WOW! Not just computers, but PRE-PROGRAMMED computers!

#Monsterdon

The emperor showing up in-person like this feels like a very small universe. Like, at most Japan circa the Heian era.

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

But it was a trap and the evil count was only pretending that his shatner ray center was unguarded, and then the Emperor, his Golem robots and some goons appear to capture them. The Count monologues that the emperor will soon be dead and that Simon is the Emperor's son, which the smuggler boy also knows. Then the Emperor does soem evil laughs and asks the golems to kill the three of them... with swords. Then he leaves to not confirm that they are killed, because bond villain.

#monsterdon

Darth come lately could play "the devil" in any crap film

#monsterdon

Why is he blowing up the planet?

What is his plan again?

#Monsterdon

Oh, this planet, machinery is the Temu version of Forbidden Planet?

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

Did she really say "oh this way looks safe"?

LOL

#monsterdon

@moira I. can't. breathe. I am dying!
#monsterdon

It's nice how the movie's got a Designated Exposition Character :/ #Monsterdon

All these power modules, what are they for? Also, magnets, how do they work?
#monsterdon

Holy crap. They straight up ripped a light saber

#monsterdon

I should really be leading you, you can't see anything with that stupid helmet on. #monsterdon

Now the three of them have to blow up the planet.

OK. Sure.

#Monsterdon

Art Garfunkel Jr?

#monsterdon

Akton and Simon would be so great together

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

But why do they need a big metal frame to carry her on? Can't they just...carry her?

#Monsterdon

"You must've known all along"

Yes, my smugness drives the plot. #Monsterdon

ah, so Akton's just actually a jedi. okay then. #monsterdon

lol, obvious lightsaber rip off.....but then who doesn't want to lightsaber a bunch of manosphere weirdos in an Italian cave?

#Monsterdon

Omg it's Michael Knight!
#Monsterdon #StarCrash

beating up cavemen to some kind of knock off Planet of the Apes soundtrack, i feel like someone is trying to Say Something. #monsterdon

Rolling percentile dice to determine the next threat, robocop and the smuggler girl are ambushed by cavemen armed with bones. Despite being less cool and more poorly armed than the space amazons, they smash the robocop (RIP) and carry the smuggler girl off tied to a beam.

Later that evening, she is hanging from a tree and screaming "help" when she is rescued by a lizard guy who shoots the cavemen with laser eyes. He is quite genteel.

#monsterdon

These cave people seem rather cheerful, we should take their example

#Monsterdon

Is she wearing _bubble wrap_ now!?

You know what, I retract my objection, at least this thing has sleeves. And pant legs! That's character growth for you.

#monsterdon

@strangefour #TryingToSoundMoreHighbrow Oh I'm more interested in the bikini journey than the destination. #GetsSlapped well that's a fair cop! #Monsterdon

And now an acid trip. A really bad one. I think someone spiked it with coolaid.
#Monsterdon #StarCrash

Regarding the country-talking robot, also consider The Black Hole and its inexplicable country-talking robot. There is a trend here that still makes no sense.

#Monsterdon

So. Which of Stella's fits is actually the writer's *barely disguised* fetish?

#Monsterdon

This spaceship makes the cutest little noises.
#Monsterdon #StarCrash

@hollie I can only assume the temperature of being buried in snow is the appropriate one for normal clothing....

#Monsterdon

If hillbilly robot doesn't say "what in tarnation" at least once, I'm gonna riot. #monsterdon

Welp, wasn’t expecting the betrayal by the green guy #Monsterdon

In another zoom call, the evil count complains that the green cop guy isn't back yet, and he says that the space ship is broke, making the evil count mad because he has metrics dammit. Then the boy smuggler wakes up and a fight breaks out, and we learn that the spaceship can't take off without the boy smuggler and also the boy smuggler is immune to lasers for no reason, so he overpowers the green cop.

#monsterdon

Is she falling in love with the robot as they freeze to death?
#Monsterdon #StarCrash

Whoa that's too much of a closeup, back off back off #Monsterdon

"Maybe I can save you, you lie down in the snow, face up…"

If I had a nickel for every time I tried that line on a girl at the ski lodge!

#monsterdon

why was Stella tromping around in snow drifts in high heeled boots

#monsterdon

Unfortunately, suckers are resistant to sucker punches. #Monsterdon

"I don't tolerate inefficiency in my realm!"

Me too dude, me too....

#Monsterdon

Those bastards, they spray painted her! #Monsterdon

So the ships computer is *inside* the backlit fiberglass brain? #monsterdon

OH YOURE A ROBOT?
Cuz you NEVER talk about it.
#monsterdon

Oh, we're in Alaska now. Or Snowpiercer. #Monsterdon

Smuggler boy decides to talk to the ship's computer, then the green cop whacks him with a whacking instrument and we learn that he is a Double Agent, because ACAB. He reports to the evil count via Zoom call. He tries to have the spaceship take off, but the computer reports a malfunction so it doesn't work.

#monsterdon

never trust cops

#Monsterdon

dude wtf is the problem with the green guy. o wait wasn't he one of the fucking cops at the start? i have no idea what the hell is going on in this movie
#monsterdon

This might've been okay if you saw it in 1979 and you took acid first. Acid was better then.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon She found clothes. Are you happy now, assholes?

I bet he spends hours playing with that hologram...and molesting the ship's brain.

#Monsterdon

@hollie w/ a furry collar?
#Monsterdon

Their boobbot having been defeated in battle, the Space Amazons send their own space fighters to try to stop the main characters from escaping, and we get a space battle with lots of lasers but poor cinematography as the main character ship shoots them down.

Imagine the scene in Star Wars a New Hope, where the Millennium Falcon shoots down the TIE fighters that are chasing it, but not as good.

#monsterdon

@Taweret Stars are rainbow colored! It's not obvious with Earth's atmospheric distortion and they aren't that large, but in space they are apparently quite visibly different colors, which means this is one aspect of the movie that's weirdly correct?

#Monsterdon

@Taweret #monsterdon

Because some of them are moving away from you, and some are moving closer.

Robots as important characters reminds me of The Black Hole (Which belongs on our to-watch list, I think)

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

real smart all those space fighters flying in a line like that....

#Monsterdon

The scantily clad women fighting scene could've gone a bit longer.

#monsterdon

It's not Monsterdon without some Giantess Worship....

#Monsterdon

Oh cool - shades of Ulysses and the Cyclops.

It's a cinematic tour de force.

#monsterdon

I assume the boobs on the giant robot are functional

#Monsterdon

I'm pretty sure this is the same cove from that kids' show about sea monsters in the 70s.

#monsterdon

the giant robot has tits, because this is an amazon planet.....it makes sense.

#Monsterdon

Then some space amazons on horseback ride up and capture them. Naturally they are all in (different) space bikinis. The head amazon decides to kill robocop with rayguns, because ACAB I guess, and capture the smuggler girl, because space BDSM I guess.

The evil amazon queen is about to put the smuggler girl into a "mind probe", which she doesn't want. But then we learn the robocop wasn't actually dead and he rescues them in a fight with vaporizer guns and they start escaping.

#monsterdon

Ah yes, the Standard Female Grab Area. She's helpless now. #Monsterdon

Sad failure to imitate Adams' neurotic robot

#monsterdon

While looking for survivors we get distracted looking for loot, finding a spear or fishing hook or something. Robcop and Smuggler Girl discus the sociological conditions here... they are in the domain of the evil Count and don't know anything about the civilization here.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Don't do Venusian Judo on Uranus! ..

Look out - they have more curtain rods!

#monsterdon

There's more T and A in this scene than an alphabet factory. #Monsterdon

here, take my revenge!
oh no thanks, i just ate.
#monsterdon

Well she is dressed for the beach.
#monsterdon

standing right in front of the nuclear engines like a bunch of Chernobyl firefighters....

#Monsterdon

Why make neurotic robots, you cruel bastards?!

#Monsterdon

Do these ships not stock clothes for women

#Monsterdon

Stella, did you want some pants? Surely we've got some pants on this ship. #Monsterdon

#monsterdon I can't wait for Marjoe to make clothes out of the drapes..

You think this role prepared Plummer to play a dragon monk in Skyrim? #Monsterdon

#monsterdon Christopher Plummer at .50 alpha

@hollie You bet it is! #Monsterdon

CHRIS!? looking good, my man! (too bad about the rest of this movie.) #monsterdon

"I only have circuits enough for logic, and this here Alabama accent y'all. Now git!"
#monsterdon

The wheatfield spaceship drops an entry ramp and the bikini smuggler wanders inside, set to Mysterious Music. Then the space cops from before ambush her, tell her that she is free and that now the four of them (two cops, two smugglers) are being freed and set on a secret mission for the Empire.

We get another scene where the emperor frees the boy smuggler and then the wheatfield spaceship is flying to meet the imperial flagship.

#monsterdon

The Vampirella collar on the bikini was a choice

#monsterdon

I want that spinny dome thing. I don't even *care* what it does, I need it. #Monsterdon

The girl's slavery involves dropping a ball (made of radium) into a hole while she naturally wears a space bikini. Two minutes later she starts planning an escape (her plan is to shoot the hole with a ray gun), but the prison guards (more dudes in shiny hats) overhear her and start shooting her friends. But she gets a weird sword gun, shoots something and escapes into the nearby wheatfield, where a spaceship lands to meet her.

#monsterdon

Yeah, see, they stole her pants when she got to prison :/ #Monsterdon

lol - it's rags for most prisoners, and a slinky sexy outfit for our cosmetology queen.

#monsterdon

@Taweret you know how much film costs‽‽‽
#Monsterdon

That's exactly what radium looks like

"five minutes of rest!"

More than you get in Amazon

#Monsterdon

Supposedly stubble-man is dehydrated and rambling about monsters, even though there was lots of food on his ship, but we just see him laying there. He works for the "Empire of the First Stellar Circle", whatever that is and the exposition explains that he wants to warn somebody. We learn the boy and girl are space smugglers.

Before we can get more exposition the space cops from before appear, surround their smuggling triangle and so they shruggingly surrender.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Bargain basement Boba Fett..

"Man angry at failures of AIs"

Relatable

#Monsterdon

Which is worse - his nose, which he has little control over, or his hair, which was a deliberate choice?

#monsterdon

Our intrepid criminal astronauts find a spaceship... it looks like a shuttle that ejected from the red ship that explodes. The girl thinks they might be in trouble, so she spacewalks over in a suit with a goofy helmet that reminds me of a Klein bottle, while the boy watches on the orbophone.

Inside, she finds a stubble guy who is semi-conscious and not having a good time; they take him back to the ship.

#monsterdon

The stars are very uniformly spaced in that quadrant of the galaxy. I think the cinematographers just used the lighting of the local convention centre.

#monsterdon

Is the actress a Breck Girl? Her hair sure looks like it, and it is the 70s after all.
#Monsterdon

This actress sounds just like the voice on a telephone IVR
"For light speed, press 1. Para explosión láser en español, oprima nueve"
#monsterdon

The Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe! So, probably a low-ranking comptroller or something, huh. #Monsterdon

Well, the stars certainly are unnaturally colorful in this one. It's pretty! 👍

#Monsterdon #StarCrash

The space police calls them up on their Orbophone to threaten them, which is I think how most police calls go. One cop is a bald guy from some kind of Empire, the other is a robot who looks like a cyborg conehead.

Anyway, they press the hyperspace button to escape from the cops, then almost crash into a Neutron Star, which is Green; I think they're not green. They have to eject something to escape. We are told that they are approaching "the Haunted Stars", which sounds cool.

#monsterdon

Isn't that Robin Williams's Mork costume on the tan-bed salesman?

#monsterdon