The film brave enough to ask, what if Han was a lady in a bikini? What if Luke was a smug wizard who died? What if C3P0 was a cowboy? What if R2D2 didn't exist? What if Chewie didn't exist? What if there were 10-12 Landos Calrissian in the background all the time? What if Darth Vader was Italian Snidely Whiplash? What if Princess Leia was David Hasselhoff? STARCRASH
Starcrash (1979): 10/5
"one of the worst movies i have ever seen, every second is a masterpiece"
While no one is looking and I'm staring into David Hasselhoff's beautiful eyes I will take this moment to share that when I was ten years old, I joined the Knight Rider fan club. I had little ID card and everything.
Ah yes. The legally distinct light-ÊpÊe
#monsterdon It must be Christmas in space.
#monsterdon At least this guy is having fun.
is this a real movie?
I'm not going to say "see ya soon" any more. I'm going to say "I await your immediate arrival."
#monsterdon
It's pride month here on Red Dwarf.
#Monsterdon #StarCrash
WHEEP whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop
WHEEP whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop
WHEEP whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop
WHEEP whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop
WHEEP whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop
WHEEP whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop
WHEEP whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop
WHEEP whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop
Listen up #BozosOfMonsterdon to the STARCRASH THEME SONG that was apparently cut from the main release
Starcrash
Two hearts on one course flash
[whatever one time lasts]
we're endless together
Starcrash
Hoping for starcrash
I [learned i was drifting???]
a lot going on
i was the sensa da
lenta da menta da
star crash.....
never recover....
once you burn you go star....
Starcrash!
far from our eyes flash
and pray from the hand fan
rely on the tan!!!!!!!
Aaaaaah, what a *terrible* movie :D
That was great :D #Monsterdon
Christopher Plummer:
I am 51 going on 52 and this film sure does suuuuuuccckkkk
Maybe you wish you hadn't sat through it
Well buds you're out of luuuuuucckkk
#monsterdon That's how I want to die : Theatrically ranting and raving while my Doom Machine explodes around me.
"There's one solution left. I'm afraid we're forced to use it."
"What?"
"There's a singing festival in Salzburg. We must sing. It's our only way."
Amazons attack?
Lady you gotta crazy smile.
#Monsterdon #StarCrash
I would love to see an etymological study of "space mumbo jumbo" - like how did we come to a consensus that there was a made up term named "hyperspace" and like star trek's "subspace" and all that terminology that is sort of the meta-canon of all space-y scifi #monsterdon
the bad movie is over for now... yes, the wheel may yet turn... in a week's time, some dark force may show its face... but for now... we can... rest #monsterdon
#monsterdon The real casualty of this film was Physics itself..
LEAPING INTO SPACE!!!! COME ON!!!!!! this is the best movie of all time #monsterdon
See, the thing is, Elle would be a thousand percent more tolerable if he wasn't humanoid. If he were a little trashcan with inarticulate limbs and a hoverskirt his Texan accent and overconfidence would be *hilarious*. #Monsterdon
the score has now entirely given up and left the movie #monsterdon
"By sunset, I will be the new Emperor"
bad deadline to give yourself when there are no sunsets in space
HALT THE FLOW OF TIME hahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhuawhaahuidwlhefhielh how does this movie keep getting better #monsterdon
My kingdom for one long-haired woman in a movie to tie her hair back before doing literally anything
Wait why is Christopher Plummer in this movie? Did he lose a bet??
This movie is built out of old sci-fi magazine covers isn't it.
#Monsterdon #StarCrash
That transparent double-bulbed spacesuit helmet is _one hundred percent_ a repurposed jello mould.
Just needs little chunks of pineapple and ham floating around in it in a wobbly bucket of goo.
Horrible first date idea - "Come over to my house and watch #monsterdon ."
Then again, if she stays, she might be a keeper.
#Monsterdon
I would like to thank this movie for ending.
When it comes to acting, she's got great eyeliner
If they ever remake this movie I want Matthew McConaugheyhey to play L
This boarding party shit is brilliant, I don't care what anyone tells you, any space battle that does not have canisters breaking through glass spaceship windows, then dudes jumping out is SHIT
i can't breathe, this is so fucking funny, what the fuck #monsterdon
She's the only one dressed for a swim, NOW who feels foolish
Pre #Monsterdon I made banana bread. It is delicious.
#food #cooking
#Monsterdon đ đĢ đĨ đ đŽ đą
for everyone who doesn't know about Marjoe Gortner (Akton in our film), please learn all the things:
Actually the fact that this weapon destroys minds helps some things make sense
@diazona Nobody knew their lines IN THE LOOP SESSIONS, where they could have them ON PAPER IN FRONT OF THEM.
Truly legendary.
When I said Star Crash was the worst movie ever and all future #monsterdon movies would be quality entertainment, I was goofing. I know how much worse it can get.
According to Wikipedia, this movie has a plot.
Not exactly winning hearts and minds with the "you're the most human-like friend i ever had! you never die!" line #monsterdon
i am deducting points every time the only woman in the movie gets abducted #Monsterdon
they are doing a "mid movie recounting of the plot to catch up the schmucks who have no idea what's going on" and are somehow making me even less sure what is going on #monsterdon
Fuckin' Temu Ewoks
Freshly thawed and back in the bikini, our Stella
why are the stars rainbow colored?
What just happened? Literally what just happened? Is #Monsterdon always this fucked up?
torpedo boarding vessels into the church glass windows of a spaceship, completely exposing it to the vacuum of space.. multiple times. GOOD! CHOICES! #monsterdon
The were amazons riding red unicorns. Blink and you miss it.
#monsterdon
OK I made a peertube mirror of the starcrash deleted scenes here: https://tube.me.jon-e.net/w/mMyNdhKfuEZndRPwjjtnCk
still transcoding, but actually going super quick and should be ready in time
original: https://archive.org/details/starcrash_1979-bonus
but the archive.org streaming never works for me
#monsterdon BTW, those oscilloscope patterns are Lissajous figures, and.. oh never mind..
This epilouge could have been an e-mail.
#monsterdon
pew pew pew-pew pew
wsssshhhhhhhhhhhh
pew pew pew pew pew-pew-pew
brkow brkow
wsssssshhhhhhh sssssssssshhhhh
The most unbelievable part of this whole movie is that the Count hasn't twiddled his moustache sinisterly even ONCE yet. #Monsterdon
The warm light on the left and the cool light on the right signify the warm and cool sides of Stella's bikini
The leather outfit ASMR is SO DAVID HASSELHOFF đ
Game: go to the #monsterdon tag and try to guess plots of movies based on people's reactions to what they are watching.
For today, my guess is this is about Silver-pants Flash Gordan fights the evil Easter Eggs and Darth Sexy-bots, who kidnapped Stella Star and seek to damage the brains of any human trying to save her. But alas AI-human-like beings with goatees crash the rescue and haul them all in for a space judge trial!
Am I close?
I guess we know Christopher Plummer gambles because he definitely lost a bet
I had to go to the kitchen to grab a plate of dinner and I come and like WHOAH WHAT'S THIS
That's an outfit, wow
I guess we don't get pockets in the future
lol okay they cut something that was ILLOGICAL how did they have any movie left
anyway i've already forgot most of that so before I forget that it actually happened good job everybody and thanks as always to @Taweret for hosting ^_^
We missed out on so much people tapping things with their gloves
oh god there is a directors cut
#monsterdon Oh please, we don't need a closing monologue.
Everyone in the special effects team is holding a beer while they blow up all the models
#monsterdon Using "The floating city" as a weapon would probably be more impactful if the audience had even ever heard of this city before now.
#monsterdon In hindsight, maybe it was a mistake to attack an enemy army by sending two men at a time in little tubes.
...So about those windows open to space? #Monsterdon
HAHAHhahahahahah flying through the space glass windows we have Trojan horse "torpedos" filled with guys with lasers
An Epic Space Battle ensues, as the Blue Rectangular Space Claw contracts into a Space Fist, then is swarmed by the golden space jets.
They exchange lasers; the Evil Blue Claw fires red lasers and the golden space jets fire green lasers, because this is Not like Star Wars where the good guys shot red lasers and the bad guys shot green lasers! But it is like Star Wars in that the Empire shoots Green Lasers! Oh no!
You can tell they're evil because their guns have bat wings. #Monsterdon
By sunset? IN SPACE?
#monsterdon
I think this movie would be better if the things that happened later followed logically from the things that happened before.
In the space of three minutes we can hear most of Edelweiss
This movie provides 100% of your daily recommended allowance of PEW PEW PEW #Monsterdon
#monsterdon If our hero can see the future and he says it's all going to be fine, then why are we even still watching?
Hey he's posing for a movie poster.
May the Schartz be with you. Always.
#Monsterdon #StarCrash
I will not be surprised when the vegetable guys from Star Creatures show up
Caroline Munro has put on a third bikini this movie! Unless I missed one.
#Monsterdon #StarCrash
...The smuggler has a problem with breaking the law?
WAIT, *defying fate* is against the law? ...I feel like that would be a much bigger part of the plot if this were a better movie. #Monsterdon
#monsterdon I think we can all agree that "I am not programmed for this malfunction" is a quote for the ages..
open the pod bay doors thor
@moira Her voice coach was William Shatner.
"LOOK, AMAZONS ON HORSEBACK"
said the Trans Texas Robot
And they made the Star Wars prequels instead of this?
Oh, a laser spear. Sure. A spear with lasers. Right.
What? #Monsterdon
IS THAT THE HEAD OF THE VON TRAPP FAMILY OF SINGERS?!?
Stop motion animation. This movie has everything! Evil Bards, clockwork monsters, brains in jars, and (eventually) THE HOFF.
director after every audition: "marvelous! positively robotic! the way you made me feel the disconnection between every word, i could almost see the script just off camera"
#monsterdon
"A barren desert of whiteness"
Oh, Kansas. Gotcha. #Monsterdon
Y'gotta centrifuge your soldiers to separate the officers from the rank and file. #Monsterdon
@amyfou oh my god? Akton was played by the child preacher guy???
this does explain why he was one of the better performances in the film
"Because they feared the audience might laugh AT the film and not WITH it"
um... mission not accomplished