdon

And so #monsterdon comes to an end, leaving us with some deep thoughts to ponder.

Let us all undo an extra button on our shirts tomorrow, just to remember.

Hey.. we saw you from across the room and abjured your vibe #monsterdon

Ah, this is the incel council, isn't it? #Monsterdon

@strangefour The same sets from Twins of Evil were used for Vampire Circus. Seriously, it's in the Wikipedia article, so it must be true.

#monsterdon

Sure, they bumped off the Count, but here in real life we're still stuck with Jimmy Fallon.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon "The devil... has sent me... Twins of Evil!"

THAT'S THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE

*rolls back a huge velvet curtain, bangs an enormous gong*

*the downstairs neighbours bang on the ceiling with a broomstick to protest the gong sound*

#Monsterdon Despite the best efforts of the buffering demons, I have finished #TwinsOfEvil I award it 4 out of 5 Needlessly Large Hats for being disproportionately entertaining.

I particularly enjoyed the Quirky Posse of Evil, led by the snobby Count Crabbycakes, but also including such luminaries as Shirtless Grunting Guy, 19th Century Butler, Fake Satanist Priests and Snarky Witch Girl. I also enjoyed the 16th century vampire science, Peter Cushing being grouchy and the twins being weird.

#monsterdon Karnstein takes a stake to the heart and the comeuppance of an eternity damned to hell! Absolutely nobody fucks off into the sea, nor is an ocean ever seen or alluded to! And that's a wreck!

Thank you for hosting, @Taweret@octodon.social, this was absolutely pitch-perfect. Thank you for the bingo card, @cheribaker! Thank you, all you wonderful nerds for doing this YET AGAIN

#monsterdon Anton, for pete's sake, she's a student, don't be a creeper. They absolutely had an entire section about this in the HR refresher you have to redo every year.

Boobage is seriously the big selling point of this film. The Collinson twins, who play Maria and Frieda were the first twins to feature on the cover of Playboy, in October of 1970. The film's producer, Harry Fine, saw the cover and decide to change the focus of the film. The film was originally going to be called "Vampire Virgins."

#monsterdon

A real scientist would try staking each individual body part and record the results. #Monsterdon

Nobody better steal my idea for a movie script about evil twin octopus vampires. #Monsterdon

I guess vampire clothing is undead as well, since that doesn't show up in the mirror either?

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Ah I see in this one the name "Gaston" is spelled "Anton"

Noooooooo oooooooone
Fights like Anton
Douses lights like Anton
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Anton

#monsterdon "...BY BURNING THEM" omg it's the burning Elmo GIF as performed by Peter Cushing

Y'all we're ten minutes in and I have had a full hour of delight already

I love how these guys just drag women out of cabins and run them down on the road and then burn them, but now they've got to have a trial for the one with actual giant fangs. I mean, now Juris Prudence?

#monsterdon

Anton's new song just dropped… dead on the cabin floor.

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#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Count Crabbycakes explains that killing people is cool and fun, and also he is a vampire. he bites the one twin on the neck, which causes the other twin (still at home) to Also be bitten on the neck, because that's how twins work I guess. Anyway, then she bites the chained up cat lady, presumably to kill her because killing people is cool and fun, according to evil vampire counts.

Is that Jimmy Fallon playing the evil Count? Maybe Jimmy Fallon doing Adam Ant doing the evil Count.

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil While they're checking in, Grand Moff Quaker Oats walks in to chide them, and the innkeeper who might be their relative, says "this is your uncle ladies, he is a Serious Pious Guy in a Fancy Hat!". Anyway, they greet him and he chides them suspiciously.

That shade of green was never allowed out of the 70s

#monsterdon

#monsterdon OK, geological engineers in the chat - we all know you're there - please weigh in on that architecturally implausible castle at the very peak of that rocky mountain. What kind of retaining wall would be necessary to prop that up? Is it a ridiculous model or a real place?

#monsterdon "I'm not a witch, oh please, please believe me, I'm not a witch" hmmmmm sounds like something a witch would say

But in fairness it is also exactly what any person would say when being threatened by Peter Cushing and a band of... pilgrims..? ...with flaming death. Can't really fault the poor crispy lady for that.

She thinks she can run, but they're still going to blow up her home planet of Alderaan. #Monsterdon

True story, that's the same gong as in Indiana Jones.

#monsterdon

@JoeWynne best to sleep with a cross in your hand, held over your chest. To be safe.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

So, apparently in this vampirism, vampires can come out during the day, have boners and die from getting stabbed in the belly.

Nothing says quality like a Hammer film.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon ....a-a-a-a-and that scene miming out all the weaponry being brought to bear against the count just took me right back out. "What's that? Little Timmy fell down the well??" Oooof

OH MY DOG THIS FIGHT SCENE

#monsterdon Real talk for just a second: wrangling that many extras, with horses, and that many vigorously burning torches? That must have been a logistical nightmare. Well done.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil we discover that if vampires touch crosses, it burns their skin because they hate math that much.

#monsterdon Can you imagine being cast in this film as "loudly shouting religious fanatic 9"? They must have had so much fun filming that scene.

#monsterdon Sunshine also doesn't work. This pamphlet is worthless!

I think the brotherhood is just driving up the price of firewood so they can corner the market.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Anton, no! Maria and Frieda swapped places!

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a wave upon the sand?
How do you solve a problem like Ma-...Frieda?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your haaaaand

One day I'd like there to be a movie with identical twins and at no point is it used in the plot.
Just two people living their lives, no shenanigans

#monsterdon

The two factions in this movie both like killing people; there's the God faction that likes to burn people at the stake because they are suspicious, and the Satan faction that likes to stab and bite people because they think it's fun.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Meanwhile, Grand Moff Quaker Oats is doing his laundry, which is a more arduous chore in the days before tide pods. He takes a candle and wanders upstairs, but doesn't notice that one twin has left and the other twin is quietly worried that the one twin has left, so he goes to bed.

All these Brit horror flicks seem to have a surplus of fertile young women as a plot requirement

#monsterdon

We're all relating to the Evil Twin more, aren't we?

#monsterdon

Is that a candlestick on your mantle or are you just happy to see me resurrected?

#monsterdon

#monsterdon I am starting to think this Count might not be the hero of our little play tonight

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil On our way galloping back to town or church or whatever, the Oatmeal Inquisition stops by a graveyard and finds a vampire victim, Muttonchops Guy, who has been drained of blood. He kind of looks like the count, but I think he's a different white guy.

Not sure what to do, we settle for chasing down some lady collecting apples for her pies and burn her at the stake.

#monsterdon There's a single woman without a husband? Piles of Duracell battery wrappers, and a bunch of progressively older boxes of Hitachi Magic Wands! It's SORCERY! Also, why all the moaning?

contrary to my expectations, I can do a #monsterdon tonight, so kicking off my thread for #twinsOfEvil ! Expecting vampires, puritans, peter cushing and I guess some spooky twins? Actually, I'm very much not sure what to expect.

Monsterdon is the thing where we watch an old timey monster move once per week together to praise its glory and/or make fun of it! if you don't want to see 9999+ posts about a monster movie in your feed, then feel free to mute the hash tag.

@strangefour Makes me wonder if there is some site which tracks down the reuse of wardrobe in film production. Like, we're all wondering what became of last week's hat, right?

#monsterdon

Kinda hoped the Good Twin was turned and the final scene was her winking to the camera like Hannibal Lector off to mischief

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#monsterdon Alright the end lmao too, neither won that's great. This was fun, I like how we had two bad guys and neither won.

Aw, the towns folk are all sad about the death of Gustav. Who will slaughter the innocent maidens now?

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil having retired from a witch burning, the Puritans and the Choir Guy meet in the clubhouse to discuss how the count is an evil vampire. He explains to the puritans that you can't kill vampires by fire, only by stakes through the heart, because he is both the music expert and the vampire expert.

While some are worried that the Emperor will punish them if they kill the evil count, they decide to do it anyway and start forming an angry mob headed toward the castle.

#monsterdon And that's it. Everyone Dies. So King Lear. But at least here we have the obscene pink lettering again. Also, the conductor of the band is blind.

#monsterdon *Maria spots a single red slipper in the misty garden* "Dorothy??"

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Because evil makes you horny, the Evil Twin decides to make a move on the Choirmaster, revealing a Pointy Bosom.

You can tell this is a good B-movie instead of a bad B-movie because it shows us a boob near the end and not near the beginning, where the boobs are used to trick the audience into continuing to watch more.

But anyway, the boob is a trap and the evil goes vampire mode and attacks the choir dude until he grabs a cross to suppress her.

Anton addressing the brotherhood is such a Monty Python scene. lol

#monsterdon

"God, is with our cause"

Oh they all say that, then do terrible things.

#monsterdon

"THEN WHY DOESN'T THE EMPEROR ACT?!"

Because the galaxy is large and the Rebellion has him busy

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Mr Oats resolves to kill the one twin because she's a vampire and mercilessly killing those he thinks are servants of satan is kind of his thing, and the other twin mutters in her bed that she shouldn't go to see the evil count.

the evil count snoops in on her, then pulls open her blanket to reveal a cross, which scares him away because vampires fear arithmetic.

#monsterdon I really feel bad for the women that were innocent and got burned and or kidnapped by vampires, seriously there is no peace.

Nobody would suspect the twins of swapping identities, nobody. Twins would never do that, the Code!

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil anyway, the choirmaster dude is entertaining the ladies when Mr Oats busts in, complaining that he doesn't believe in the devil. choirmaster guy is like "dude wtf" and then Mr Oats is like "here is my proof!" and shows him (and the girls) a dead body, so that everyone can be traumatized.

Anyway, not sure why he did that because the choir guy already believed in vampires, and I'm pretty sure the dead guy was killed by a vampire?

How do you solve a problem like Maria not being vampirey enough for a double burning?

#monsterdon

#monsterdon I want to see the puritans and vampires fight.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil anyway, the hunter guy has decided that burning people at the stake sucks and is dumb, which is a good and correct opinion to have. He tells this to a girl who I think is the schoolmarm and his best friend; I might have her mixed up with another character though. He also says that he likes the one twin, but not the other, not knowing that both are vampires now.

How does Frieda do her hair, now that she can't see herself in the mirror?

#monsterdon

There's definitely a double entendre in the title of this flick. #monsterdon

@Taweret plot exposition and foreshadowing, typically #Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

#monsterdon *Weil carrying a lit candlestick around a dark house*

I'm sorry, I just can't look a candle in the face in this movie anymore after that makeout scene with undead whatsername

Pervy uncle creeping up the stairs towards Good Twin......these Puritans, all the same....

#monsterdon

See, one is big on lip gloss and the other has matte lips. It's how you can tell them apart, I tell you.

#monsterdon

Whew - an ad break on Tubi. Need a breather from all that cleavage.

#monsterdon

lol - is this the Castle Anthrax from Monty Python's Holy Grail?

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil your guide to Satanist Castle Wardrobes:
Count Crabbycakes: dresses like an 18th century composer / romantic poet
His Butler: dresses like a 19th century rich dude
Satanist Posse: dress like fancy priests, possibly medieval?

Everyone else in this movie dresses like it's a musical production of Beauty and the Beast, unless they are the Puritan Quaker Oats Inquisition.

Twins of Evil!!!! #monsterdon

Discount on robes of unusual size on aisle five.

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Anyway, I think I was wrong about part of this movie being in Europe and part of this being in Massachusetts; I think the whole movie is in some sort of Protestant Holy Roman Empire place, just with a Puritan inquisitorial order that runs around doing Spanish Inquisition shit.

This is probably rather ahistorical; not sure if any Holy Roman state matches that religious criteria, but it also has vampires, which I guess are not also historical, probably?

Bored aristocrats always go for the stranglewank death or Satanism

#monsterdon

She's really excited about hearing about men stripped naked. Just look at her eyes gleam.

#monsterdon

This movie has a strong similarity to a couple of MontyPython flicks, with fewer gags.

#monsterdon

"Blame the nearest attractive woman!"

OMG little changes in centuries.

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#monsterdon "Pray for me, Weil¹! That's what you're supposed to do for sinners, isn't it? Pray for me!!" A PROPER TAUNTING this is fantastic

¹: corrected from the phonetic "Vile", thanks to @nev

#monsterdon Oh good, we're establishing in the dialog that the twins are indeed identical, after hair and makeup gave them identical looks, and after wardrobe gave them identical costumes. Glad we got that sorted out. Maybe the lighting department could reinforce it too, identical shafts of light or something? Also craft services and the union rep please

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil For the next scene, I think we've crossed to pond to Old Europe, where some youths are futzing around in a tree when a carriage pulls up, carrying two ladies who are perhaps the Titular Evil Twins. They see a castle on the hill, letting me know that this is Europe, because the US doesn't have castles, only Cheesecake Factories.

#TwinsOfEvil starts with a guy hitting a giant drum and then we see some early modern people riding horses earnestly. Some lady is then chilling in a cabin, when Grand Moff Quaker Oats breaks down the door and drags her, out, surrounded by a bunch of puritan henchman. I guess this is Massachusetts during its most cursed phase.

The lady objects that she is not a witch and shows a crucifix to prove it, but Mr. Oats is Not Impressed and opts instead to burn her at the stake.

#Monsterdon

Taking the old family barbecue to the next level. #Monsterdon

Didn't expect the #Monsterdon to begin with a GOP convention.

Already I'm behind what vicious revenge is unleashed on the Patriarchy

#monsterdon

Is this Puritan England or America in the future, you decide in November!

#monsterdon

#monsterdon HERE WE GO

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil After laughing evilly, Count Crabby cakes is impaled by a javelin throw by the choir guy, who rescues the Good Twin, who is horrified that the defeated count develops post mortem baldness and then transforms into a creepy skeleton.

The angry mob descends into a funeral mob and holds last rites for Mr. Oats. Then... credits roll.

there was a lot to keep abreast of in that movie #monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil count crabbycakes appears on the balcony, threatening the good twin. A dramatic confrontation appears as Mr. Oats threatens him with an axe, but fails his attack roll. the Count steals the axe and throws it at Mr. Oats, hitting him and then tossing him off the balcony to his death.

At this point, buffering issues limits my ability to report on what's going on.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Back at the evil castle, which is decorated with Tasteful Skulls, Shirtless Guy (who is wearing a shirt) reports that an angry mob is headed to the castle. We learn that he is a mute, so he reports this by grunting and gesturing, which somehow prompts the count to do a domestic violence and slap his Evil Twin Girlfriend.

@jmelesky to be fair that is my natural reaction to a crucifix being held at me #monsterdon

I like the contemporary vampires that burst into flames or pints of blood

#monsterdon

Darn only clipped his ear

#monsterdon

The movie had an R-rating quota to fill

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#monsterdon How do you solve a problem like Maria? Let the count grab her.

#monsterdon [ distant wolves howling ]

[ wolves howling distant ]

[ howling distant wolves ]

[ wolves wolves wolves ]

Oh heck, Weil, that was a heck of a swing. Egads.

Red Shoe Diaries

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil I must apologize that due to buffering I am several minutes behind on this movie.

Anyway, the next scene is one of the other female characters appearing to object to the witch burning, because mercy is good and stuff. Mr. Oats is unimpressed, but hesitates to light the pyre himself, so his head henchpuritan volunteers instead.