#monsterdon Nosferatu were remarkably adept at both Harpsichords and Hammered Dulcimers.

#monsterdon You can tell Anton is the hero here because his attempts at harpsichordery drive away innocent bystanders and he keeps a human skull on top of his pile of books

I like how everyone in this movie, set in the 18th-ish century, has 1970s hairdos.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Nooooo oooooone gripes like Anton
Stares straight down the camera like Anton
No one ping-pongs between emotional extremes like Anton

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil characters

team evil:
Count Crabbycakes (obvious vampire)
Shirtless Guy
Butler Guy
Cat Lady
Evil Twin
Other Evil Twin

other team evil
Grand Moff Quaker Oats
Pig Killer Guy
Schoolmarm lady
Other Inquisitors

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Back at the evil dinner party, Count Crabbycakes is trying to arrange a threesome between the Witchy Cat Lady and the Kidnapped Twin, by asking the cat lady how hot she thinks the twin is. She complains that her opinion doesn't matter to him anyway, because the count is a snob toward peasants, which makes him mad.

Anyway, she runs away but then the shirtless guy (who now has a shirt) captures her.

One bite and you're a Vamp, not a messy as contemporary vamps with all the blood swapping and wrist biting.
A lot of wrist biting...

#monsterdon

This vampire is not vegetarian.

#monsterdon

Dietrich has "Mr Smithers is not interested in girls" vibe to him

#monsterdon

Vampires are afraid of fire due to all the hairspray they use. #Monsterdon

One of the twins is...
unsubtle.
#Monsterdon

Did the dude just toast "to Satan!"

Class!

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Anton has vaseline eyes. He was singing to his horse and it backed up on his face and smushed him with lube. He fell off the ladder and that's why he's kind of dull.

Now that is Gaston.

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil While I was shitposting, I think the apparition transformed into his dead girlfriend, enabling a Boob Groping Scene, after which the apparition tells him to look into the mirror, where she in invisible, because spooky satanist vampire stuff, and then she bites him on the neck, turning him into a vampire as well.

My advice:
If the Count invites you to be his houseguest, or even for cocktails, just say you already have plans.
#Monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil
Anyway, as a hooded dude is about to stab the girl, Count Crabbycakes decides that hooded dude is a fake and yells at him until he runs away. After he yells at his butler, he decides to sacrifice the girl himself. Naturally, she objects, but is overruled. He stabs her and then yells "SATAN!" a few times, like William Shatner yelling "Khan!!!"

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Back at the castle, the count is having a Satanism party where it looks like they're gonna sacrifice a peasant girl. He complains that they got the peasant girl for a few coins, and also peasant girls are boring, and he would rather his people catchers give him richer and/or weirder people to sacrifice. He hears about the twins and decides they would be fun to kidnap.

OK, points for the human soul escaping

#monsterdon

The Brotherhood is secretly pleased to have something as substantial as vampires to fight. They were tired of condemning feathers, romance, and all apparel that isn't black
#Monsterdon

Gustav Vile with the energy of a transphobe who has a fuckton of Trans porn on their hard drive

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Egads, look at the width of the bite marks on the neck of that drained corpse! They're like 30cm apart! How wide is a standard jaw??

Actually never mind, I take it back: could be a vampire with only one canine, or who bit very carefully with only one side of its mouth or something one chomp at a time.

Why do people in movies being chased by cars or horses always continue to run down the middle of the road.

#monsterdon

Those are really slow horses.

#monsterdon

I like how this film casually disproves the racist notion "there were never Black people in old times Europe", back just as Humans were landing on the Moon.
We've just been wallowing in bollocks for 40+ years, shameful...

Oh, hey, Vampires!

#monsterdon

Those pecs can deflect bullets.

#monsterdon

Very GOP vibe in Peter Cushing #monsterdon

They just burst in on a David Copperfield casting call.

#monsterdon

Anyone getting a Millie Bobbie Brown vibe from these two?

#monsterdon

Whatever the opposite of the Puritans are, then I am that. I've always hated them.

Bring your righteous feminine revenge, hot twins!

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil The twins ask who lives in the castle and the answer is Count Crabbycakes, I didn't get his real name, but because he's a count he's probably a vampire. Anyway, they say that they're from Venice, which is probably Extra Classy.

Anyway, they check into a hotel, or maybe a house, dressed in Green and the innkeeper, or maybe their aunt says that they would be dressed in black if they were still in Venice, which I think means that they would be nuns and not goth girls.

After a long day at the witch burning factory, I've gotta get out.

#monsterdon

Weird thing, people in the west thought the Birds of Paradise were birds which never, ever landed, because they had no feet. Turns out all the samples sent back from overseas had the feet removed.

#monsterdon

This is going to be a movie where the cinematography is someone actually awesome because of a guy named Dick Bush, and everything else is awful. Kind of like how costumes were clearly the winner of last week's film. #monsterdon

"What kind of plumage is this?!"

Perv

#monsterdon

The only names I know for this are
Peter Cushing,
Hammer,
and
#Monsterdon

That's enough for me to be here.

It's hammer time! #monsterdon

It's 9:00 and we're away!

#monsterdon

look so OK the devil usually does the schtick of giving you some plainly stated offer or else he gets your soul, so the vampire telling peter cushing how to kill him is in-universe, but look at peter cushing's approach here. he gives a big overhand vertical axe chop and misses abysmally. that's not even close. peter cushing was begging to get axed.

#monsterdon #MonsterdonReplays #MonsterdonAnalysis #BestOfMonsterdon

Has Monsterdon done either Phase IV or Them? (both ant movies). Phase IV is another cinematic treasure from Dick Bush. I imagine it has a lot more ants and fewer boobs.

#monsterdon

my main takes are that movie really nailed the classic horror aesthetics and did a surprisingly good job dealing with the layers of power dynamics in puritan society

also peter cushing cut a vampire's head off

so no real complaints

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon thence concludes this #TwinsOfEvil thread; I guess always remember that sometimes only one evil twin is actually evil I guess and also burning people at the stake is bad!

Thanks to @Taweret@octodon.social for hosting!

@diazona The Emperor Of Funk #monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Mr Oats decides the safest place for the good twin is in a church, and bids they take her to the chapel. She reports that her neck is tingly now, probably because something happened to the good twin.

As she goes to investigate, the Count captures her and drags her into his Tastefully Skull Decorated Corridor. Meanwhile the Mob storms the Satanic Ritual Hall looking for her, and proceeds to run about waving torches.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil violence ensues as the angry mob does a successful castle storming. One guy gets brained by one of those paint spreading trowels. Then shirtless guy (who continues wearing a shirt) is stabbed in the chest with a wooden stake, removing him from play.

Count Crabbycakes tries to sneak out, bidding his girlfriend to go first, but as soon as she does Mr. Oats decapitates her with a sword, compelling the count to escape like a coward.

@bunnyhero lol #monsterdon

@jmelesky ah, they did send me to Catholic school but it did not take. I've been a godless heathen since forever!

#monsterdon

@ottaross "who will oppress us now?" #monsterdon

it's maria and count karnstein #monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil as an aside, I'm not sure when exactly they figured out that the count was a vampire. I'm not sure if that is an accusation they have limited evidence for, or one that they figured out at some point that I missed.

Who can say?

Anyway, he's definitely dressing more like a vampire now, with some red accents to his dark cape, so maybe that's what tipped him off.

#monsterdon Alright well the vampires win. Yay?

Again: NOT THE HEART! When he said they'd be immortal except being staked through the heart, this is LITERALLY the kind of wound he's talking about shrugging off!

#monsterdon

Apparently hairplugs go away too if you kill the vampire. #Monsterdon

I appreciate how Gustov crossed himself when he realized he was fatally wounded.
#Monsterdon

Dude really let himself go at the end there #monsterdon

#monsterdon Will somebody please axe Gustav if he's all right, that was quite a fall

@Bluedepth "My father died in the same way" #monsterdon

#monsterdon Yea they're not killing vampires right. Lol it's more at the stomach than the heart.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Choir guy shows up to try to stop the witch burning, explaining that they are really burning the good twin instead of the evil twin. Mr. Oats thinks this is nonsense, until the Choir guy uses 16th century science to prove her purity by showing her their holy plus signs and verifying that she doesn't flinch from the light of arithmetic.

This cunning argument persuades Mr. Oats and they cancel the witch cookout.

Ohhh so the black guy is also MUTE

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Aaaand Charades! Oh hooray! A party!

Pulling a switch with the twins #monsterdon

@jmelesky @jonny again, I choose the Vampires #monsterdon

I like how easily swayed the incel council is

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil The choirmaster decides to do his own investigating and finds the evil twin sleeping in her bed, where she pretends to be the good twin. The good twin is surprised to wake up in a dungeon surrounded by puritans led by Mr. Oats, who carry her away screaming.

#monsterdon At this point I'm convinced no one is winning lol, they're both bad guys.

Anton fights fire with fire! The best way to stop a torch is to throw another torch?

#monsterdon

#monsterdon I'm hoping Gustav will be able to convince the puritans to attack only vampires and not innocent people.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil back at the puritan inquisition lodge, the puritan dudes argue about whether they should kill the one twin or not, and naturally they all decide that she's guilty because she is (good reason) but also because they like burning people at the stake (bad reason).

#monsterdon Remember everyone this is why feminism exist. To escape from this hell of puritan and vampires.

@diazona I liked the notion that it only worked on the Vamp if they really believed in it in their previous lives.

#monsterdon

@SnoopJ To be fair, I doubt Vincent Price’s witchfinder general could say that he tried. #Monsterdon

They're going to burn the innocent one, right? I mean, it is what they're good at...

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil the evil twin is out wandering the woods at night, when she is accosted by another puritan dude, who she bites and kills. then Mr. Oats himself accosts her and is like "OMG ur a vampire!" and she's like "nuh uh, a vampire just kissed me!" but he doesn't believe her and then she's surrounded by crosses and captured.

Twin switch! Twin switch!

#monsterdon

Flashing a cross to a Vampire Atheist and getting a shrug.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon The counts fangs seem to be out of alignment. He'll have gum wear in an unusual pattern, may lead to a blow out sometime later on... poor sap never bought road hazard insurance...

in Peter Cushing's defence, having those cheekbones basically requires you to become an austere Puritan witch-hunter who dresses all in black. #Monsterdon

@amyfou not right, but realistic, sigh.....

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Is this a load bearing pillar?

#monsterdon These screams as people are vampchomped are really terrific

The giant fangs are kinda telling.

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon You are a peasant in #TwinsOfEvil. Choose your fate.

NAME OF THE MOVIE!

#monsterdon

@catzilla You think the count can actually get it up, what with the complete lack of blood pressure? Or is this a version of vampirism where the vampires can have boners? I mean, they can come out in the day and all.

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil the Choirmaster is playing his harpischord, when Grand Moff Quaker Oats appears to bother him; they have a difference of opinion, where the puritan Mr Oats believes in Satan and in burning people at the stake, while the Chorimaster, a Deist-coded man of science, believes in vampires instead (and also in Not burning people at the stake). After Mr Oats leaves in a threatening huff, Choirmaster goes back to his piano.

#monsterdon Is "obviously day-for-night outdoor shot" on the bingo card tonight??

These two sisters never get out of their nighties

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Elton Jon would crush the organ piano.

ALL of the women should just move to a different neighborhood and fast.
#Monsterdon

Harpsichord for continuity with last week #Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

Given the speed of onset and the exponential growth rate of vampirism it's all vampires pretty fast, right? I don't see what interrupts Vampire Planet in about two weeks or less.

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil

I seriously want to see the trailer for this film. My guess is it was just wall to wall boobage to try and get people to buy that ticket.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon So we have the puritan cult and the vampire cult with elements of no consensual BDSM. Um yea, sounds weird saying it out loud and typing it out.

They are going to run out of women in that village at this rate, but we all know of course humans are capable of such madness.

Death to the Patriarchy!

#monsterdon

That was quick

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Bahahaha was that chair supposed to fall over twice like that?? superb

#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil later that night, one of the twins decides to go for a walk in the woods and is kidnapped by the count. She is taken to the Evil Dinner party where everyone wears clothes from a different century, and the Count toasts "To Satan!" which is a valid enough toast I guess.

Count Crabbycakes has an argument with his butler about how the authorities are pursing them, allowing him to be snobby about peasants (they're greedy) and about his butler, who he finds boring.

#monsterdon And by play, we're going to play the Harpsichord riff and call THE GREAT OCTOPUS FROM THE LAST MOVIE!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!

This kind of reminds me of a TOS episode. #monsterdon