The pommel on that sword almost looks like an obscene gesture ("Faire le figue")

Almost.

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

The power of the mullet compels you. The power of the mullet compels you. #monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

How old was this father when he had his son Jack Pałance? #Monsterdon

#Monsterdon ahh an anti pollution film

Hand opens up to flip him the bird. #Monsterdon

Mystical Noise

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

Their Excalibur is called Fisty

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

#Monsterdon oh no! not the evil he's spawned

if I could fist that sword I wouldn't need your powers, old man

#monsterdon

My apartment can't decide if it smells like chocolate or italian food from the stuff in the oven. About as confused as I am now that I missed apparently a crucial 30 seconds while checking said oven...

#Monsterdon

A father & son with such great tenderness towards each other that they must’ve met for the first time yesterday

#Monsterdon

Oh hey, THAT'S our hero. Captain 5-head. #monsterdon

The mindstone! They're 20% of the way to collecting their own Infinity GAuntlet! #monsterdon
#hawktheslayer

Oh shit it's uranium throw it away my dude!

#Monsterdon

Behold! The Mullet of Destiny!

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

This has distinctly made for TV feel.

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

it's silly putty!

it's RADIOACTIVE silly putty!

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

"Jacob and Esau the TV Glow"

#monsterdon
#HawkTheSlayer

#Monsterdon never understood how death is cold

Classic Hollywood bloodless wound.

#Monsterdon

How sure are we that that was a mortal wound? Oh, okay, then. #Monsterdon

Let's Go! #Monsterdon time.

"The evil I have spawned shall pollute the land…"

Shoulda had more fiber in your diet.

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

That is some cheesy gold foil on the walls. #Monsterdon

Fist bump sword!!! Oh yeah #monsterdon

do not fist with a sword

#monsterdon

Oh no. I think this guy is the protanganist. It's gonna be a LONG 93 minnutes. #monsterdon

ORBS.

#monsterdon #hawktheslayer1980

Is that a harpsichord in the soundtrack?

Volton! ah, VOLTAN!

"I have much to tell you and so little time." Somehow I think we'll have plenty of time.

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

Spawning evil has consequences #Monsterdon

That's just a pet rock.

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

High quality direct to video. Gold painted walls. Second draft script at best.

Ooh, +1 Sword of Fisting!

#monsterdon

I guess the ancient secret was "how not to be stabbed"
#monsterdon  

#Monsterdon didn't even check his body for clues to the power? Incompetent villian

Geez. You waited until the last minute with all the “much to tell” stuff, didn’t you?

#Monsterdon

fist sword

#monsterdon

that sword, that sword, that stupid sword, it's always come between us!

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

....does the pommel have a fist?

#Monsterdon

as an achey person i keep reading the name Voltan as Voltaren #monsterdon

"The evil I have spawned will now pollute the land" That was some breakfast burrito. #monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

No father! Not your neck pouch!

#Monsterdon
#HawkTheSlayer1980

Was he 2 when he sired him?

#Monsterdon

I think his dad is sword divorcing this guy. #Monsterdon

Listening to the music makes me wonder when in the 80s they switched to using synth music for fantasy. #monsterdon

SWORDS *check*
SORCERY *check*

#Monsterdon

shoulda thot of that earlier, old man

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

First person slain #Monsterdon

Living up to promises

Why was the old man looking to the pink pool? looks like a motel room
#monsterdon

It's a power so powerful that only the forces of evil have any solid idea of what to do w/ it. #Monsterdon

LET ME IN TO YOUR JIFFY-POP LAIR!

#monsterdon #hawktheslayer1980

okay I love the sets already

#monsterdon

Aw yeah we got an Ancient Power, we got Good and Evil, we got a Sword...

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

#Monsterdon is the devil in this movie?

#Monsterdon

ACTING

Eldest son? Jack Pallance you are older than that man.
#Monsterdon #HawktheSlayer

Are those glass ornaments in the background? Posing as statues? #Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

#Monsterdon starting out strong with the synth music!

What's with the Playboy Mansion Grotto decorations?
#monsterdon
#hawktheslayer

I SWEAR the HVAC guy did not change the air filter last time. Just LOOK at this.

#monsterdon

Yondah lies the castle of my faddah, the caspah!

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

my partner saw the poster for tongiht's #monsterdon and said "he looks like the protagonist's uncle"

Producer: I want a Darth Vader character.

Director: This is a sword and sorcery movie...

Producer: I WANT WHAT I WANT!

#Monsterdon
#HawkTheSlayer1980

#Monsterdon

Is that a NAZI helmet?

this synth soundtrack sounds promising
#monsterdon

I think the secret is the lilac water in the hot tub

#Monsterdon

They are in the lesser known Rectangular Office of the White House.

#Monsterdon

[tense music]
[archaic themes, from the 80s]
[golden gargoyles]
#Monsterdon #HawktheSlayer

The ancient power.... of pink light!!

#monsterdon

I join #Monsterdon

So far there is a deep voiceover, and a square pool of lavender dry ice

Horse again. #Monsterdon

LITERAL unforced laughter at Palance in that helmet

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

okay I think the music is running a little LOUD in the mix but I'm kinda liking it?

#monsterdon #hawktheslayer1980

kinda catchy soundtrack…

#monsterdon

A man wearing all black on a black horse at night. We've met our hero, I presume. #monsterdon

Jack Palance slumming it and chewing scenery, wearing a ridiculous helmet

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

boo, pro-good schill propaganda. #monsterdon brought to you by #BigGood. #ProEvil #EvilIsAOK #JustBeEvil #OnlyEvilThings #EvilFans

Thanks for setting expectations? I hope you meet them.

And I do understand that you can't start a film with, "This is a tale written because we had Jack Palance on a five-film contract...."

#Monsterdon

that's an interesting helmet eye patch setup

#monsterdon

“the castle Arrrgh our quest is at an end” #Monsterdon

From Paul...

ChatGPT write a bland opening for my middling movie.

#Monsterdon

One can never have too much dry ice or gilt.

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

That guy in the helmet has a funny way of knocking. #Monsterdon

A story of Heroic Deeds! And Good! And Evil! And a Sword! And a Hero! And a lot of Weird Capitalization!

#monsterdon

@Taweret

"In a land before quality mics..."

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

oh man the closeup on this guy's face while he's walkin' down the hallway...

#monsterdon

Sudden and spooky horse walking!

#monsterdon

Not to be confused with "hock the Slayer", which is when you pawn off the rights to the Buffy IP in order to cover your debts to Nine Fingers Nico

#Monsterdon

Come into my lilac-color hot tub (not a sexual invitation)

#Monsterdon

another fantasy movie with a special sword

#monsterdon

His eldest son looks older than him. #monsterdon
#hawktheslayer

Urgh.... clunk

#monsterdon

Look deeeeeep into the purple spa!

#Monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer

#monsterdon The other brother known as Hawk, he had one power, the power of spittin' on that thang

Did the sun set just then? #Monsterdon

I'm glad it was also written because I couldn't hear anything he said. #monsterdon

#Monsterdon creepy ass statues

the grotesques are bored too

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980

the repeating arrow shots were not so much to imply quickness as a way to save shooting time

#monsterdon #hawktheslayer1980

This is a Story of Random capitalization in a Title card.

#Monsterdon
#HawkTheSlayer1980

This is a story of mighty deeds.

Well, that narrows it down.

#monsterdon #HawkTheSlayer1980