Critters 3
Ben Zanin
Ben Zanin
gnomon

MONSTER CHOMP

"Let him go, he can't help being an asshole!"

(Lighting that basement with one of those dark red road flares seems like a terrible idea. Even in the open air the fumes from those things are nauseating, and the phosphorous light is more than bright enough to destroy your night vision.)

Whoops! CRITTER KILL: phosphorous road flare? I think?

Floaty Birb
Floaty Birb
floatybirb

After his dad berates him for being squeamish toward a cooking show that is somehow on a TV, Joshua decides his dad is a jerk and says he hates him, which the audience agrees with.

After he leaves, more fuzzballs ambush Evil Sweater Man and presumably eat him, which the audience approves of. Them Marsha appears to investigate, using her Signal Flare ability. She finds his corpse in a recliner, where a fuzzball is probably eating it.

Ben Zanin
Ben Zanin
gnomon

*a cylindrical garbage can or cigarette ash tray or whatever is rolled down the stairs, intercut with championship bowling footage and accompanied by bowling-ball sound effects; four or five critters are smacked in slow motion and fly straight up into the air*

Leaning hard into the camp this time, I see. Well, we knew into what we were getting.

SnoopJ
SnoopJ
SnoopJ@hachyderm.io

Man alive I cannot get over how "paint by numbers" this action music is. It sounds like it came out of a catalogue, and hey, maybe it did.

At least the creators had foresight enough to use it to build up a quiet moment for that bowling ball gag, which was actually pretty fun.

#Monsterdon

Floaty Birb
Floaty Birb
floatybirb

As the most useful character in this movie, the daughter appears to rescue laundry lady from the monsters; she fights them off with a broom, gaining 20XP, then both of them go to tell her dad. Laundry lady describes the monsters as Tasmanian devils, then realizes that she's bleeding and falls over. Dad tries to help but doesn't believe in the basement aliens and thinks they are just rats (despite laundry lady's giant wounds).

Floaty Birb
Floaty Birb
floatybirb

The Daughter wanders into the grandparent's flat to eat more pies and hear grandpa's story about aliens, then leaves.

The son is there eating pies too, and recognizes the weird guy from a photograph of a cop in a newspaper. Then his crystal grows green, indicating that orcs... i mean... um... furry mouthballs are near.

saucerlost

I forgot that Critters are basically Sonic the Hedgehog with even more 'tude

Floaty Birb
Floaty Birb
floatybirb

I'm guessing we're doing a redemption arc with the dad who starts neglectful but then gets less neglectful.

saucerlost

$10 on a Critter bustin straight outa them ham and beans

Ben Zanin
Ben Zanin
gnomon

That alternating two-note musical theme while the shot lingered on the broken basement window sounded _very_ reminiscent of Jerry Goldsmith's work from Alien (1979), eh?

Floaty Birb
Floaty Birb
floatybirb

Anyway, the trio of Bulk, Skulk and Butch are ambushed by the family from before, which almost crashes into them in their truck because it doesn't have breaks. After it fails to kill them, we see a crabapple below the truck, which music informs us is an evil critter egg.

The characters scatter to do various errands, the daughter goes to visit her grandparents after their road trip. Grandma makes her pies and grandpa tries to tell her that the Grand Canyon is an alien graveyard.

Floaty Birb
Floaty Birb
floatybirb

note: the character I have called "Bulk" is not actually all that bulky. he kind of reminds me of Danny Devito. his name is mario also.

Floaty Birb
Floaty Birb
floatybirb

Before they part ways, the weird guy hands the son a magic crystal that grows green when monsters are near. The older boy, whose name is "Joshua" and whose stepdad is the mysterious guy in yellow, managed to steel an electric pen or sonic screwdriver or phaser or something from the weird guy before they left. On their return the mysterious guy in yellow threatens to beat Joshua.

Floaty Birb
Floaty Birb
floatybirb

After some frisbeeing, the older boy throws a frisbee off a cliff and goes to retrieve it, despite the risk of badgers. The other kids and some extra children we found somewhere follow too because what else are they going to do.

As he grabs the frisbee, there is an explosion and a weird man with a flashlight on his head and an empty bandolier emerges from a pile of leaves and berates the kids before telling us his life story, that involves a spaceship.

Floaty Birb
Floaty Birb
floatybirb

The son throws his frisbee into the grass and goes to get it. He is accosted by an older boy who tells him to not run over the edge because there might be badgers there or something. The daughter ambushes the older boy and calls him a pervert, then they deescalate and decide to play frisbee.

Dad meets another parking lot denizen, a mysterious man dressed in yellow who is drinking a cocktail in a parking lot.

LA Sooner
LA Sooner
MatthewTitus88

Sweet and sour pork for din. Not a massive variety of veg(onion/green pepper) but it's a nice thick, but not heavy, S&S sauce.

Laurel Stvan
Laurel Stvan
LingLass@vmst.io

So that had the makings of a fun film, but very few actual fun moments 😀. Though kind of an amusing shwarma ending. But as always, thanks for gathering us all together, @Taweret #Monsterdon

Ben Zanin
Ben Zanin
gnomon

Oh whoops, post-credits (or inter-credits) stinger: there are still two critter eggs left and Charlie is forbidden from doing a genocide, so another critters film must be created. Too bad we will never, ever watch it.

Well, good night!

Floaty Birb
Floaty Birb
floatybirb

A cylindrical zoo pod crashes into the basement, and "To Be Continued" flashes on the screen. Then we get normal credits without weird antics.

Floaty Birb
Floaty Birb
floatybirb

We get more weird credit antics. Weird Forest Guy finds some alien eggs. Weird Forest Guy almost detonates some grenades. Weird Forest Guy finds a laser hologram that is also a message from space, where he has friends. They tell him to not kill all the Critters, he has to save the last two eggs so they don't get extinct. He has to deliver the eggs to a space zoo pod to preserve the species.

Ben Zanin
Ben Zanin
gnomon

Every time a movie puts a character in peril by showing them hanging from a fire escape or flag pole or whatever, and the bolts gradually tear out of the wall until the character falls, I feel like people are being misinformed about how strong those connections actually are. Those bolts _hang on_.