Okay, so after the SUSPICIOUS GLOWING BEAM explodes I think it deposits a motorcycle helmet guy who runs into the woods and might be an alien. Maybe that's wrong, I'm so confused by this movie; I might have merged or split several characters by mistake.
How is that man keeping two women on the go dressed like that, jfc.....
Where does double secret probation fall on this list? Or is that classified?
The sheriff has this covered. Itβll be fine. #monsterdon
Okay, so after a bloopy introduction vehicle, this #monsterdon movie lets us know that its not fucking around by introducing a whole bunch of characters in the first minute. These characters include...
* Sheriff Rotund
* 20-something teenage boy in Amazing Horse Shirt
* his girlfriend, named "Terry"
* Terry's, the alcoholic milf
* Horny Beard Guy (I think the husband?)
* Helpful, Medically Conscious Harlot
* Hellfire preacher man
Did the drunk mom just make a pass at the boy?
Maybe you should be locking up these White Nationalist Preachers? Had you thought about that America?
"no the law does not apply to preachers" wait what? #monsterdon
Is it me or is everyone's eyes really blue? Is this Dune?
Uh-oh, terrifying American cults!
#monsterdon And here we go! The foreplates are very 1975. This is wild, this movie is as old as I am!
@RolloTreadway @gerrymcgovern
At first, I thought this was related to tonight's #monsterdon. Sadly, it's about reality
@diazona @Brookside they attacked the mini black hole with some sort of dinky missile, it imploded in the vein of some footage of smoke coming out of a hole was played backwards, and closing the black hole meant the extradimensional giant spider was no longer tethered to life and so it melted into grey ooze.
@diazona it was quite the Lars Von Trier view of Humanity, they were dead souls in walking bodies
#monsterdon
@Zerofactorial @ramsey @Cherizilla excellent #monsterdon
@ramsey @Cherizilla #monsterdon is distorting Tubi's algorithm
@Newpa_Hasai @justabean I'd prefer to think that being thrown into that town is God's punishment to the spiders
Kind of makes you wonder what they did to deserve it though
#TheGiantSpiderInvasion1975 might be the most unpleasant film I've seen yet for #monsterdon. It feels like an anti-human film, made with contempt for its characters and its audience. It's an assault on the senses and good taste. The spiders were lovely, though
@SordidAmok I think the writers used the preacher to advance their morally bankrupt view of humanity.
Well, I don't know about you, but I was entertained...by the background objects.
#Monsterdon #TheGiantSpiderInvasion1975 welp! i'd say 3/5 stars:
stars:
1) there *was* an invasion by a giant spider
2) the spider killed the worst humans
3) barbara hale
no stars:
4) no resolution of the diamonds subplot
5) negative point for creepy dudes even though they died horrible deaths :D
good watch, all!
have fun and recharge for next week everybody <3
big thanks to @Taweret for organizing as always!!
it seems like you would just want to not attract attention to the portal at all, and send no spiders along, and then just spill through as a huge spider flood once the portal opens all at once. #monsterdon
#Monsterdon #TheGiantSpiderInvasion1975 if i were fighting a giant spider i would simply remain out of melee range
#monsterdon Thank you @Taweret@octodon.social for a blast. Lots of cast eaten, spiders full of pudding. Firing on all cylinders!
At the time he made this movie, Alan Hale was busy operating Alan Hale's Lobster Barrel, a seafood restaurant in Los Angeles. The menu played rather heavily on his status as The Skipper. He later opened "Alan Hale's Quality and Leisure Travel office" which was, you guessed it, a travel company. Wonder whether he offered three hour tours?
Hey yet another #monsterdon that ends with WELL THAT WAS BULLSHIT
So the carnage scenes in #TheGiantSpiderInvasion are kind of a more brutal mirror image of the panicked evacuation scenes in the godzilla movies. They mostly happen when crowds of NPCs fail to get away from the spider or fight the spider with puny guns and lose.
the giant spider is actually rather cute, I like its eyes
![[empty]](/media/avatars/287224a269fbaefbc7e94920b207f9dca8b6e0415d818373c9f1528359b6a0e8.jpg){kind=small}
I'll whip it with my utility belt
lol, the fuck did the spider geodes get in a locked briefcase!
Aa! Aaa? Aaaa!? Aa? A? #Monsterdon
The rotund Sheriff drives up to one of these mobs and tries to convince them that they don't need to be a spontaneous community defense initiative because they have a guy from Nasa who is going to kill it with Science, rather than gunpowder.
They ignore him, which might be a mistake but also makes sense for them to do given the context, and go to fight the spider, which proceeds to kick their ass with its giant puppet arms.
#monsterdon Thank god the Ambulance-Hearse has arrived. Pick up the wounded. Oops, their dead. Whatever, it's a hearse too.
The spider hole isn't quite the gravitational vortex I'd expected...
Oh, they found Evie then.
#monsterdon Come into the dark steaming hole Vance. You know, like you want. Deep down. Come down to us Vance. We're hungry. Fall into our hole, VANCE!
#monsterdon #thegiantspiderinvasion
Wait?! This director thinks this is an arthouse film! Wow!
Gleason Days rules!
DADDY I want to ride the SPIDER ride!
#monsterdon #TheGiantSpiderInvasion #α½ΒΊα½Θ βΏ Εα½ΒΊαΏ
Oh excellent lots of blond children at a fairground, prime monster feeding territory!
Okay, so the scientists conclude that the glowing thing hitting the earth was a black hole, and the black hole made the spider gigantic. By mixing witchcraft with star trek logic, they decide that if they find the black hole and shoot a bunch of neutrons at it it might defeat the spider and order a giant neutron beam to be shipped to Wisconsin.
So, there's a preacher, and a doorway to hell. Obvious solution.
It's like an adventure game puzzle. Use the preacher on the doorway.
#monsterdon #thegiantspiderinvasion
βItβs these cans! The spider hates these cans!β
#monsterdon This movie is just going to gloss over the square-cube law and why joints like the ones of those big flailing legs would just be completely unable to support the weight of a spider with a body the size of that thing?
"We've got a fifty foot spider out there." SHAKESPEARE WEPT
Gravity came to the rescue #monsterdon
#monsterdon Spiders hate that wall, and those cabinets! AWFUL! Lets get some demo done! We're going to redecorate!
I think I was wrong on the age of the people; I thought Terry was like a teenager played by a 20-something but I guess she's 35, and I'm guessing the boy in the horse shirt is maybe similarly aged, or maybe a bit younger, instead of a teenager?
genuinely upset she squished the spider with an iron, it was just curious about this world....and it's sex crimes....
to punish him for being a creep, the jewelry store guy is then attacked by a giant spider as he tries to drive away. He escapes it, but is surprised by a regular large spider and crashes his car into a gas station, which catches on fire and then explodes.
#monsterdon Mulder, are you sure it wasn't a girly scream?
I *really* don't know how to feel about the women in this movie.
Wait... she's his *cousin*???
My head is exploding.
Yes yes yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
a black hole, in its capacity as an infinite warp in space, causes a warp in space
yes, this is science
"Space warp all right"
"What's a space warp"
"Well dave.....'fuck you' is what that is, now get out"
black holes do not work like that
@SesameSquirrel and thereβs no way this movieβs going to get smarter
#monsterdon
Just stop it with the incest plot, please. We get enough of this in Politics and Celebrity news...
This movie is killing me LOL
@Lazarou I was hoping for some karmic payback first, since her husband is disgusting #Monsterdon π· #GiantSpiderInvasion
come on, space spiders, where ARE you?? we NEED you right now
I really hate hate hate the Terry ogling #monsterdon
@RufusJCooter The regular ones STILL have more screen presence
The giant puppet they used to kill off Ev was hilarious though #Monsterdon π· #GiantSpiderInvasion
I hope the spiders burn that house down
Spiders get these two please
both of you need to die in pain
Don't get me wrong, they all deserve to die, but lush woman shouldn't've been first. Farmer Man should've gone first.
#monsterdon #TheGiantSpiderInvasion #α½ΒΊα½Θ βΏ Εα½ΒΊαΏ
@Sorl It's so she can play pinball.
π΅ HERE WE GO, SPI-DERS, HERE WE GO! π΅
π΅ HERE WE GO, SPI-DERS, HERE WE GO! π΅
π΅ HERE WE GO, SPI-DERS, HERE WE GO! π΅
#monsterdon "I found another body." "Another cow?" "A human body."
o god, if the previous plan was to butcher and sell off the chewed-up cattle, is this movie now about to turn into a rendition of Sweeney Todd?
...that could only be an improvement. These characters are all so unlikable that I'll be rooting for the spiders soon, and (don't tell Nev) I can't stand spiders.
I know the spiders hatching out of the geodes are supposed to be frightening but i'm just finding them cute, and I hope they utilise the farmer's body as best they can. Maybe make a little spider city out of his husk?
I'm pretty sure that the sheriff is corrupt enough that you can just cut a deal with him
Update, I guess the motorcycle guy was knocked off of his motorcycle and is not actually an alien. Also, he is dead now; the dad finds his body in a hole and buries him in a way that is Not Suspicious At All.
I dunno why he doesn't just report finding a dead body to the cops. I mean, I don't like the cops but if I found a mysterious dismembered corpse... someone other than me needs to know that? Like, at least tell the cops so you don't get in trouble?
Quit playing around and drink your spider juice!
Now that they HAVE appeared onscreen, the spiders have the most screen presence BY FAR of this cast #Monsterdon π· #GiantSpiderInvasion https://mastodon.social/@LK_877/113660099414660844
Spiders don't like mimes
(chanting) here we go, spi-ders, here we go! here we go, spi-ders, here we go!
"ya hittin' the booze again, huh?"
but she's been so subtle about it, as has the director /s
lol @ massive piece of character exposition delivered casually
"..since the baby died"
Very much in the same category as "i definitely have cancer" from The Room
Are Lady Scientist and Sheriff going to get on? Was everyone this horny in the 70s?
#monsterdon The first spider and all I can do is go D'aawwwww
This isn't the porn version of Gilligan's Island, is it? #monsterdon
#monsterdon Watch as hillbillies discover the Mohs Scale of Hardness. You'll get there, if you don't go smushy first. Where's the lesions, the sterility, the leprosy-like body parts just kind of plopping off as you trudge.
If that was the entry point of the Black hole and it's supposed to be wildly radioactive then these characters are as fucked as Chernobyl firefighters...
*scene of Farmer sawing into weird alien object
oh yeah, these people are dead.
Joining late. I hope I can understand the plot.
@apLundell Why do they need the slide rule? They've got an honest to god Olivetti Logos 270 electronic calculator! Gather round folks for this marvel. It uses actual integrated circuits! The age of the calculator has begun!
spi-DER spi-DER spi-DER spi-DER
#monsterdon #TheGiantSpiderInvasion #α½ΒΊα½Θ βΏ Εα½ΒΊαΏ
Okay, so we learned that the glowing bolt caused a lot of radiation, and the science masters are trying to figure out where it landed at.
The dad and I think the milfy mom might have found it in a pasture by accident... which they are wandering around and finding scattered bloody cow parts everywhere. These are the family's cows, because this is Wisconsin, whose economy centers around turning cow juice into cheese curds, so exploded cows are a Problem.
#monsterdon The problem with your science is you have a vagina. Are you sure you don't have a dildo anywhere, maybe stick it to your forehead, that way we can talk more clearly?
Finally! Dr. Jenny Lang (Barbara Hale) is in daylight! with no obstructions #Monsterdon π· #GiantSpiderInvasion https://mastodon.social/@SesameSquirrel/113660084500091358
#TheGiantSpiderInvasion has me very confused as to what plot thread to follow. We got another surprise section where the phone scientist lady was teaching some kids about the big bang in a planetarium, which I guess is her intro. Anyway, the astrophysicist guy appeared to meet her and was surprised that she was a girl instead of a boy.
After the casual sexism, they go for a walk and the astrophysicst talks about how much he likes plants. #monsterdon
Spiders better start killing some of these assholes
#monsterdon #thegiantspiderinvasion
a WOMAN scientist?!?!?!?!?! *eye roll*
The nearest white dwarf to us is Sirius B....
She's right about the space stuff, white dwarves are mental, but it gets far weirder after that
These smash cuts are so jarring... π΅βπ« #monsterdon
@overholt I understand this means nuclear waste is buried nearby, and it makes lovely jewellery
Okay we get a cut to a space center with a Saturn V rocket and some new characters drop, including the science phone lady, the astrophysicist who talks to plants, and a tie guy who is telling him about the suspicious things happening in wisconsin now (mostly that a giant glowing beam hit it and explode).
This makes the astrophysicist noticeably concerned and so he is going to wisconsin on the Astrophysics Express to investigate.
So writer really liked "little buddy."
#monsterdon He's going to unzip his pants and give plants even more attention. As I said, 1975 was really heavy in the sexual revolution. Poor plants.
WHY YOU BLOCK Barbara Hale with a LAMP, director?! π€¦π»ββοΈ #Monsterdon π· #GiantSpiderInvasion
Wow I started on the #TeamSpiders thing sarcastically but now they really should win. #monsterdon
#monsterdon Is that sweatervest-sporting hunk of a moustache model watering a spider plant