BREAKING NEWS

a cluster of extra crispy asteroids still has not found their way into my tummy.

more at 11.

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

did voice over guy say this is only the beginning to make it seem like he was an echo?

welp, this is only the beginning of them fucking off into the sea after entering the Earth's atmosphere.

well done team, we did it! thanks to @Taweret@octodon.social and everybody for making this fuckery so much fun.

we got like 4 more sundays of fuckery before the end of the year!

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

Ugh - all these old space movies keep referring to "meteors" in deep space. A meteor is an object in Earth's atmosphere.

I'm starting to suspect that some of these movies are not the documentaries I thought they were.

#monsterdon

Ways to make #ThePhantomPlanet better

* make the solar monsters smarter and more interesting
* make the planet denizens smarter and more interesting
* put more characterization into the characters before trying to set up love triangles. or just don't set up love triangles
* add better reasons for the main character to want to get home and better reasons for the planet people to oppose this.
* add space lesbians. in fact all the characters are lesbians now.

#monsterdon

"You will use this rod, and attempt to push your opponent onto the gravity plate!"

#monsterdon

the myth of healing thru trauma is qwhite American 😒

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

LMAO this movie was totally made by capitalists who hate the thought of having the lessers have too much free time & not work for their living.

geezusfokincrickes

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

the chorus girls' tops and the bosses tunics are made of 4 rectangles of fabric; a simple non-pattern that became very popular during WW2 and the rationing of fabrics. so you can tell the halter dress girls are "special".

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

in these movies, all the generals are men. the highest title for a woman is either tech or scientist.

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

Chapman and Zetha were married in Rio, had seventeen children, and founded a leper colony.

Herron became Master of Ceremonies at the London Sea World.

Liara emigrated to South Africa and became Minister for Justice.

#monsterdon

oxygen doesn't work like that girl

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

The whole asteroid people thing was just a hallucination caused by anoxia from a suit puncture.

#monsterdon

This battle between the KFC nuggets and the flaming marshmallows can only end up creating a new tasty snack.

#monsterdon

Launch the defensive smores!

#monsterdon

ah, the homoerotic wrestling for the bangmaiden with a side show of flaming rocks will soon begin.

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

If this duel doesn't kick off with the Star Trek Fighting Music I shall feel cheated

#monsterdon

they keep sending dudes to find the other dudes who were abducted by the space lillyputians? are they that daft?

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

that monologue by Chapman's chap sounded more like a love letter to him. i bet his into blondes.

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

OMG THAT MINIATURE SET WAS SO PRECIOUS

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

Actual asteroid versus Phantom Planet. Not THAT far off.

#monsterdon

I give #ThePhantomPlanet 2 out of 5 flaming poop dart spaceships. It is the kind of film that makes you want to write movie scripts, because watching it convinces you that you could do a better job.

Some of the elements were interesting... like the weird underground asteroid fighting a space war with sun people, and the sets borrowed from other movies were nice, but, other than that it was kind of a giant shrug. #monsterdon

Anoxia makes a lot more sense than a phantom planet called Rayton. Yay for science!

#monsterdon

WE HAVE A MONSTER #Monsterdon. I REPEAT, WE GOT A REAL MONSTER IN THIS MOVIE.

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

"kill him, kill him…"

Nice girls in this neighbourhood

#monsterdon

Nobody has doors on this planet and I think Frank is about to cross some boundaries

#monsterdon

Looked into the #monsterdon star the blond actor Dean Fredericks who was in a Series called "Steve Canyon."

YTube has one of the TV series episodes (S1E6), and it has some impressive 1950s military aviation footage!

#monsterdon

I was also mildly disappointed that #ThePhantomPlanet was not a literal ghost planet or a planet with ghosts on it. No it had like... Honey I shrunk the Kids people on it with a weird minimalist cave society. #monsterdon

@Taweret@octodon.social Thank YOU for herding the space loofahs & earth Mastodonians! #Monsterdon 🚀 #ThePhantomPlanet1961

#monsterdon "ONLY THE BEGINNING (only the beginning) ((only the beginning))"

AND THAT'S A WRECK

Frank Chapman lost his navigator, the moon base lost two entire ships with their full crew, and Frank has apparently suffered some kind of break from reality because he thinks nobody will believe his subjective narrative of events even though there is directly and indirectly observable evidence. The Zetha/Liara/Frankchapman love triangle remains unresolved. Nobody fucks off into the sea!

Shot, my copy just ended, right at the Beginning!!
#monsterdon

NOOOOOOOOOO good-bye space fried chicken, good-bye!

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

At least he’s got a rock to remember her by #monsterdon

I wish our technology was manipulated by playing the theremin
fuck keyboards

#monsterdon

I mean, in the insane Science of the movie 'Breathing the air from Earth will unshrink you' makes sense

#monsterdon

blondes with blondes, brunettes with bruettes and nobody can leave the place after sundown 🤔

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

What if Coloniser visited an alien culture and DIDN'T try to have sex with the daughter of the local tribal leader?

#monsterdon

recorder no. 2 looks like a Walkman. we're living in the future!

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

OMG this is a space Gulliver's Travel?!?!

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

The astronauts do a quick damage control check and some of their engines were hit by the space rocks, so they decide to do a spacewalk to see what the commotion is, and we get a surprise EVA scene where both astronauts leave the (tiny) ship.

This seems like a bad idea to me to have both astronauts leave, but I am not a space safety expert. They do some repairs, which involve opening a panel and getting sprayed by a fire extinguisher.

#Monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

Pocket Rocket by Toys In Babeland : "the original mini spod"

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

This is my long winded way of saying that the title of "Phantom Planet" is not a misnomer and also they should have made it round and looking like a proper mini-planet and not had it look like popcorn chicken.

#monsterdon

To be fair to Frank, an asteroid where the normal rules of the Universe do not apply does warrant some investigation, even if his tiny rock gets him grounded for psychological evaluation.

#monsterdon

OMG, I just found out there is a band named Phantom Planet. I need the t-shirt.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phantom_Planet

#monsterdon

Weird side thought about #ThePhantomPlanet - we've seen 3-4 almost identical two-person rockets and I have no idea what the sensible mission for them would be. Do they carry cargo? Scientific equipment? Are they like couriers? It seems they'd be ill-suited for either of those roles, being rather small and lacking obvious cargo or passenger bays.

My best guess is that they're like light scouts of some kind, or possibly fighters?

#Monsterdon

I don't think a tiny stone is proof of anything bud....

#monsterdon

i almost banged your bangmaiden. we're now friends 4evah!

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

#monsterdon OK so we're all on the same page that Zetha only likes Frankchapman because he's tall, right?

It's like the kid who was kicked by a mule and couldn't talk, getting kicked by a mule a second time and then, voila!

#monsterdon

This #Monsterdon movie had the quickest monster fight scene, where the monster put the kidnapped girl down, fondled some of the broken glass controls, then ambushed the humanlike people. Eventually they had a fight in the room with the disintegration plates and they pushed the monster onto one of the plates, ending this interlude that could have been interesting.

#ThePhantomPlanet

So the monster escapes and we learn that besides having an external brain, it also has very big shoulders. Because its not big on consent, it sneaks in to the mute girl's room and starts fondling her hair and poking her with its suction cup fingers. She loses consciousness due to terror and the monster carries her off, because what else is a 1950s science fiction monster supposed to do?

#Monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

look, i would be flaming mad too if a giant piece of extra crispy fried chicken floated away from me

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

The fancy girl who is not a mute says that she loves the astronaut, which makes him mad because he thinks she was just waiting to say that to whichever of the shirtless boys won the stupid duel. He then tries to trick the fancy girl into helping him escape the potato planet; we're not sure if it worked, probably not.

#monsterdon #thephantomplanet

Scarlett Johansson wasn't able to be nominated for best actress for her performance in Her, because she doesn't actually appear on screen (she's just a disembodied voice). Meanwhile, Dolores Faith, who plays a mute spacegirl, could be nominated for her smiling at the gay, shirtless astronaut. Make the universe make sense, please.

#monsterdon

Okay, so after a dubiously protestant view of sociology and the effects of automation, that the audience is I guess supposed to find plausible, Frank is immediately offered a wife, because... um... well because. Maybe incels wrote the constitution on this planet and ensured that everyone gets a wife.

He is then given chemically produced breadfruit by the fancy lady, who tells him that his rocket was expelled into space so he can't escape.

#monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

we eat air. smol air

#monsterdon

#monsterdon "We had machines do all our work. People on Rayton became completely free of all labor, practically of all responsibilities. Our people became soft and lazy. They did not know how to cope with their free time."

_eyes roll completely out of my head_

I hate being sentenced to be a free subject of Rayton. Being a free subject of Rayton is the worst.

#monsterdon

Jonathan Swift deserves a royalty check.

#monsterdon

mans are in motorcycle helmets with little oxygen tanks, putting their ass on the hole to stop a leak… in the middle of a meteorite shower.

also notice how American capitalist bastards really have been always into shortchanging the working classes by not giving them enough backup support.

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

Surprised they don't pop their visors and have a smoke.

#monsterdon

"Hey don't rub it in!"

cuz hi means out 😏

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

Don't anybody explain where the gravity comes from or how radio seems to move faster than light

#monsterdon

so they had their pillows sewn on their sleeves? that seems handy.

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

what the hell is coming out from Chapman's trunks cuz that ain't an elephant.

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

#monsterdon "A phantom planet, Lansfield? Aren't you a little old to believe that?"

THERE IT IS, THEY SAID THE NAME OF THE MOVIE IN THE MOVIE

*sets off seismic charges*
*lights off roman candles*
*opens the kitchen window and bangs a pot with a disused potato*

@bunnyhero after just hosting # BaroqueSun, I am wiped -- so I'm watching #ThePhantomPlanet1961 but lurking during #Monsterdon

And was that Richard Kiel's name in the credits?!

this concludes my #monsterdon thread for #ThePhantomPlanet !

Thanks to @Taweret@octodon.social for hosting and for all the other monsterdonians for participation, because teamwork makes the dreamwork! (the dream being watching old monster movies)

Well that was... anticlimactic

#monsterdon

And the spacemen fuck off into the space ocean?

#monsterdon

So we get back to the spaceship and everyone thinks we were hallucinating, but we still have the pretty rock the tiny formerly mute girl gave us. Anyway, we rocket away from #ThePhantomPlanet, frank convinced that no one would ever believe him, because the story he would tell is too bad of a movie to be believed.

The credits then tell us that this story is "ONLY THE BEGINNING". Thanks, credits.

#monsterdon

Love how these other pilots are gaslighting Chapman

#monsterdon

The moonbase detects #ThePhantomPlanet and sends another rocket to investigate. Frank climbs into his suit and reflates to normal size; this is all very scientific. He tries to relay his story to another astronaut, who probably correctly thinks he's hallucinating.

#monsterdon

@paco Love overcomes all! 🙄

#monsterdon

This dilemma was resolved very quickly as we've decided the astronaut is going, and so the formerly mute girl gives him a good luck charm because she's sad her potential boy toy is leaving. The challenger guy whose name I forgot exchanges a handshake with the astronaut instead, because this movie is not nearly gay enough for him to also give the astronaut a token of affection.

#Monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

Yes, Zetha, I'll keep the rock forever. Then again, I'll be 100x bigger then, and your lucky-charm rock will be the size of a grain of salt… but I'll cherish it."

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Anyone taking bets on whether Zetha's little good luck charm will expand to human-proportional size along with Frankchapman as soon as it is exposed to _checks notes_ oxygen?

Quoth @k8eb: "friends, eh? I still question his motives about waking him up with that knife."

loving the 'reinflation' effect

It was all a radiation induced fever dream, Chapman has a week to live.

#monsterdon

@allanb that's just how Biology works. this movie is incredible #monsterdon

During the monster fight, the mute girl screamed; now she explained to the astronaut that this cured her muteness somehow and she is in love with the astronaut, so they kiss. Now I guess we have a dilemma with if he goes back to earth or stays on #ThePhantomPlanet, a dilemma I am deeply not invested in.

#Monsterdon

Oh she can talk now?

Suddenly Chapman isn't so interested

"I have many things to tell you....

"What's that darling? I've just got to pop out...

#monsterdon

Pretty sure if I was writing the role of monster in #ThePhantomPlanet I wouldn't have it kidnap the girl but instead have it act like a rational sentient creature and focus on trying to escape the planet or steal the gravity drive... both goals that would make more sense in the context of the film.

#Monsterdon

the solarite looks like right out of a Parliament Funkadelic fever dream. Pfunk monster against the carcereal regime

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight

why does this movie keep making me think of seventies songs?

Like, Tiny Alien keeps going through my head to the tune of Tiny Dancer

#monsterdon

The plot thickens and the tiny potato planet reports that it is under attack from the Solarities, another intelligence from a "sun satellite" that want to take over the popcorn chicken planet to steal their gravity control device. We are told that we have to stop them or else they will attack earth. I guess they are attacking with spaceships or missiles that look like glowing dart things.

#Monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

According to IMDB, Richard Kiel is under that Solarite/space mouse costume
#ThePhantomPlanet1961 🙄 #Monsterdon

are you my mommy?

#Monsterdon
#ThePhantomPlanet

To be fair, most people of Earth would sell out the ruling hegemony to Aliens, wouldn't we?

#monsterdon

Okay, so the space duel involves the two contenders getting shirtless and picking up a long rod. They then play reverse tug of war and try to shove the other into a disintegrating plate that will kill whoever steps over it.

This is described as a "test of bravery", which I guess on this planet means "test of muscles". Because he's the designated hero, Frank wins but refuses to kill his challenger, demonstrating the advanced trait of mercy to the Metrons.

#monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

#monsterdon Gonna tell my grandkids this was dune

#Monsterdon we could have giant spiders too. That would be our thing. LOL.

I do appreciate that when Frank is told to do stupid shit on this dumb planet he first asks what the stupid shit is. I also appreciate that the planet natives at least explain what some of the stupid shit is, even if the answers are stupid or don't make sense.

#Monsterdon #ThePhantomPlanet

"How do we go about it?"

"First you have to take off your shirts"

#monsterdon

lol, man just hurls himself across the depths of Space without so much as a tether....

#monsterdon

"We made this food chemically, for you"

This movie is just going to flat out refuse to pass the Bechdel test, isn't it?

#monsterdon

Asteroid pimping

#monsterdon

see, when you breathe smol oxygen, it makes you smol. that's just science

#monsterdon

Chief export of the planet Rayton appears to be cosmetics.

#monsterdon

Absolutely fabulous explanation for the shrinkage issue that only creates more questions than it answers.

Expect this to be NASA policy when the new administration comes in

#monsterdon

"Why all these explanations?"
"Umm, it's in the script and our viewers won't understand without it."
"Okay, I'll allow it."

#monsterdon

#monsterdon _extremely "I have only read one book and it was Gulliver's Travels" voice_ getting some real Liliputian/Brobdingnagian vibes from this scene where the space dude is being approached by tiny little tunic-clad men