open the pod bay doors thor

#Monsterdon

@moira Her voice coach was William Shatner.

#Monsterdon

"LOOK, AMAZONS ON HORSEBACK"

said the Trans Texas Robot

And they made the Star Wars prequels instead of this?

#Monsterdon

Oh, a laser spear. Sure. A spear with lasers. Right.

What? #Monsterdon

i am learning that my favorite quality in movies is getting all three of the trifecta right
a) me not knowing what the fuck is happening
b) clearly trying and failing to do something even if we have no idea what is is, aka not cynically "bad on purpose"
c) whatever is happening is awesome anyway

and this movie is really breaking the meters on all three scales #monsterdon

IS THAT THE HEAD OF THE VON TRAPP FAMILY OF SINGERS?!?

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

Stop motion animation. This movie has everything! Evil Bards, clockwork monsters, brains in jars, and (eventually) THE HOFF.

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

director after every audition: "marvelous! positively robotic! the way you made me feel the disconnection between every word, i could almost see the script just off camera"
#monsterdon

"A barren desert of whiteness"

Oh, Kansas. Gotcha. #Monsterdon

Y'gotta centrifuge your soldiers to separate the officers from the rank and file. #Monsterdon

@amyfou oh my god? Akton was played by the child preacher guy???

this does explain why he was one of the better performances in the film

#monsterdon

"Because they feared the audience might laugh AT the film and not WITH it"

um... mission not accomplished

#Monsterdon #StarCrashDeletedScenes

was the fact they were in the 'haunted stars' something i missed in the main movie? that is the best idea ever #monsterdon

We have officially excavated the bottom of the barrel. All future #monsterdon movies will be quality entertainment. Never again will we have to endure.... that.

part of me wants so bad to re-write this entire movie from the ground up, but most of me knows that the wisest course of action is to memory hole the entire past 90 minutes and just go on with my life. #monsterdon

hey folks watching the deleted scenes, you should tell the rest of us everything that's happening in the deleted scenes so we don't have to

#monsterdon

@amyfou They should have credited more people, but the production staff all took their names out of the credits after they saw the finished product. So there's just dramatic music over nothing.
#monsterdon

I give Starcrash 3 out of 5 pew pew lasers. On the plus side, it was fun to watch. On the minus side it made almost no sense. I liked the sets and costumes. I both fear and respect this movie's willingness to add new plot elements without warning.

The best character was the hammy Evil Count and the equally hammy space amazons and the almost as hammy space cavemen. The worst character was the mary sue smuggler boy who had magic powers for no reason.

#monsterdon

@_L1vY_
Yeah, well, all the other humans were distracted by her bikini, and stunning glam makeup - these were your choices Stella!

#Monsterdon #StarCrash

Did she just jump into space....I.....what......I.....but.....how.....I....

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

Oh my god, that dive out the window has left me curled up in the fetal position with painful laughter

#Monsterdon

I'm just happy she has pants.

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

#monsterdon "Sir, we're in space. All ships are floating ships."

Cats must love this movie

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

Space sure is noisy

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

Supervillain Pro-Tip: Always have your robots fight the heroes with swords, inside the control center of your superweapon, because that is a Sound Plan that Cannot end in failure.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Ah, of course. The old blow up your own planet to rule the galaxy gambit.

I'm impressed about how they managed to put Stella Star into a bikini bottom even when she's wearing an envirosuit

#Monsterdon

Foley artists getting a little overeager here hitting trash cans with sticks. #Monsterdon

I am actually impressed with the pacing in this movie, a fairly normal amount of things are happening (if only we knew why)

#Monsterdon

who would win
robot: targeting computer, gun that makes enemies vaporize with one hit anywhere in the body
a bunch of cave men: a huuu aa heeyy a huu a heeyy
#monsterdon

I'm starting to get the parts of the 70's that were based on 50s and 60s comic books.

#monsterdon #starcrash1979

"Time for a little robot chauvinism" I''m so dead

#Monsterdon

oh no a vicious lava lamp

#monsterdon

Oh my god it's like INNERSPACE, they've been shrunk and they've been injected into someone else, those are red blood cells.....

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

Happy Pride month from Star Wars.
#Monsterdon #StarCrash

"It's against the law to change the future"

Whoa, hold on there dude....

#Monsterdon

"We should be close - just a few more radians"

"So we're walking in circles!"

#monsterdon

Must suck wearing heels on that snow :/ #Monsterdon

Having cleared the Beach level we are going to the Ice level, sending the girl smuggler and the robocop again. We find another crashed launch and the crew are both cold and smashed. The coldness and death makes them cranky, so they walk back.

Back at the main character's spaceship, which I will call the GenX Kestral because I don't know the real name we get character development as the boy smuggler is having a good time juggling a glowing loop, proving that he has fun.

#monsterdon

hey! she found some clothes! good for her! #monsterdon

the characters have to keep telling us what happened because even the writers knew no one would bloody know. #monsterdon

That guy's green make-up is slowly wearing off and no one cares

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

Oh good, time for another incomprehensible space battle. #Monsterdon

Why does the giant robot have tits

No don't answer that

#Monsterdon

Shoutout to the aluminum foil they made the giant robot out of, tho :D #Monsterdon

This entire movie is the dream of a 13-year-old boy in 1978

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

Bechdell pass... I guess? But it kind of ... doesn't feel like it

#Monsterdon

now THIS is what we could have had with the mexican wrestlers and the mummy. #monsterdon

PRO: smuggler girl is in space bikini.
CON: smuggler boy is not in space speedo.

#monsterdon

I think this outfit is the most pants she wears in the entire film. #Monsterdon

I need to start yelling GO FOR HYPERSPACE when Greg is trying to merge us onto the freeway

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

Lots of Star Wars ripoffs open with a starship upskirt, few have the cojones to do it from EXACTLY THE SAME ANGLE :P #Monsterdon

Starting #Starcrash late tonight, so I’m out of sync with the #monsterdon feed. But by checking IMDB I’ve discovered a major plot problem in the 2nd half of this movie:

“Caroline Munro was originally going to wear a skimpy leather bikini outfit through the entire film, but American studio executives insisted that writer/director Luigi Cozzi have Munro wear less provocative clothing in the second half because they thought the film would have problems being broadcast on network television.”

for combat scenes you need to have lots of setup shots to tell me who people are and what they are shooting at, it doesn't really work when all your setup shots are completely unrelated to the blowing shit up shots #monsterdon

ok so they DID introduce the computer brain earlier, they just cut it out #monsterdon

@SordidAmok #monsterdon Devil Girl woulda reformatted their robot, critiqued their outfits til they wept, then driven off in their Space City.

Well sheesh if the had included this scroll maybe I would have understood what was going on

Well if they had it in English

#Monsterdon

OMG apparently there was a *longer* opening sequence and part of it was cut

and clearly none of the actors know their lines

#Monsterdon #StarCrashDeletedScenes

@floatybirb I could have done with about 20 minutes of Space Amazons for err....research purposes. #Monsterdon

OMG, music by #JohnBarry! I knew I recognized James Bond in that theme!

Also, I just watched #TheBlackHole recently. 👍

#Monsterdon #StarCrash

@Taweret - I have a request to add to our long list of potential #Monsterdon movies:

#SplendaDaddy wants me to suggest #TheToolboxMurders1978 - "Steven King referred to it as the worst slasher movie he's ever seen." And it's on Tubi.

So is a 2015 sequel *shudder*

Okay: in about 15 minutes, (:45 past the hour for most of us) we watch the deleted scenes: https://archive.org/details/starcrash_1979-bonus

#Monsterdon

This is the worst movie ever made that doesn't have Adam Sandler in it.

#monsterdon

@blue ♫ In the not to distant future... ♪ :D #Monsterdon

#monsterdon Interesting thing about this spaceship, it can only by piloted by a curly haired dude.

Saddened by news that a doom weapon will blow up his planet, the Emperor comes up with a desperate plan... they will use the movie title and I think crash a floating city into the Doom Machine to stop it and save the universe.

Huh, okay.

#monsterdon

Special thanks to the Pew Institute for providing laser sound effects. #monsterdon

Is this the Christmas Lights Galaxy?

#Monsterdon

The mightiest weapon! The DOOM MACHINE!

And then he *actually says* "Huzzah" #Monsterdon

I have no idea where any of these ships are in relation to each other. #Monsterdon

"What if we used colored Xmas tree lights for stars?

#monsterdon

"Kill! Kill!"

Faster, Pussycat! #Monsterdon

Another very loud space explosion, but this time with embers that bounce off of unseen surfaces.

#monsterdon

Why are all of these launching attack ships different? Has nobody heard of fleet consistency in this universe?! Maintenance would be a _nightmare_, not to mention keeping track of all the adapter dongles! For shame.

#monsterdon

Voice-operated flow-of-time halting features.

Your move Google.

#monsterdon

@Lazarou #monsterdon Plummer as Space Emperor vs the guy who played Skeletor in that He-Man movie. That's the battle I wanna see.

"If we succeed in this, we could save billions of lives."

...From what? The Doomsday Weapon just blew up, you clown. #Monsterdon

A very got-his-ticket-to-Rome-out-of-this Christopher Plummer: "Imperial battleship: HALT. THE FLOW OF TIME."

Uh you know what, suddenly the earlier transgressions against the Celsius temperature scale seem slightly less egregious

#monsterdon

24 minutes left in this movie.... what #monsterdon

Simon says: You ARE my father

#Monsterdon

this universe must have just not faced war or even had the need for policing in generations or something. nobody knows what "being dead" is, nobody knows that when you take someone prisoner you have to "take away their weapons and confine their movement," and yet they are surrounded with extremely powerful weapons all the time. it's like the NRA universe where everyone has been a good guy with a gun for so long they forgot about bad guys with guns #monsterdon

they're like kitties, all you need is a laser pointer

#monsterdon #starcrash

Recasting Count Dracula as Darth Vader is a weird lateral movie for a Star Wars sequel.
#Monsterdon #StarCrash

#monsterdon Yes, they copied Forbidden Planet and every other movie..

*Acton, Stella, and David Hans le Fluff wander through a cave for some reason*

Remember, #monsterdon: they're called stalactites because they stick tight to the ceiling, and stalagmites because you might try to impale yourself on one to avoid having to watch the last half hour of this movie OH GOD WE ARE ONLY 2/3 DONE *throws self frantically at a stalagmite*

As I have no idea why the smuggler boy has magical powers, I'm gonna assume that he's from the future and knows stuff.

After rescuing them, he tries to explain the plot of the movie but does so so that it makes even less sense. Our mission now is to explode the planet that they are on, because it is the evil planet and has a superweapon. Naturally it is guarded by cavemen and a shatner beam.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon I like how not only are they on the right planet, they're within two minute's walking distance.

This movie doesn't resolve plot points, it just hands Akton a new power and goes, "Have fun, kid!" #Monsterdon

"Oh this way looks safe"

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT OUT LOUD WITH YOUR MOUTH #Monsterdon

#monsterdon I see England, I see France, I see Curly's underpants..

ROBOT CHAUVINISM 😂

#Monsterdon

These cavemen studied at the Octaman school of martial arts. #Monsterdon

Just imagine if you were just listening to the audio and not watching the visuals, what would you imagine the cop robot looks like

#Monsterdon

They wrapped her back up in clingfilm, gotta keep her fresh after that stint in the freezer. #Monsterdon

This is what happens if you try to make a strawberry smoothie following the directions on those 5 Minute Hacks videos

#Monsterdon

The famous outlaw explains that he will not change the future because it's against the law, what is logic

#Monsterdon

alright 45 minutes into the movie can anyone catch me up on a shred of the plot i literally have no idea why anyone is doing anything #monsterdon

Anyway, after defeating the green cop, the robocop is carrying the girl smuggler back to the GenX Kestral; she is frozen but the boy smuggler uses his rainbow magic to defrost her to flowery orchestral music.

#monsterdon

Does no one get what "thousands of degrees" means?
#monsterdon