#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil at the Predictably Ominous Puritan Trial, the choirmaster shows up to object that if they burn the one twin at the stake, the other twin will die too, because that's how twins work in this universe. The puritans are unimpressed and proceed to the dungeon to find the other twin sleeping.
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#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil while the other twin's shiny cross repels Count Crabbycakes, because she's tossing and turning in bed she eventually drops it, allowing the Count to kidnap her (which involves tossing her to the Shirtless Guy (who is again wearing a shirt).
Next, Count Crabbycakes breaks into the church dungeon and decides to swap her for the other twin, so we get a Shadow Nude Dressing Scene. Dunno why he didn't just rescue both of them, I guess because he's evil?
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Most of the minor character girls seem to have crushes on the Deist-coded Choirmaster, which actually seems kind of reasonable since he's the most chill male character we've seen in this movie so far.
#monsterdon Not a single Star of David. That's why you won't win you sillyheads! No diversity!
That was a very crunch bite
Oh, it is the one with blood on her lips. She did it.
Go on Lady, feed on the Patriarchy! Slaughter them all!
#monsterdon Yikes, she's pale. Not enough sunshine. Needs leeches.
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil the one twin comes home and talks to the other twin, explaining that when she snuck out the evil count thought she was the other twin because he thinks all twins and/or peasants look alike. The other twin wonders why the first twin is different somehow, and she's like "yeah, because I'm super cool now!" (I forgot what she said exactly, but obvs its because she's evil now and a vampire).
#monsterdon Nosferatu were remarkably adept at both Harpsichords and Hammered Dulcimers.
I'll be honest, I loath the harpsicord
Where is the bass you cowards?! Get some Jungle on!
#monsterdon You can tell Anton is the hero here because his attempts at harpsichordery drive away innocent bystanders and he keeps a human skull on top of his pile of books
I like how everyone in this movie, set in the 18th-ish century, has 1970s hairdos.
#monsterdon Nooooo oooooone gripes like Anton
Stares straight down the camera like Anton
No one ping-pongs between emotional extremes like Anton
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil characters
team evil:
Count Crabbycakes (obvious vampire)
Shirtless Guy
Butler Guy
Cat Lady
Evil Twin
Other Evil Twin
other team evil
Grand Moff Quaker Oats
Pig Killer Guy
Schoolmarm lady
Other Inquisitors
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Back at the evil dinner party, Count Crabbycakes is trying to arrange a threesome between the Witchy Cat Lady and the Kidnapped Twin, by asking the cat lady how hot she thinks the twin is. She complains that her opinion doesn't matter to him anyway, because the count is a snob toward peasants, which makes him mad.
Anyway, she runs away but then the shirtless guy (who now has a shirt) captures her.
One bite and you're a Vamp, not a messy as contemporary vamps with all the blood swapping and wrist biting.
A lot of wrist biting...
This vampire is not vegetarian.
Dietrich has "Mr Smithers is not interested in girls" vibe to him
Vampires are afraid of fire due to all the hairspray they use. #Monsterdon
One of the twins is...
unsubtle.
#Monsterdon
#monsterdon Anton has vaseline eyes. He was singing to his horse and it backed up on his face and smushed him with lube. He fell off the ladder and that's why he's kind of dull.
Now that is Gaston.
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil While I was shitposting, I think the apparition transformed into his dead girlfriend, enabling a Boob Groping Scene, after which the apparition tells him to look into the mirror, where she in invisible, because spooky satanist vampire stuff, and then she bites him on the neck, turning him into a vampire as well.
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil anyway, after stabbing the poor peasant girl, Count Crabbycakes pours himself a glass of wine, and then some lighting strikes and a phantasmal apparition appears above the girls' body, turning into a hooded figure that I guess is Satan, or possibly like Satan's uber driver. This apparition freaks him the fuck out and then shows him a picture of I think his dead girlfriend?
My advice:
If the Count invites you to be his houseguest, or even for cocktails, just say you already have plans.
#Monsterdon
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil
Anyway, as a hooded dude is about to stab the girl, Count Crabbycakes decides that hooded dude is a fake and yells at him until he runs away. After he yells at his butler, he decides to sacrifice the girl himself. Naturally, she objects, but is overruled. He stabs her and then yells "SATAN!" a few times, like William Shatner yelling "Khan!!!"
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Back at the castle, the count is having a Satanism party where it looks like they're gonna sacrifice a peasant girl. He complains that they got the peasant girl for a few coins, and also peasant girls are boring, and he would rather his people catchers give him richer and/or weirder people to sacrifice. He hears about the twins and decides they would be fun to kidnap.
OK, points for the human soul escaping
The Brotherhood is secretly pleased to have something as substantial as vampires to fight. They were tired of condemning feathers, romance, and all apparel that isn't black
#Monsterdon
Gustav Vile with the energy of a transphobe who has a fuckton of Trans porn on their hard drive
#monsterdon Egads, look at the width of the bite marks on the neck of that drained corpse! They're like 30cm apart! How wide is a standard jaw??
Actually never mind, I take it back: could be a vampire with only one canine, or who bit very carefully with only one side of its mouth or something one chomp at a time.
Why do people in movies being chased by cars or horses always continue to run down the middle of the road.
Those are really slow horses.
I like how this film casually disproves the racist notion "there were never Black people in old times Europe", back just as Humans were landing on the Moon.
We've just been wallowing in bollocks for 40+ years, shameful...
Oh, hey, Vampires!
Those pecs can deflect bullets.
Very GOP vibe in Peter Cushing #monsterdon
They just burst in on a David Copperfield casting call.
Anyone getting a Millie Bobbie Brown vibe from these two?
Whatever the opposite of the Puritans are, then I am that. I've always hated them.
Bring your righteous feminine revenge, hot twins!
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil The twins ask who lives in the castle and the answer is Count Crabbycakes, I didn't get his real name, but because he's a count he's probably a vampire. Anyway, they say that they're from Venice, which is probably Extra Classy.
Anyway, they check into a hotel, or maybe a house, dressed in Green and the innkeeper, or maybe their aunt says that they would be dressed in black if they were still in Venice, which I think means that they would be nuns and not goth girls.
After a long day at the witch burning factory, I've gotta get out.
Weird thing, people in the west thought the Birds of Paradise were birds which never, ever landed, because they had no feet. Turns out all the samples sent back from overseas had the feet removed.
This is going to be a movie where the cinematography is someone actually awesome because of a guy named Dick Bush, and everything else is awful. Kind of like how costumes were clearly the winner of last week's film. #monsterdon
The only names I know for this are
Peter Cushing,
Hammer,
and
#Monsterdon
That's enough for me to be here.
It's hammer time! #monsterdon
It's 9:00 and we're away!
Has Monsterdon done either Phase IV or Them? (both ant movies). Phase IV is another cinematic treasure from Dick Bush. I imagine it has a lot more ants and fewer boobs.
my main takes are that movie really nailed the classic horror aesthetics and did a surprisingly good job dealing with the layers of power dynamics in puritan society
also peter cushing cut a vampire's head off
so no real complaints
#Monsterdon thence concludes this #TwinsOfEvil thread; I guess always remember that sometimes only one evil twin is actually evil I guess and also burning people at the stake is bad!
Thanks to @Taweret@octodon.social for hosting!
@diazona The Emperor Of Funk #monsterdon
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Mr Oats decides the safest place for the good twin is in a church, and bids they take her to the chapel. She reports that her neck is tingly now, probably because something happened to the good twin.
As she goes to investigate, the Count captures her and drags her into his Tastefully Skull Decorated Corridor. Meanwhile the Mob storms the Satanic Ritual Hall looking for her, and proceeds to run about waving torches.
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil violence ensues as the angry mob does a successful castle storming. One guy gets brained by one of those paint spreading trowels. Then shirtless guy (who continues wearing a shirt) is stabbed in the chest with a wooden stake, removing him from play.
Count Crabbycakes tries to sneak out, bidding his girlfriend to go first, but as soon as she does Mr. Oats decapitates her with a sword, compelling the count to escape like a coward.
@jmelesky ah, they did send me to Catholic school but it did not take. I've been a godless heathen since forever!
@ottaross "who will oppress us now?" #monsterdon
it's maria and count karnstein #monsterdon
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil as an aside, I'm not sure when exactly they figured out that the count was a vampire. I'm not sure if that is an accusation they have limited evidence for, or one that they figured out at some point that I missed.
Who can say?
Anyway, he's definitely dressing more like a vampire now, with some red accents to his dark cape, so maybe that's what tipped him off.
#monsterdon Alright well the vampires win. Yay?
#monsterdon Yay! A happy wrap up, or at least, The End. Either way! Another truly lovely flick from Hammer Films! Thank you @Taweret@octodon.social !
Again: NOT THE HEART! When he said they'd be immortal except being staked through the heart, this is LITERALLY the kind of wound he's talking about shrugging off!
Apparently hairplugs go away too if you kill the vampire. #Monsterdon
I appreciate how Gustov crossed himself when he realized he was fatally wounded.
#Monsterdon
Dude really let himself go at the end there #monsterdon
#monsterdon Will somebody please axe Gustav if he's all right, that was quite a fall
@Bluedepth "My father died in the same way" #monsterdon
#monsterdon The password for tonight is "Peter Cushing's Amazing Tits"
#monsterdon Yea they're not killing vampires right. Lol it's more at the stomach than the heart.
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil Choir guy shows up to try to stop the witch burning, explaining that they are really burning the good twin instead of the evil twin. Mr. Oats thinks this is nonsense, until the Choir guy uses 16th century science to prove her purity by showing her their holy plus signs and verifying that she doesn't flinch from the light of arithmetic.
This cunning argument persuades Mr. Oats and they cancel the witch cookout.
#monsterdon Frieda lost a whole lot of stress all at once. Like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders. *wobble wobble*
Ohhh so the black guy is also MUTE
#monsterdon Aaaand Charades! Oh hooray! A party!
Pulling a switch with the twins #monsterdon
@jmelesky @jonny again, I choose the Vampires #monsterdon
I like how easily swayed the incel council is
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil The choirmaster decides to do his own investigating and finds the evil twin sleeping in her bed, where she pretends to be the good twin. The good twin is surprised to wake up in a dungeon surrounded by puritans led by Mr. Oats, who carry her away screaming.
#monsterdon At this point I'm convinced no one is winning lol, they're both bad guys.
Anton fights fire with fire! The best way to stop a torch is to throw another torch?
#monsterdon I'm hoping Gustav will be able to convince the puritans to attack only vampires and not innocent people.
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil back at the puritan inquisition lodge, the puritan dudes argue about whether they should kill the one twin or not, and naturally they all decide that she's guilty because she is (good reason) but also because they like burning people at the stake (bad reason).
#monsterdon Remember everyone this is why feminism exist. To escape from this hell of puritan and vampires.
@diazona I liked the notion that it only worked on the Vamp if they really believed in it in their previous lives.
@SnoopJ To be fair, I doubt Vincent Priceβs witchfinder general could say that he tried. #Monsterdon
They're going to burn the innocent one, right? I mean, it is what they're good at...
#Monsterdon #TwinsOfEvil the evil twin is out wandering the woods at night, when she is accosted by another puritan dude, who she bites and kills. then Mr. Oats himself accosts her and is like "OMG ur a vampire!" and she's like "nuh uh, a vampire just kissed me!" but he doesn't believe her and then she's surrounded by crosses and captured.
Twin switch! Twin switch!
Flashing a cross to a Vampire Atheist and getting a shrug.
#monsterdon The counts fangs seem to be out of alignment. He'll have gum wear in an unusual pattern, may lead to a blow out sometime later on... poor sap never bought road hazard insurance...
in Peter Cushing's defence, having those cheekbones basically requires you to become an austere Puritan witch-hunter who dresses all in black. #Monsterdon
@amyfou not right, but realistic, sigh.....
#monsterdon Is this a load bearing pillar?
#monsterdon These screams as people are vampchomped are really terrific
The giant fangs are kinda telling.
#Monsterdon You are a peasant in #TwinsOfEvil. Choose your fate.