"We made this food chemically, for you"

This movie is just going to flat out refuse to pass the Bechdel test, isn't it?

#monsterdon

Asteroid pimping

#monsterdon

"we sacrificed our future technology so we could in caves and shrink Earthmen."

The decadence of the Singularity

#monsterdon

see, when you breathe smol oxygen, it makes you smol. that's just science

#monsterdon

Chief export of the planet Rayton appears to be cosmetics.

#monsterdon

Absolutely fabulous explanation for the shrinkage issue that only creates more questions than it answers.

Expect this to be NASA policy when the new administration comes in

#monsterdon

"Why all these explanations?"
"Umm, it's in the script and our viewers won't understand without it."
"Okay, I'll allow it."

#monsterdon

Why are the asteroid people wearing scrubs? Are they all hospital orderlies

#monsterdon

#monsterdon _extremely "I have only read one book and it was Gulliver's Travels" voice_ getting some real Liliputian/Brobdingnagian vibes from this scene where the space dude is being approached by tiny little tunic-clad men

After waking up, Frank mutters that his co-pilot is tragically missing. He then sees that the spaceship is being drawn in by #ThePhantomPlanet and stores a report on his cool cassette tape black box thing.

We see a glowing tractor beam draw his spaceship to a soft landing on the phantom planet, which looks like a calcified potato that was trying to divide by mitosis.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon "Meteors!"

MONSTER ROCKS

(But not, like
_Monolithic_ monster rocks)

I arrived just in time for the “moment of positive” portion of this movie. Now focusing on the good and the beautiful. 🤫 #monsterdon

A ballet dancer who is also an astronaut walks in, and his name is Frank and I guess he's the designated lead. The colonel tells him to go get in his spaceship and go look for the titular phantom planet, which he does and has a philosophical conversation with his co-pilot on how beautiful earth is and how fascinating that is.

#monsterdon #thePhantomPlanet

@lytta I too am dismayed by the lack of giant 80s hair #monsterdon

those asteroids look more like arterial plaque in a Magic School Bush special

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

To continue, we learn that this is 1980, and we see a rocket ship flying through space. We then see the bridge / cockpit / control room, where two right stuff looking astronauts are giving a report and repeating words that I probably learned from Kerbal Space Program.

Anyway, then they see a weird lumpy rock and it starts pulling them toward it, then they crash and probably explode. Which is a pretty good start, and how some of my Kerbal launch attempts end.

#monsterdon #thePhantomPlanet

Some excellent spacecraft interiors in this flick compared to the Catwomen on the Moon one with the wheely office chairs and desks and filing cabinets.

#monsterdon

that ship looks like something i'd find at Toys in Babeland 😏

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

Lots of gendered references to the space patriarchy! Smash the space patriarchy

#monsterdon

Thinking of getting one of these solid marble beds.

Maybe they're comfortable.

#monsterdon

@jsadow @diazona I would watch Frankchapman lose his mind on the Moon

#monsterdon

Is that the origin of the Chicago song? "Only the Beginning"

#Monsterdon

Well, the ending was a little less abrupt than we typically get on a #monsterdon feature!

The #Bechdel test was toast though, right from the start.

#Monsterdon

And so the rescue crew fucks off into space (and presumably the moon)

I'm going to go with "Cool effects, but they probably should have had a story".

#monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

@diazona there are of course many, many unanswered questions that a sequel could answer but Frank Chapman ain't got time for that and is sick of everyone laughing at him and his stories of 'tiny asteroid people'

#monsterdon

And the popcorn fucks off into the distance

#monsterdon

Now she speaks... and we see why they limited her lines

#monsterdon

"Within range of the moon's radar"

I'd complain about how OIR telescopes have vastly better detection ranges, but this movie has been pretty consistent about sensors just not being that good.

#monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

Oh wait, also in the context of bad decision making, I forgot to mention that the fancy necklace guy after the battle was tired and wanted to make the astronaut their next leader... because he's so smart and has a strong jawline I guess.

#Monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

@blogdiva a kinda rapey/kidnappy monster too

#monsterdon

#monsterdon "But I am deeply plagued with regret When I'm forced to destroy."

least sincere expression of contrition EVAR

There is not a single door on this entire planet, is there?

What of the toilets? ffs, nobody needs to see that..

#monsterdon

After seeing our first monster in this #monsterdon, we get a surprise space battle, as some burning poop darts attack Rayton with some lasers that sound like guns.

After a brief poll to verify that fighting the attacking aliens is a Good Idea, the necklace guy goes into space captain mode, with the duel guy on the second control station; both of the control stations look like shelves with broken glasses on them that you wave your hands over.

#ThePhantomPlanet

Something about this monster always makes me think of a big sad dog. #monsterdon

Theremin-controlled gravity

#monsterdon

Frank is taken to see a Solarite... which is a rubber suit monster guy with a giant brain and a horn who is mad at being in jail and is thus throwing rocks at the forcefield jail door. The fancy lady explains that there are many inhabited planets but only the Solarites are enemies of the tiny rock people.

I'm hoping some of those other planets are less dismal than the options we have seen so far.

#Monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

they were honestly kind of ambitious with the effects in this movie

#monsterdon

gosh, I hope the monster doesn't break free and run amok

#monsterdon

the singing crystal cups of space tinyland

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

Okay, so the astronaut prisoner wakes up and the challenger guy is holding a knife to his throat, but the astronaut uses diplomacy and tries to get the challenger guy to help him escape so he can have the talkative fancy girl.

The plan now is for the challenger guy to maneuver the planet to around earth's moon so the astronaut can escape and get back to earth.

#monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

Here in Phantom Planet we live a safe, peaceful life.

Just remember our one rule : If you slightly flirt with a girl, you have to use death sticks to kill the awkward guy who also likes her.

#Monsterdon

Time for the "Earthman shows mercy to teach the barbarians a lesson" move

#monsterdon

I don't want to kill you, I just want to eye fuck you.

#monsterdon

Herron is demonstrating that obnoxious mansplainers are a galaxy-wide phenomenon #ThePhantomPlanet1961 🤦🏻‍♀️ #Monsterdon

"I prefer the one who doesn't talk" said the Earthman

#monsterdon

Gosh, learning so much science!
#monsterdon

In contrast to last week's movie, #thePhantomPlanet features a more realistic looking cockpit and rocket interior but seems to have forgotten that rockets point down... the internal layout is more like that of a car with an airlock chamber in the back. The Cat Women of the Moon movie had less realistic looking set dressing but a slightly more realistic layout.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Good golly, did we learn nothing from Makonnen spinning off into space? Dear boarding party: rig up a reel and a safety tether line already!

Wait a minute - they planet is Rayton and the people are called Raytons? That's a weak demonym.

#monsterdon

But is Zeta a catgirl?

#monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

Frank meets the fancy guy with a necklace and asks to go home. The fancy guy says "nope" and asks if he can help them avoid other spaceships encountering their planet.

We get the backstory of Rayton, which became a dystopia because people had too much free time due to automation and didn't do any work, and so they abandoned most of their advanced technology so they can be virtuously primitive (except for their tractor beams and food factories).

#monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

"Don't worry ladies, enough Frank for you both...."

#monsterdon

"We had machines to do all our work"

Oh, I expect being free of menial chores it made them decadent did it?

Bollocks

#monsterdon

#monsterdon We learn that the #ThePhantomPlanet is called Reyton and the astronaut is found guilty of injuring a native, and sentenced to being a normal citizen on this planet. One of the fancy ladies is the daughters of one of the boss people and explains that he's now small because the planet has a funny atmosphere that makes people small, and this is very scientific.

The astronaut is mad at this and wants to go home.

Types of people at the space trial on #ThePhantomPlanet and their jobs

fancy dude (with necklace) and other fancy dude: preside as co-judges, start explaining things but never finish
fancy ladies in dresses: standing there and looking worried
ladies in dresses: jurors, standing there
dudes in scrubs: other jurors, standing there
prisoner astronaut: defendent, object to this bullshit

#monsterdon

Those ladies have a "fresh meat" look on their faces. That asteroid must be even smaller than it looks. #monsterdon

"Foreigner in nude rampage"

When will we White people learn?

#monsterdon

I mean, not that there's anything wrong with it, I was just expecting a different KIND of SF movie. It's on me, really 🤣 😉

#monsterdon

Is naked wrestling with hospital orderlies on the monsterdon bingo card?

#monsterdon

they paid the chorus girls before their show? that's nice.

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

After our spaceship was tractored in by the evil potato, Frank steps out on the sandy (???) surface, take a few steps, then passes out and hallucinates, having a flashback and then seeing some dudes in non-space clothes (sort of like scrubs, maybe?) shamble toward him and then touch a glass wall.

They then get spooked and run away in terror, and the camera does weird things and makes chittering noises to let us know that this is Scary, then frank passes out again.

#monsterdon #thePhantomPlanet

that asteroid looks like fried chicken. i just ate and am hungry again. am always hungry for friend chicken.

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

#Monsterdon I’m looking forward to a healthy plot to wander by… LOL.

Plots are for movies not in space!!!
#monsterdon

Our damage control team concludes that the fuel lines are broke, but while we are fixing them some tiny meteors zap us. The lead astronaut gets back in okay but passes out, but the co-pilot drifts away, muttering a prayer as he floats away into the distance.

#Monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

I'm not worried, because there is still an hour left in this movie. It doesn't end here.

#monsterdon

Where are the jet packs? We were promised jetpacks! Or, at least, someone really really needs one (sad face)

#monsterdon

#ThePhantomPlanet1961 🚀 #Monsterdon Repairs are going well, I see 💀🪦

Prayer time lol

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Those sliding doors inside the spacecraft are neat and all for visual effect, but I can't help but think that they offer a less efficient use of cabin space than a simple set of hinges. That extra rigidity would especially matter for the sliding door they used to exit the main spacecraft out into the vacuum; you would really, really want the hull to be as strong as possible, not shot through with a void to accommodate a pocket door!

Are the cat women coming up soon?
#monsterdon

Okay, after floating in space for a while, the radio operator ladies at the moon base report that Frank's Wiener Rocket is off course, causing him to report that they're entering a strong magnetic field which messes with their instruments, and then some meteors zoom by them.

We don't see them hit any asteroids, probably because of budget, but from the spaceship shaking I guess some of them hit.

#Monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

Space Popcorn! Lookout!

#monsterdon

"You could go nuts out here waiting for something to happen"

"Nah, it's fine, I just took a nice relaxing poop in my g-suit, you should try it."

"You're the captain!"

#monsterdon

Those head rests look really uncomfortable

#monsterdon

They do like saying 'Azimuth' a lot

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon almost too gay!

"Camera two pan up - too much space junk in the frame!"

#monsterdon

every year i grow more and more convinced that that peyote I took 15 years ago never really cleared my system

#monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

#ThePhantomPlanet starts with a nuclear bomb test, and an announcement that this is several decades in the future (meaning I guess at least the 1980s) and an explanation that the moon is now a launching pad for expeditions into deep space.

To illustrate this, we see some asteroids flying by that look like pointy poops. After that we see a galaxy and some planets that look better. I do like my toy planets.

#monsterdon

I like the cut of this movie's jib, 'let's get out there and penetrate the Universe!'

#monsterdon

@jsadow @amyfou "I told ya, Frank Chapman isn't into that"

But dear Reader, he was....

#monsterdon

@diazona from what I gather it is just parked near the Moon, like an asteroid shouldn't be.

But sure, everyone laugh at Crazy Frankchapman....

#monsterdon

@moira @amyfou "What side are you guys on?"

"Any side!"

#monsterdon

@amyfou I think the reason for the tiny was so that they would be hard to find? And could have a whole tiny space war going on without the humans noticiing? Cuz, you know, if there's a space war, we're probably going to want to get in it.

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon 👨‍🚀 👩‍🚀 🚀 ☄️🪐 😱

Thanks, #Monsterdonians, you all had us in the kind of giggle fits where it's hard to breathe and that's so so so worthwhile!

Thanks to @Taweret for hosting, @cheribaker for bingo and @JoeWynne for the trivia but most of all thanks to all y'all and see you next week I hope!

@jsadow @hollie I think if nothing else we have learned from #Monsterdon that quality of the movie and enjoyability of the viewing experience do not have to be positively correlated

#Monsterdon

But yeah, I could talk about the many ways that movie was bad, but y'know... Sometimes I think the best thing to do is just... Focus your attention on the Good and the Beautif- *gunshots* #Monsterdon

#Monsterdon 👨‍🚀 👩‍🚀 🚀 ☄️🪐 😱

So my question is why did they need to be tinified? Couldn't everything in this plot have worked in exactly the same way if they'd stayed regular sized but the asteroid ppl could control gravity and stuff? I mean except for the shrinking out of/reembiggening into the space suit bit, which didn't actually matter?

Last week's Cat Women of the Moon also weren't at all Cat-like.

I, for one, am outraged by these misleading titles and plot elements!

Ok it was a little unconventional to have two love interests and he ends up with neither, I'll give them that

#Monsterdon

"THE BEGINNING"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *runs away*

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon _above the rear screen display_ "AFT VIEWER" no that is not Aft that is Rayton

Boy, I hope he never loses tiny rock. That would be tragic.

#Monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

"is only the beginning...is only the beginning...is only the beginning..."

Yeah, just checked, no Phantom Planet II.

#monsterdon

(Do not make inflatable sex doll jokes do not make inflatable sex doll jokes do not make inflatable sexdoll jokes)

y'all have I ever told you the one about the inflatable guy in the spacesuit?

#monsterdon

"Another hour and we'll be close enough to the moon for you to be found… of course I don't know if I can hold my arms up that long."

#monsterdon

trauma is so sexy… KITHMI!

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

"I shall be this planet's king, it's for the best"

Ugh, could we White People just not for once?

#monsterdon

I love that it has such a "Who, me?" look at all times
#Monsterdon

She can TALK! Will she and Liara have a conversation about something other than men? Now I've got a reason to watch to the end.

#monsterdon