@brews #ChecksNotes ... porky? kevin bacon? #Monsterdon

Perfect Teeth in prehistoric times

#Monsterdon

we're going to be seeing a lot of Marc Singer in this movie, every inch...

#Monsterdon

"I had one fucked up dream last night darling"

#Monsterdon

"In an epic world of dungeons, dragons, and Dar, there's a NEW kind of hero!"

There are no dragons, only torture dungeons, in this movie. There *are* Tanya Roberts' titties!

Based so loosely on a book (about a psionic Native American on an alien planet) by Andre Norton she had her name taken off it!

Orc witches are a hell of a choice. Maybe kingy shoulda exiled them, too, if they're threatening his baby? Eh, I hate monarchies.

#monsterdon #beastmaster

"I've been told you've been planning a child sacrifice"

"What am I like?!"

#Monsterdon

I remember Marc Singer from the TV series "V" , which was about lizard people taking over the world and the Humans who sold out to them....

#Monsterdon

@CactuarJoe Ask not for whom the panflute toots... #monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

@Violinknitter every I'm in a forest, I hear that tune and there he is ... #Monsterdon

well that was amazing, mostly thanks to the music and Jack Palance leaving no scenery unchewed. thanks @Taweret for hosting, and thanks everyone for the hilarious commentary!

#monsterdon

#monsterdon

SAY IT

SAY IT

SAY IT

"Hey! Beastmaster's On!"

Extremely a good bad movie. Thanks for the commentary.

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

That was a silly romp.

Thanks, bearer of the #monsterdon poll and the real time analysis gang!

Hawk 2: Quest for charisma

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

Setting up Hawk The Slayer 2-Electric Boogaloo? Thanks #monsterdon ers. Take care. See ya soon.

Love that "you have outstayed your welcome" look

#Monsterdon

KNIFE CROSS!? Secret knife cross....
#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

And then Jack Palance said, "now strip"
#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

this is a phenomenal film

phenomenal

#Monsterdon

PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW
#monsterdon

#monsterdon Very noble sacrifice from that priestess, but the giant was wearing armor, he probably would have been ok.

@Binder that thing was a fucking blunderbuss 😝

#monsterdon

SILLY STRING????
REALLY??????
#Monsterdon

A dart gun that shoots silly string? I wouldn’t have guessed #monsterdon

So this Wizard in the red room is basically Voltan's opiate dealer?

ooo, death by silly string!

#Monsterdon

I'm glad I'm not some oppressive jerk expecting everyone to laugh at my terrible jokes

#Monsterdon

well well, the bad guy did not keep his side of the bargain, when do people learn that one?

#Monsterdon

lol, pretty fast reacting poison!

#Monsterdon

Nice of the science lab to lend a test tube to the drama class

#Monsterdon

A test tube of sugar helps the sleeping draught go down #monsterdon

Roofie the big guy eh

#monsterdon

@Louisa sorry, https://mastodon.xyz/@Louisa/117029123938825381 is to what i referred... my bad.

#monsterdon

I skipped "Age of Ultron" for this? #Monsterdon

#monsterdon You can tell they're the good guys by the way they slaughter an entire encampment under cover of smoke.

oi, don't be destroying the woman's pottery. that shit costs time and money in the medieval world.

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

Hawk? Hey, Hawk?

🫰🫰🫰

Hell, he's doing it again

#Monsterdon

Laaaaaaaaaand

#Monsterdon

What if he got the wrong nunnery though?

#Monsterdon

that horse is attempting to leave the movie.

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

@socketwench Biblically Accurate Voltan

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon And the Abess is over there, and the giant is over there. Everyone is somewhere. And that's deep thoughts, with Hawk, played by Jack Handey.

#monsterdon Now all Jack Palance needs to do is push a little, and he'll... hahahahahah nevermind. I was taking this to a more entertaining gay place.

What kind of a monster sugars lizard nuts

#Monsterdon

Why do they keep doing laser resurfacing on Jack Palance's face? #Monsterdon

"There is no cure for this face."

-Jack Palance

#Monsterdon

that was pretty sadistic though...

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon There is a lot of mystical whistling in this particular flick. And apparenly some south-side machine crossbow action.

Swiss cheese is holey food

#Monsterdon

LOOK WEEEEEEEELL LITT'L BROTHAH! #Monsterdon

Nice table, tho

#Monsterdon

That Hunchback gets around..

#Monsterdon

Every time they say the name “Hawk” I remember that there is a personal injury law practice in South Carolina called “HawkLaw”. They use the sound of a hawk’s scream in their TV commercials.

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

I really don't think that's enough fuel on a wooden raft for to end up with a body in ashes, you aren't going to mingle that with your sacred lake, you're going to pollute the the water with a partially burned body.

#Monsterdon

So much nothing is happening. Wow

#monsterdon #hawktheslayer1980

DORF

#Monsterdon

this feels like a zoom meeting....

#Monsterdon

never see it cominnnnnnnnn

#Monsterdon

That cowboy flute kills me every time

#Monsterdon

OO-EE-OO-EE-OO!

#monsterdon

Did somebody just SCREAM when they entered the gates?

Now somebody is keening and wailing ... is that supposed to be werewolves?

Oh no, it's Weredisco!

#Monsterdon

Strange that medieval british forests had such a bad smog problem. #monsterdon

@CactuarJoe elf version of earbuds in

#Monsterdon

@bunnyhero It's not very 16th century, or whatever time this is supposed to be. #monsterdon

the hooded person is dealing drugs

#Monsterdon

@rebeld oooooh yes that would be so great!

#Monsterdon 👑 👬 💀 ⚔️🦅 😱

Warhammer 1k

#Monsterdon

Bernard Bresslaw was Britain's top comedy giant of the 60s and 70s

This is a timeline where Irish and elves coexist....

#Monsterdon

@xerozohar Well *I'm* not doing this guy's loyalty misson :/ #Monsterdon

@bunnyhero I wonder if the music was written for this? If not, what for? #monsterdon

@CactuarJoe ah hell we're playing Mass Effect 2's finale

#Monsterdon

@xerozohar Oh great, you know Hawk's move speed is faster than walk but slower than run :/ :/ #Monsterdon

The score kind of doesn't exactly fit with the movie, but that's okay.
#monsterdon

Such a useful sword though....

#Monsterdon

who just comes out a hedge like that?

#Monsterdon

That's some killer ADHD there, Hawk

#Monsterdon

🦖 MONSTERDON 🎞️

⁉️ TRIVIA THE SLAYER ⚔️

👂Listen for
...the sound effect used for the Black Wizard's healing crystal. It's the same one used for the sound of Scaramanga's laser in The Man with the Golden Gun (1974).

BTW: Jack Palance was the first option to play Francisco Scaramanga in that film. Christopher Lee got the part, because, you know, Christopher Lee.

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer #HawkTheSlayer1980

@moira easily #Monsterdon

The Good, the Bird, and the Paycheck

#Monsterdon

every time they play the Not A Western Music Sting I Swear, my little heart thrills. absolutely perfect.

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

“Let’s have a contest”

The film editing: “No”

#monsterdon #hawktheslayer1980

Stwike him wuffly centuwion!
#monsterdon

"A contest!" *dance music resumes*

#Monsterdon

getting whiplash from the transition of no music to FUNKY DISCO!

#monsterdon

Meanwhile, with the serious actor

#Monsterdon

And now the intro to Dark Souls 2

#Monsterdon

For a moment that staring felt like a samurai movie.

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

Votan rides on to bother the nuns in the Very High Ceilinged Cottage, but they say "fuck you Votan you did war crimes" in ecclesiastically. Sir Gangrene the Bold tries to crossbow him but it doesn't work, so he kidnaps the lead nun and absconds to a nearby matte painting.

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

The sound system on Hawk's steed is out of this world. #HawkTheSlayer1980 #Monsterdon

HAWK

THE MAN THEY CALL HAWK

#Monsterdon

Sir Gangrene the Bold explains that some devils, probably metaphorically attacked his village and their leader was "Votan the Dark One!" which is a pretty good fantasy baddie name.

We cut to Votan, who was the eyepatched guy, who is hanging outside in a thunderstorm and yelling at the sky. This summons an evil space god who wears a hood and has a giant red sun as his zoom background, so he can give ominous instructions.

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

Different time of day matte paintings!

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

Obey or next time I will.... slice your hamburger buns crosswise instead of horizontally. Your barbecue will be ruined! MUAHAHAAAA

#Monsterdon

Such a wonderful matte castle!

(Shh!)

#monsterdon

My sword don't want none unless you got buns, nun

#Monsterdon

@xerozohar He's struggling not to go to the airport to get out of town.

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer #HawkTheSlayer1980

it's only 10 minutes in but i am enjoying this more than sword & the sorcerer so far

#monsterdon

Say no to druids

#Monsterdon

Everything about Jack Palance is a bit of a hat on a hat. Voltan isn't clearly evil enough of a name, so he has to also be tagged as The Dark One, just so we are clear. #Monsterdon

@CactuarJoe ZARKORRRRRR er, wait

#Monsterdon

@CactuarJoe yes!!!! #Monsterdon