"Might as well burn the family house down as well..."

#Monsterdon

Is there a sequel with mecha-Hercules

#monsterdon

(Throws osteoporosis into outer space)

#Monsterdon

There are better ways to plough a field. We aren’t in the Stone Age still, right?

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon Hercules is just plowing the middle of a rocky field a mile away from home? Are we sure he has superhuman intelligence

what are they even trying to stop Hercules from doing?

#monsterdon

lol, that's not far off the deadly drones that slaughter thousands out here in the real world.

For which I blame this film entirely for bringing into the world.

#Monsterdon

Keell zem. Keel zem aul. #Monsterdon

I'm happy the HRT is working out for Daedalus. She looks great.

#monsterdon #hercules1983

Pascal's Wager will trip you up every time.

#monsterdon

Uh, Daedalus isn't a god? Why are you calling on him? His story ends pretty poorly...

#Monsterdon

That bear is still floating in space to this day #Monsterdon

So is that how we got Ursa Major or Ursa Minor?

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

he threw a bear into space i'm crying

#monsterdon

"Daedalus" is a good name for a near Sol human colony...

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon SPACEBEAR

You think global warming's bad now? 3,000 years ago, they had grizzlies in GREECE!

#Monsterdon

Eventually, Hercules sensed danger, but his father and the bear had died of old age

#Monsterdon

ooofff, I've seen Grizzly Man, 'death by bear'is not fun

Stock footage vs man in bear costume

Bold

#Monsterdon

He got nicer parents this time round. #monsterdon #Hercules1983

His muscles are freaking me out.

#Monsterdon

The other goddess decides she needs to "right the balance" so she uses her goddess wand to make some lightning snake puppets to attack baby Herc but he strangles them and they explode like bath bombs.

#monsterdon

Lou used to come into the Blockbuster I managed in Santa Monica fairly often. He had a pretty decent collection. The captions on the DVDs was a real blessing for him. He has trouble hearing. #monsterdon

look when you get Free Baby, you take the Free Baby!

#monsterdon

Okay, Hera snakes trial down, I guess? Those were snakes, right? Sort of? #Monsterdon #Hercules1983

I shall name him… Moses!

#Monsterdon

🦖#MONSTERDON 🎞️

⁉️ DEMI-TRIVIA 💪

👀
Look for the famous bear interaction scene that has been a significant talking point in fandom.

#Hercules1983

Anyway the evil guy does a January 6 but it works this time, with a montage battle scene. But he tries to stab Hercules so there isn't a heir to the throne, because as an evil warlord he has seen Game of Thrones and knows that's a thing you're supposed to do when you obtain the throne.

Anyway, the princess has run off with Hercules and puts him in a boat, then is shot by pursuing guards but the pursuing guard commander vetoes shooting hercules (maybe he's a double agent?).

#monsterdon

TECHNICALLY COMPLIANT, THE BEST KIND

#monsterdon

You don't get modern gods bickering with each other like a married couple, I miss that...

#Monsterdon

We have waterpark at home!

The waterpark at home:

#monsterdon

Classic villain mistake: “Let nature do the killing, karma is absolutely on our side.”

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

BINGO!

Less then 15 minutes in you say?

#Monsterdon

A dutiful Age of Empires hoplite goes to report to "the Supreme Commander" that the sword was stolen, and then the Commander guy stabs him because he was in on the sword stealing plot. Also in on the sword stealing plot was the evil princess, who employs Eyepatch Man.

#monsterdon

Where are the snakes? There are supposed to be snakes!

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

We are told that the forces of evil are up to some shit and so we get a new character, Eyepatch Man, who shoots a bow at some guards so he can still a shining sword from its resting place between three goofy head statues.

A more notable character is the three separate stone heads that surround the sword, they seem nice.

#monsterdon

I can believe elites murdering babies is a 'divine pleasure' to them...

#Monsterdon

@ramsey this, indeed, is the task laid before us this evening #monsterdon

THE FINEST BROOM BRUSH HELMETS

#monsterdon

Canon! 80s harbinger of quality!

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

Oscar one-eyessac

#Monsterdon

J.J. Abrams saw this as a kid and instead of being twisted by the unrealistic standard of masculinity, he was like OOH LENS FLARES.
#monsterdon

He's got jelly beans on his armor in case he needs a snack.

#monsterdon

Dude. There are a lot if bad dudes in this film.

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

Um, isn’t armor supposed to offer *some* protection against arrows?

#Monsterdon

A one eyed archer.

Who's a great shot.

Okay.

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

@Terencio Someday a writer will hear of orichalcum

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

And so the lens flare was sent to earth to rematerialize into a baby somehow? Glad they cranked the annular confinement beam for that transport. #Monsterdon

what did they do to Jack Sparrow

#monsterdon

@SRLevine lol, please don’t take that hat off! #monsterdon

You can start any time now, movie.

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

That bow and arrow ought to work fine with his total lack of depth perception

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

After creating the universe and showing us some matte paintings or something, we go to the moon where the gods live for some reason and are having a god conference. We meet Zeus (in a silly hat) and two goddesses who are both dressed like Guhlinda the good witch from Oz.

The gods decide that humans will have problems now that they exist, so we need to give them a champion or two to protect them, but we decide to make only one, so we get a... wait... what??

#monsterdon

so Hercules is really from the moon in this version

so he's the Greek sailor moon

#monsterdon

uh, his eyes are up here (to all youse junk checkers)

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon he is gonna be so bummed when he stops zipping around as a lightball and is just a dude

I like where we're starting. Can I make one suggestion? Some constructive feedback? Anything other than flesh-colored sweatpants.

#monsterdon

🦖#MONSTERDON 🎞️

⁉️ DEMI-TRIVIA 💪

Virtually all actors in tonight's feature were dubbed, and mostly by the same three voice actors.

#Hercules1983

Hercules LIGHT

2.2% APV

#Monsterdon

Are the gods sending tinkerbell to earth?

#Monsterdon

I didn't realize Hercules' birth name was "Spiders Georg"

#monsterdon

Now that the gods are here to narrate, we no longer need atheistic narrators!

#monsterdon

@bstacey not me, bring me MORE MOONS

EXOMOONS!

#Monsterdon

Director Luigi Cozzi apparently still runs a giallo- and Dario Argento-themed bookstore in Rome.

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

I do extremely like the bloopy noises that play whenever we see a jar fragment zoom through space and then it becomes a planet with a satisfying "blooop!" we stan bloopy noises on this channel.

#monsterdon

Is that a young Jon Stewart as Zeus?

#Monsterdon

They were not men - they were Devo!

#Hercules1983 #Monsterdon

"Lunar elites deciding our Terran fate!"

#Monsterdon

Lemme guess, Herc is gonna have to collect all the fragments, right?

#monsterdon

This movie starts with an orchestra unleashing all of its firepower to a background of outer space as credits play by.

Then the narrator explains that the universe was created by a big bang that turned into chaos and the four elements are "night", "day", "matter" and "air", which is an odd list of elements.

Then we see some clouds and um... then we see pandora's jar which is a pottery that is also a space ship and then it explodes. okay.

#monsterdon

Shout out to the moons which the Greeks did not know about

#Monsterdon

Air and matter are, contrary to popular beliefs, not mutually exclusive.

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

Chaos merged with darkness, and they called it tw*tter. #monsterdon

... and the furtive pygmy, so easily forgotten.

#monsterdon

This movie so far really feels like it wants to be space opera

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

"Cannon group"

Starry background

Clearly this is a reference to The Moon is a Harsh Mistress

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

Awe, Tubi also has Hercules in New York, which is utterly baffling, especially Arnolds accent which is so thick you can cut it with a knife. #monsterdon

All I want from tonight's movie is something approaching Hulk tossing a bear awesomeness #Monsterdon

#monsterdonAlert #monsterdon

GO GO GO!!!

Take a drink every time this mfer says "Kill them all".

#monsterdon #WrongHercules

wait... is Ferrigno's character supposed to be Kyuzo?

#monsterdon #WrongHercules

"It seems like they are all asleep!" Breaking the 4th wall there, huh?

#monsterdon #WrongHercules

He got "pantsed" once as a kid, so he's making sure that never happens again.

#monsterdon #WrongHercules

"Let me look at Han, solo."

#monsterdon #WrongHercules

So which one of these random gladiators is the Toshiro Mifune of the group? Is it Sybil? She is the fun talkative one.
#Monsterdon #TheSevenMagnificentGladiators

Jaws is coming!!

#Monsterdon

@strangefour #monsterdon #WrongHercules

I bet Han shoots first.

Back to men in miniskirts. xD

#Monsterdon

anyway great job team, another movie launched into space

sadly no new constellation tho'

what would the monsterdon constallation look like?

probably godzilla, but

you never know

and thanks as always to @Taweret for hosting ^_^

#monsterdon #TheIncredibleHerc

@Terencio emails? Or toots? There have been a bunch of scammers active responding to #Monsterdon posts today (probably because it's a high-engagement hashtag)

In other news, I got like 3 scam emails from "the Mastodon team" tonight. wtf is that all about?!?

#monsterdon #WrongHercules

@moira We need to get this sequel into the #monsterdon voting!

#hercules1983

"I will FWEE BWIAN!!"

#monsterdon #WrongHercules

ya forgot to check his wallet, lady.

#monsterdon #WrongHercules

I didn't realize Greek mythology had so many "tests"

#monsterdon #WrongHercules

@jivens@beige.party Loved relative to other Monsterdon films? Wholeheartedly!

Loved compared to good films? ...yeah, okay, it has its charm

#Monsterdon #Hercules1983

There is a deficit of things being flung into space in this one

#Monsterdon

@kshernandez

Not likely.

#Monsterdon

"Collect all the boys of his age..."
OH NO!
"AND KILL THEM!"
Oh... okay I guess?
#Monsterdon #SevenMagnificentGladiators