I waited all movie for the star of Solarbabies to show up, so disappointed #Monsterdon #Solarbabies

The entire 1980s prepared me to live in a partly buried rusted-out abandoned warehouse if necessary. I'm ready for 2026.

#Monsterdon

the best thing about #monsterdon is still that I made everyone watch the critters movies

Okay, the writing was terrible, but the vibes? IMMACULATE. Perfect aesthetics, no notes. And a proper fucking off into the magically-restored sea.

Might have to check out that skating rink near my house now.

Goodnight, #monsterdon! Give a bow of thanks to @Taweret for hosting and see y'all next week!

We dedicated our lives to worshipping the great god BeeGees. You can tell by the way I use my walk...

#monsterdon

NO, MISTER ORB, I EXPECT YOU TO DIE #Monsterdon

FOR THE CHITLINS WATCHING
in-line skates were the height of sports technology. they were the e-bikes of their time.

also, i don't know where this was shot, but 1986 was the height of skating panic in USA, with many towns outlawing skaters and skateboarders from everywhere, not just streets or parks.

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies

What is best in life grid? To crush some random people camping in the desert, see them drive before you, and hear the lamentations of their owls

#monsterdon

Okay but when I was a teenager I'd legit fantasize about an apocalyptic scenario that would leave the interstates empty and free for me to rollerblade down them.

#monsterdon #SolarBabies

Variety magazine called it "One of the top five must-see roller-skating, pole-vaulting, Mad Max rip-offs of the season!"

People magazine said "If you see one movie about roller skating through the wastelands of a dystopian future this summer, it should be this one!"

Siskel and Ebert said "Get your skates on and prepare for some road rash!"

#monsterdon

The best character in #Solarbabies is the future dystopian desert society, which includes the fascist rollerblade army and its opposition, the ninja amerindian fremen hidden elf village. It also includes a tire-fueled industrial revolution and almost as many shirtless men as a Lil Nas X video.

The worst character in this movie is... um... I would say the Evil Son, because he's a vanilla asshole, but he was good in that role, so... um... I'll go with the illusory bugs.

#monsterdon

So Bodhi is, like, a waterbending ball? That visits Earth just to free the water?

Keep that thing's number, we're gonna need it.

#Monsterdon

"bodhi never calls anymore"
hate getting ghosted by an orb

#monsterdon

it’s an orbgy

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies

"Dryland is a myth"

ask Ben Shapiro's wife though...

#Monsterdon

I give #Solarbabies 5 out of 5 mysterious glowing orbs. It loses 2 points because it makes no sense, but gains at least 7 points for being weird as fuck.

This movie has roller derby battles, a fascist bumper car / rollerblade army, a torture robot whose job is to pick his favorite drill bit, and a postapocalyptic tribe whose headquarters is an amusement park, among other genius and baffling inclusions. Production values were inexplicably high.

#monsterdon

The actor who played Grock looks surprisingly like Peter Lorre

#monsterdon

"Where did it come from?"
Where did it go?
Where did you come from, Solarbaby Joe?

#monsterdon

actual footage from the bottom of the canyon:

#monsterdon

look i am old enough to tell you:

roller skating rinks were THE BOMB and y'all are missing out.

but they were NOT like this thank fuck

#monsterdon

"I too must serve the system."

Oh good, this is gonna be an upbeat flick. #Monsterdon

I'll leave it to the folks who watched #Solarbabies tonight. Is this assessment correct?

#monsterdon

"Skate lights by: Mag-Lite, Ontario, California"

NOTED

"Filmed entirely on location in Spain" WAT (Oh also I think congratulations are in order to Spain for some other thing today also involving magical spheres)

#monsterdon

the sea fucked off into the wasteland
the orb fucked off into space

the movie ended the only way it could have: kinda abruptly and in a way that provides no satisfaction

#Monsterdon

i cant believe Total Recall basically copied part of the plot of this movie down to the rewilding of the planet

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies

This is every Saturday Morning Cartoon action sequence from the 1980s. #Monsterdon

I'm sure this movie would be more comprehensible if the scenes connected to each other in any way

#Monsterdon

"Catch your breath before you betray your putrid thinking" is a pretty tight line I do like that

#Monsterdon

"I know writers who use subtext, and they're all cowards"

#Monsterdon

OMG THE MUSIC it’s pure “yo! we got one of dem synthesizers”

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies

OMG – we were all the solar babies all along!

#monsterdon

OMG that’s Smoky Robinson?!?!? the 1980s were harsh for 1950s stars.

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies

#monsterdon "Love Will Set You Free (Theme from Solarbabies) by Smokey Robinson" WHAT

Solarbabies (1986) - 3/5 on the half conscious scale

not good enough to be bad, not bad enough to be good. points given mainly for the large number of cool looking things in the movie since that is the level my brain can operate at rn

#Monsterdon #monsterdonReviews

And as the orb fucks off having accomplished exactly nothing, the cast forms a circle and also a class action lawsuit against their agents #Monsterdon #Solarbabies

hey everybody's fucking off into the sea! we have a traditional ending!

#monsterdon #SolarBabies

🦖 MONSTERDON 🎞️

⁉️ TRIVIA THAT BURNS ☀️👶

REVIEWS!!
"You can't expect any cast, no matter how committed, to sell a movie that--apparently--can't decide what it's about. The actors must be given a solid storyline to work with and build on, which neither this film nor its producers have done.

- Roger Ebert

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies

THUNDER
THUNDER
THUNDER
THUNDER BRATS
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

#monsterdon

and the sea is fucking off into the wasteland, so the end is nigh

#Monsterdon

That's the most complicated Dalek I've ever seen. #Monsterdon

Oh what woman can resist the siren call of C'MOOOOOON #Monsterdon

"WATER! It's water!" jumps right in

Noooo that's our drinking water!!!

#monsterdon

"This magnetron can create a magnetic field comparable to that of the Earth. It can move a small needle."

#Monsterdon

"Longinus"? Are we in Evangelion now?

#Monsterdon

don't forget to extend the antenna on your radiation detector

#Monsterdon

all anybody really wants is to achieve a good life-grid

#Monsterdon

@GeoffWozniak

No, that is the Evil Loc-Nar from "Heavy Metal." This is Bo-Dai, Loc-Nar's Good Twin.

#Monsterdon
#SolarBabies

Lucas Haas will forever be the little Amish boy from Witness and nobody else

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies

I already love how this entire society is built around rollerblading, like infrastructure and everything!

#Monsterdon

🦖MONSTERDON Goodbye!

What a mess! If it wasn't for all you in the Real-Time Film Analysis Squad with your extensive cogent commentary, I would have been disorbiented!

❤️ And thank you @Taweret for hosting tonight's scandalous solar scifi. Hope springs eternal for our next screening.

🅱️ and thanks @cherizilla for the generic Bingo card!

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies

Filmed entirely on location in Spain?

So you're saying they won the World Cup on the 40th anniversary of this cinematic achievement?

#monsterdon

They had to shoot this movie in two countries???

#monsterdon

lol, do any of them know how to swim?

where did the beach come from?

Classic "Fucking off into the Sea" ending though

#Monsterdon

Eh. Ending theme's no Zarkorr!, that's for sure. #Monsterdon

the moral of the story seems to be to follow the advice of an orb and go blow up a dam #monsterdon

seeing Shoulderpads Karen burn was satisfying

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies

Oh that was a bonk. Definitively a bonk. #Monsterdon

Yellow Alert, rollerskaters in the lab #Monsterdon

There's a timeline where this movie is pogo sticks instead of roller skates....

#Monsterdon

the sphere is emboweled?

#Monsterdon

This is where I live! She says a mere 18 hours later.

#Monsterdon

"Bodhi ... he showed me something."

cough, cough.

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies1986

Jokes on you… it’s piss!

#monsterdon #solarbabies1986

It’s just… so… so… stupid

#monsterdon #solarbabies1986

Oh yes, make sure you AAALL get into the LOCKABLE ROOM

-_-;

#Monsterdon

You can tell the US totally collapsed in this dystopian future, because they're all using the metric system.

#monsterdon

Maybe the real ecowarriors were the friends we already knew before the movie started

#monsterdon

the director's barely concealed fetish.jpg

#Monsterdon

THIS RENFAIRE IS CLOSED!

#monsterdon #SolarBabies

Whoops, we ran into the wax museum from that other movie we watched #Monsterdon

How…
How did anyone involved with this script think it was gonna work?

I mean, I don't hate this. It's silly and not good, but I'm having fun. I just don't see how this got greenlit.

In the mid 80s. To be released alongside Ferris Beuller and Top Gun.

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies1986

Was this movie made into a video game they had to bury in the desert?

#Monsterdon

Bodi is a benign Vorlon trapped in an orb, change my mind.

evidence:
he glows
he speaks in musical notes.
he can fly
he gives people visions to encourage them to seek enlightenment and also move the plot along.

#monsterdon #SolarBabies

Yeah, you're not the first teen embarrassed to be caught with his hands on a sphere, HEYOOOO #Monsterdon

Hey guys, I gotta go, I’ve been called to synergic dedication. #Monsterdon

FOOD AND DRINKS ARE PROVIDED

WORK IS EVERYBODY'S FREEDOM

WE ARE VERY WELL TODAY, THANK YOU

yeah Warrior of the Lost World did it better :P

#Monsterdon

In this dystopian Future the USA finally uses metric though...all it took was the end of the world...

#Monsterdon

...Doug Ford?

#monsterdon

RE: https://twit.social/@jammerb/116949645889484909

how is solarbabby formed?

#Monsterdon

You have the e-right to remain e-silent

#monsterdon #solarbabies1986

[crowd chanting] ORB. ORB. ORB. #Monsterdon

costner is the least fun kevin #monsterdon

They say Kevin Costner drank 70 litres of piss in training for this movie,....for every movie...

#Monsterdon

Thank Goodness that’s over! I have many questions, but mainly, what did the word “solar” have to do with this film? Seems like it should have been called “Roller Babies.”
#monsterdon

none of you are free of something something

#monsterdon #SolarBabies

And so they all fucked off into a wetter future. Or maybe they fucked off to Lake Okoboji?

Whichever way they fucked off, they certainly fucked off.

That was fun, fam. I mean, it was awful, but in a really fun, very 80s way that was kinda charming. Except when they killed the owl. Fuck that scene.

Anyway, the Owlbear is done. Take care of each other. Be kind, spread love, follow strange spheres into the desert.

Goodnight!

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies1986

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies1986

The symbolic and literal dam of the water-hoarding fascists collapses and releases its stolen wealth back into a parched land; the sentient glowing volleyball somehow both leaves the planet in triumph and stays in the glowing hearts of the Solarbabies now overlooking their arid world made fresh and whole again. Presumably all the disheartened villains fuck off into the water reservoir, or retire to become alpaca farmers or whatever

SILLY NONSENSE

Thank you for hosting, @Taweret !

#monsterdon

did we ever find out why they call themselves solarbabies or

#monsterdon

Welp, they were never solar nor babies, but I had a good time, and I hope y'all did too

I hope to see y'all next week for more #monsterdon !

Big thanks to our host @Taweret and to helpers @JoeWynne , @cherizilla , @miru and all of you who joined!

i'mma go pass out now

HIS NAME WAS *GROCK*!??? #Monsterdon

He'll always be with us... he'll be the sparkle in my hair gel

-Terra, probably

#monsterdon

OKAY SO NOW THE BALL CAN TRANSUBSTANTIATE???
#monsterdon

that robot looks like GlaDOS and the robot from Lost In Space had a baby

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies

WARNING

THE CHILDREN HAVE WON

EXPLODING ENTIRE AREA

🚨

#Monsterdon

“It’s ORB-ing time!”

#monsterdon #solarbabies1986

I haven't seen a ball tortured this much since Casino Royale.
#monsterdon

THE AQUABUNKER

#Monsterdon #Solarbabies

Pole vaulting with roller skates is kinda rad, actually

#monsterdon

Oh good, make sure you arrive in FULL VIEW OF THE ENEMY and STOP RIGHT WHERE THEY CAN SEE YOU #Monsterdon

[orb_pain.wav]

#Monsterdon