Circe uses her Talisman to enlarge Herc with the power of neon rectangles so that Xenodama can be impressed with his pecs and also so that he can um... separate Europe from Africa giving us continents. yes that sounds right.
"There's the chariot"
I have eyes, lady. #Monsterdon
Some of the dialogue in this film makes me think the script was originally written for a porno, but it was then optioned by a regular studio and went through several rounds of rewrites before making it to this point.
Okay, we got a new quest... we need to win a winged chariot from Xenodama, king of Africa and only black guy I've seen in this movie. He arrives on a litter to emit RPG quest giving dialog nonchalantly.
#monsterdon The rainbow bridge leads to... hell? Or... Queer Eye? ;)
MAGIC WAND, MAKE MY FERRIGNO GROW #monsterdon
Circe is such a fucking dealmaker.
This looks like where they filmed Clash of the Titans
what the hell is any of that #monsterdon
You know, Greek is a real language, you didn't have to make up mumbo jumbo
"but the winged horses are lost out to Infinity"
what else have you thrown out into Space Hercules?
Island of Thera... will we get a giant volcanic eruption?
How Circe got her groove back #monsterdon
Hell in this world is a cool skull floating in lava, or perhaps smoky orange punch. You reach it by crossing a rainbow bridge and getting a ferry ride from Charon, represented here by a spooky skeleton man.
It would be fun if Charon in this movie was replaced by Stella from Spiritfarer and her happy psychopomp boat full of furries but Hell remained a giant skull lava pit.
I though the rainbow bridge led to ragnarok. Look if Marvel isn't going to take this seriously, why should I? #monsterdon
"But the barrier will weaken if you keep it in your wallet for too long!"
Supervillain Protip: if you're sending a killer robot that shoots lasers to terrorize a hero on a planet with shiny shields, first make sure that the lasers won't reflect off of shiny shields, if possible.
#Monsterdon πͺ π§ββοΈ π» π π π¬π· π±
perfect opportunity for mothra collab
All the women characters basically have a bathing suit and some accessories as a costume.
That''s where her charm is? I think she's got plenty of *ahem* charm in that outfit!
I really have to pee but I can't tear myself away from this travesty.
There better be a three headed hell hound on this river....
@Taweret She can just... look at something and magic just happens.
Why doesn't she just look at things and, you know, magic sharp objects inside them or something?
She doesn't even need Hercules.
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@moira there were hercules books?
"Hercules, be a darling an walk into the centre of Hell to get a charm for me...cheers"
'nother one bites the dust, take that Daedelus
#monsterdon
Bifrost is... oh damnit nevermind. #Monsterdon #Hercules1983
If it's an endless stairway how would you ever get to the center of the Earth
Those Legos didn't stand a chance.
Now that Circe is hot again, she has donned a swimsuit armored corset to give Herc a tour of her rainbow waterfalls and explains that she was exiled from Thira. She magicks up a sword and a shield for Herc to use.
But back on the moon King Minos and the Devil Girl from Mars are watching this and decide to send a robot dragon to attack Herc and Circe with cosmic phaser beams.
ha ha ha she's got a great οΌβο½βοΌface :D #Monsterdon
No way fam. It's rockin a 2 on the Dolemite Scale (+1 for titties, +1 for funny) and I'm bettin we get some kung fu before the movies over.
Why does Circe only get a sexy golden bathing suit after she gets young? that's ageism!
#monsterdon
#hercules1983
There was a time earlier in this movie when pants existed
Inside the Evil Toy Boat the Hot Evil Lady tells Cass that they're going to Thira (a real bronze age Minoan-ish city that was destroyed by a volcano), whose capital is Atlantis (uh oh), so they can sacrifice her to Hera.
Zeus gets the horn when he watches drones grow...let's not kink shame...he's done far worse...
Cosmic rays of deadly fire!!! #Monsterdon
i have my doubts that hercules even learned how to use a sword at any point
"The next drone fires X ray lasers, happy now?"
@RobynGoodfellow oh *nothing* is hidden in this movie
try saying: "I'm Cerci the Sourceress" 10 times in a row really fast
#Monsterdon
OK, ok! #Monsterdon folks!
Hercules witch vs Pumpkinhead witch!
Slushie Falls.
I'm sure the elderly woman character is totes benevolent....
#monsterdon
Honestly, granny's outfit looks really comfy.
Does he just... randomly flex even when standing still? What even the
The foley guys are using sound effects made by literally tuning an analog shortwave radio receiver.
The ancient Heathkit I played with as a kid would make those sounds as I struggled to find anything listenable via its unlabeled tuning knobs.
#monsterdon Good lord, such a classic scene and now I know what movie it came from. I've been recalling this movie for years but I couldn't remember if it was a Conan or Hercules thing. Turns out, Hercules. 1983. I was an 8 year old gay boy and this was one of those moviesβ¦
what in the superimposed is this Easter Island doing?
@JoeWynne that would be great!
"Don't underestimate him. The Earth's yellow sun will restore hisββ
(whoops wait wrong mythos)
We learn that the diverted river was also made of soap, since it not only unpooped the stables but also made them shiny, clean and prismatic.
We then see Cassiopeas face and the music tells us how romantic this is and then Herc and Cass kiss. But Zeus decides to be a cockblock (or maybe to save them from stabbing) and zaps them with a stunning lighting bolt before some guards show up.
Hercules: βCassiopeia, please put the veil back. Youβre not as pretty as I was led to believe.β
#Monsterdon πͺ π§ββοΈ π» π π π¬π· π±
Lou, that's not 'falling in love' face. It's more like 'is confused by a math problem' face
Damn it Herc you converted it to a data center
Switching from the stables to the unstables
omg so clean it shines!!
Please have a beard....
Horses drowned, but stables clean!
Actually some decent day-for-night. I can't see anything tho. #monsterdon
don't ask questions, just roll with it
#Monsterdon
there are whole towns that depend on that river you're diverting #monsterdon
guys i don't think hercules is a civil engineer
#monsterdon
"Ha! now that town won't have water for their crops!"
Does 83 Lou look a lot like Bruno from Fame or is it just me?
This is the famous scene where Hercules says "I *DIVERT* your milkshake! I divert it *right up*!" #Monsterdon #Hercules1983
flooding a building does not traditionally result in a clean building tho
#monsterdon oh sister letβs go down, down to the river to clean the Augean stables
"I'm taking things easy because I know what I'm going to do. Retire on my Hulk money." #monsterdon
After this bonkers job interview we learn that the mission is "Escort my hot daughter to Athens!" Not the skillset I was expecting given the elimination process.
and that is how Hercules invented TaskRabbit
Part three of the job interview is a tug of war contest against a group of ten people with a giant log, which Herc wins by yeeting the log in space where it will, 4300 years later, become a whale probe.
Typical, only the woman is smart enough to still be masking in such a high-COVID-transmission venue as βthe gamesβ #Monsterdon
Shout out to the King of Tyre for having the most bonkers deadliest warrior job interview.
"Oh no our last candidate was mowed down by our scythe chariots. Who could have foreseen this? NEXT!"
come on Hercules, yeet the advisor.
Ahhh, cleaning the horse shit out, I love this Herculean task!
THAT IS NOT HOW "TELEPHONE POLE" KINETIC WEAPONS WORK!
"Dear Mighty Hercules, here is a list of people you must throw out into Space..."
the incredulous look the king it giving to all of this
throw the horses into Space to make Pegasus!
The veil is so she can vape without her parents seeing.
pecs-a-flex.
Oh that's gross, why do his pecs move on their own?!
π¦#MONSTERDON ποΈ
βοΈ DEMI-TRIVIA πͺ
𫦠An R-rated script was written for Hercules, and when Ferrigno read it, he burst into Golan's office, threw the document into the trash, and said it was a "piece of shit".
πΆ So a family-friendly script was started. Nobody wanted to fight an award-winning body-builder.
2/2
"That man is different from the others. He has incredible strength. Oh, and okay FINE I guess he fights well too..." - the king, probably
I want it on the record that I said this *before* Hercules appeared to be dual-wielding lightsabers. #monsterdon
#Monsterdon πͺ π§ββοΈ π» π π π¬π· π±
Lou's face while he's shield fighting is hilarious
this kind of has a Turkish star wars vibe
#Monsterdon
Herc just drags his feet so he makes static electricity charges.
And that's why ancient Greece had such a big unhoused problem. Every time someone left home, they just fucking burned it down
Wow, thrilling. #Monsterdon
"oh shit we forgot to tell hercules he was supposed to triumph over evil" #monsterdon
of course, you gotta burn your house when you go on a quest, it's the rules.