What if Kermit the Frog had a codpiece?

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Just a few more radians.. that is soooo wrong...

If my computer was a giant glowing brain I simply would not caress it

#Monsterdon

How's she going to wear the leather bikini in ice and snow?

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

Director: threaten the women! appear menacing!

Guy: "I'll clean out your sinuses, woman!"

Director: <weeps softly>

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

So much has happened and yet so little
#monsterdon

Well she can barely act but she can kick people....

...this film is getting way too horny all of a sudden.

#Monsterdon

"Amazons on horseback!"

Ooo yeah, I knew I liked this planet <3 #Monsterdon

At some point our protagonist here is going to find some clothes to wear, right? She doesn't spend the entire 90 minutes of this movie running around in underwear fashioned from bin liner bags?

#monsterdon

GOTTA CLIP THE HYPERSPACE effect at this #timestamp #monsterdon

@cargot_robbie @hollie

AFTER he was in Sound of Music too

#Monsterdon

Okay, so I think there are two space emperors? Because we get a hologram of a different space emperor who explains stuff. We need the smugglers because they're good at flying spaceships.

The hologram emperor explains that the galaxy has a good and a bad emperor, him being the good one and the bad one being actually a Count, because Counts are like Draculas. The space count is making a weapon and the boxy ship in the beginning was trying to find the weapon.

#monsterdon

"...he was my only son"

see how he delivered that line?

CLASS!

#Monsterdon

i think this movie heard about pacing once, and decided it didn't like it. #monsterdon

This is an Akton movie.

But the Akton ain't so great.

#Monsterdon

... is the robot from the southern US??? #monsterdon

Man they oiled her up good for this shot. #Monsterdon

I'm probably going to like this #monsterdon because it has so many toy spaceships and goofy sets, and also because too many things are happening in it for me to adequately blog it.

Spaceship landing illustrated as a model very visibly suspended from a fishing line, check off that square on your bingo cards.

(Err, sorry, forgive me: "squarf")

#monsterdon

Nice of Barbarella to come pick her up. #Monsterdon

I like the way Stella plots the escape and then bails the instant she gets a gun, very heroic :P #Monsterdon

You can't have a railing kill without railings! Foul! #Monsterdon

lol, the impractical sexiness of her prison clothes compared to everyone else...

#Monsterdon

He's trying to be Princess Leia and Darth Vader all at once

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

I like how committed the future is to lycra

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

Hasselhoff!? No way. Germany is going to love this flick.

#monsterdon

Poor bastards got stuck in the Lava Lamp of Torture #Monsterdon

You know what? You don't often see a lot of starship interior designs that include staircases. Interesting so far.

#monsterdon

In the future, we'll have the technology to make all starship hulls out of paper

#Monsterdon

hang on this theme song whips was this in the main movie??? #monsterdon

"it's so nice to be turned on again," "and how" might be the only joke that actually gets delivered well #monsterdon

You know what would have been great? If when one of those ships sploded the soundtrack just suddenly stopped

#Monsterdon

christ i have two bars of that theme just stuck in my head in a loop

help meeeeeeeee

#monsterdon #starcrash

@jonny Now I must hear his original voice and lines!!!

#Monsterdon

@amyfou This is wild!

#Monsterdon

@Terencio Devil Girl is too good for this.

#monsterdon

@paco those are clearly buffalo wing horses

#Monsterdon

ok well that is fair to cut the scroll text for the american release if it is in ..french... #monsterdon

I feel like we could've spent a little more time on the Amazon ladies planet.

You know, maybe some lunch, and a coffee before the robot had show up and start blasting everyone and rescuing our heroes.

#monsterdon

@Louisa

Landos Calrissian. Well done.

#Monsterdon

Roger Corman had the right idea insisting on deleting some scenes, it's just that he should have deleted them all #monsterdon

Hey, I just realized. Did anyone use a Devil Girl template that I missed? #monsterdon

#monsterdon At least Star Crash didn't make a Christmas SPecial, although the movie itself looked like one..

"The stars are clear and the planets shine."

Might have made more sense the other way around. Plummer goes into what seems to be an ad lib pseudo Shakespeare wrap-up and we're done.

A little late for us with a Tubi melt-down right at the end.

#monsterdon

@arisummerland @strangefour good point

#Monsterdon

@ryan Thanks for streaming #StarCrash for #Monsterdon starting with the soundtrack/interview!

This concludes my #monsterdon thread for #starcrash, a movie that is a superposition of "Amazing" and "Terrible" at the same time.

I wanted the space amazons to come back and do more wacky anime gestures. Maybe have their giant fembot shoot a shatner ray at the emperor's fighters or something. But that would require more continuity than this movie could spare, I guess?

@jivens I guess that's why he's the Emperor.... #Monsterdon

What was the count saying at the end?

#Monsterdon #Starcrash1978

@arisummerland @lytta Oh someone said we were starting at :45 🤷

Not that I expect anything to happen anyway

#Monsterdon

Was this the worst Star Wars movie? or just the worst one that wasn't some low budget foreign film you can excuse looking like crap?
#Monsterdon #StarCrash

I’m actually a little mad at this movie. It should have been better.

#Monsterdon

Stellllaaa!

#monsterdon

That was one of the movies that we saw, and I guess they fucked off into space.

I still consider Elle one of the better characters, though.

#Monsterdon #Starcrash

why is dad speaking directly into the cameraaaaaa #monsterdon

"Well, it's done ... it's happened"

Perfect monologue to end this #Monsterdon

the suburu logo? polished.

#monsterdon #starcrash

The smuggler and the robot set the Flying City into kamikaze mode, then are challenged by the Count's fighters, which shoot it with pew pew lasers but are too puny to actually penetrate its rainbow armored hull.

However, its still going to explode when it hits the blue claw thing, so they evacuate by diving (with a space suit for the human) and then synchronize swim to safety.

#monsterdon

The floating city? What is it?

It's a large habitat that levitates, but that's not important right now.
#monsterdon #airplane

Aight I'm gonna review the Flying City this #monsterdon

PRO: it's lit up in rainbow colors, for Pride
CON: it mostly looks like random machinery glued together.

Conjecture: the Emperor commissioned a cool floating city, then decided it looked like crap, then tried to make it look better by lighting it up with more gay. But he was still disappointed with it and so was fine with starcrashing it to save his other planet from the Doom Machine.

Space high five!

#Monsterdon

@CactuarJoe they didn't even take the time to snap the model parts from the stems, they just glued on whole sheets #monsterdon

Every character in this movie is Trans, it's Lore

#Monsterdon

Oh did we forget to mention the Floating City until now?

#monsterdon

Quick, grab all the random shit you can, glue it on this miniature, and spray paint it all silver. Now…turn on the rainbow lights!

#Monsterdon

This Flash Gordony fight in the space fister feels like it was stolen from an unrelated Italian sci-fi movie.
#Monsterdon #StarCrash

The “doom machine.” Sounds bad.
#Monsterdon

@CactuarJoe I don't think anyone does. Not us, not the characters, not the effects people...

#monsterdon #starcrash

the sparkle throne of handholding is the gayest throne that has ever been imagined #monsterdon

Doom Machine = Torment Nexus

#Monsterdon

"It's over. It's finished."

oh thank god

"We've lost."

well that's too bad but at least we're getting to the end of this nonsense

#monsterdon

"character is on the right of frame so PAN HER VOICE 100% TO THE RIGHT" #monsterdon

I would say that it's ridiculous to have a weapon named the "doom machine" but we are ripping of a movie with the "death star" here

#Monsterdon

Okay now this red leotard with a silver armor dress, THIS I would wear.

#Monsterdon

Okay, so the gold jets are doing a good job lasering the blue claw and then I guess a breaching pod lands and some of the gold hat guys start boarding the blue claw and shooting the mooks inside. The evil Count does his best at leadership by shouting "Kill! Kill!" which I would put in the top 35% of evil overlord commands. Despite this excellent advice, his mooks seem to be losing.

#monsterdon

Trench run on a fist? Fisting run?
#Monsterdon #StarCrash

Crashing through windows on a spaceship? Now that's just silly.
#monsterdon

"Prepare for attack?!?!" wtf were you doing before that? #monsterdon

loving the golden dildo invaders there, brilliant!

#Monsterdon

[stares Christopher Plummerly]

#Monsterdon

Looks like 20 more minutes. Probably more space bikini.

#monsterdon

Didn't he just get an injury to his arm? Why is he obeying destiny to die of a small flesh wound? 🥴

#Monsterdon

why is that starship a hand? (and why did i just realize it's a hand?) (these are just a few of the many questions this movie has produced) #monsterdon

why is Chris's throne some kind of dreamworks-esque moon and stars thing? #monsterdon

After the planet explodes, the Emperor explains that now that the count thinks he's dead, he's going to attack the Count's headquarters in a surprise move that will "save billions of lives". I'm not sure from what, because the superweapon just exploded... maybe from the Count's remaining caveman/amazon armies.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Wow this just keeps going, doesn't it?

Any space civilisation which paints it's ships in gold is probably one to keep an eye out on.

I think this count is really counting his chickens.....

#Monsterdon

If we succeed at this, we could save billions of dollars.

Lives sir.

Yes, of course, lives.

#monsterdon

why is there still 20 minutes left in this file? #monsterdon

Chris here to show you amateurs how to say a stupid goddamn line with GRAVITAS. #Monsterdon

"IMPERIAL BATTLESHIP......HALT, THE FLOW OF TIME!"

Only a man like Christopher Plummer could deliver a line like that

#Monsterdon

The boy smuggler is dying; sensibly the other characters ask why he can't just heal himself with his magic powers, he explains that he can't because... uh... um... err... hum... reasons. yes. destiny. that's why.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Stella! Stella! A spaceship named Desire..

He is no longer useful at this time.
#monsterdon

All you had to do was push it over?

#monsterdon

Reminds me of that Cyclops who knew his own death

"You're the only human-like friend I've ever had"

That's kinda sad

#Monsterdon

HEY CHRIS! Thank god, here to get the movie back on track. #Monsterdon

i wish the cowboy robot would come back, RIP #Monsterdon

🦖#MONSTERDON 🎞️

🎥 LOW BUDGET FILM SCHOOL 💸

Copying a money-making movie quickly? Don't waste two hours watching the movie when you could be in production.

Like #Starcrash, where director Lugi Cozzi was told to make a movie like mega-popular Star Wars. Unfortunately, he had never seen Star Wars (it was not released in Italy yet).

So he used the novel derived from the movie to plan production.

This sword fight is reminding me of something but I just can't quite... Force myself to remember. #Monsterdon