so sorry i missed #Monsterdon, but forgot it was THING2βs birthday. my incognegro Dragonbaby turned a quarter of a century old today. he had some sushi and hot sake with his momma. happy bday T2!
There was nothing redeeming about Laserblast, which makes it an excellent Monsterdon movie!
Thanks @Taweret for hosting, @Cherizilla for #MonsterdonBingo, and everyone else for making it fun!
That's weird: that same beam weapon just used by the clayliens reduced the nameless antagonist in the intro sequence into a charred grease stain, but when aimed at Billy it leaves him visibly unmarked but lifeless, and obviously also shirtless
WAIT WHAT?! CREDITS??
AND FUCK THIS MAILBOX SPECIFICALLY
"Hey dipshits, you forgot the weapon of mass destruction. Head back to the loser planet and pick it up, what do I even pay you people for?"
I'm kind of mad I voted for that movie.
T'was turtle killed the beast.
See, the problem here is that this scene -- indeed, EVERY scene in this movie! -- would be vastly improved by claymation turtlefolk.
Billy did not learn to use empathy with his issues, did he?
And that's a wreck!
The Colonel and his backstory with Craig mean nothing at all, we learn nothing about the necklace or the laser gun that mutated and then ended Billy, Kathy has no more lines, and the clayliens fuck off into... I don't know, the sea, or space, or the parking lot or something.
Thank you for hosting, @Taweret! Thank you for the bingo card, @Cherizilla! Darn you to heck, @mwl !
This was a reaaaal stinker
"Do you mind showing us?"
"Of course not!"
Any excuse to remove that hateful upper body garment, apparently. Our man Billy hates a shirt.
The subtitles in that scene spelled "lightning" as "lightening" on every utterance and I feel like that is a microcosm for many aspects of this film experience here tonight.
#Monsterdon Weβve got angry confused military man versus Prince Valium. Thatβs his name now. Prince Valium. Billy. And Grandpa seems broken.
Does she run drugs to Acapulco?
Is she on the Fentanyl Highway?
@srol a tale as old as Gilgamesh #Monsterdon
I firmly believe in the same sort as "the only way to win is not to play" the only way to truly enjoy Laserblast is to not watch it at all and just hang out on fedi while #Monsterdon roast the crap out of it.
They're having some scale issues with the aliens suddenly.
Billy!! You can't just blow up mailboxes! People's mail is in there! That's a federal crime, and it's RUDE
I'm assuming this film was intended to put a spotlight on the dire consequences of the laser fad of the 1970s. Like Reefer Madness, but for laserblasting.
C'mon turtlefolk, end this film. I believe in you.
Sure, I'll have an entire bottle of scotch. Might make the movie go down smoother.
Laserblast the deputies, Billy. I'll give you a nickel.
"And then we stage an extended sequence where our hero has a boil lanced!"
"Are you sure, sir, that seems kind of--"
"Trust me, kid, zit popping scenes are all the rage in Hollywood today!"
This was before the Men in Black had settled on branding. At this stage they were workshopping "Men in Brown," y'know.
*Billy blows up a car with his alien-bestowed arm cannon*
Oh! No, shirt-wearing is not his character growth arc after all: it's about how Billy learns to address the problems in his life with incendiary violence! Welp, live and learn.
MEANWHILE IN A VASTLY MORE INTERESTING MOVIE
Ugh, someone get this guy a laser gun to move the plot along.
The main lead's acting ability is pushing me through several dimensions of pain all at once
These shell-less turtle stop motion aliens are spectacular. And the subtitles describe their vocalizations as "(quacking)". Strong opener! Let's see how the rest of this shapes up!
The Shadow of the Cat (1961) is on the Internet Archive
βA house cat sees her owner murdered and becomes ferociously bent on revenge.β
So trying to figure out what I just saw, I guess the laserblaster is like the #LOTR ring thing, and Billy went straight into Smeagol/Gollum mode without wasting our time with hobbits and wizards or quests or any sense of a plot at all.
With a bit less time following cars driving around and the pool frolicking this could've been a half-hour movie.
Also what is up with directors of 70s films just casually throwing rape scenes into their movies? Bleugh.
@jsadow he made his choices, some of us can resist sticking our arms into tubes we find in the desert! #Monsterdon
you were better off without Billy anyway girl
lol, @ aliens just ending it and walking away
OK we have just given up on coherence at this point and are working through the dregs of the special effects budget
*Billy jumps aboard the van of a clueless hippie apparently happy to pick up hitchhikers*
Wait, now Billy isn't green anymore? What is going on here? Are his teeth un-sharpened now?
*Billy leans out the van window and blows up a Star Wars roadside sign, which seems to trigger him turning green and pointy-toothed again; he then murders the hippie driver by aiming a five-foot arm mounted gun at him from the passenger seat, in a far less flammable way than previously*
I just,,,
GET EVERY SECOND OF THAT CAR
EVERY SECOND
At some point in this movie it would be great if something resembling a plot kicked in, but with 19 minutes left I'm not holding my breath.
What do we want!
Aliens! Aliens! Aliens!
#monsterdon
SCIENCE! INDUSTRY! GREASY 70'S GUYS! ALL WORKING FOR THE FUTURE! AT 3-M!~
I hate when they give Eddie Deezen lines :/
he's sucking on that cigar like he wishes it was cock
Oh, it's the mysterious Rich Dude again, maybe tell us what his game is this time yeah?
And now, Also Sprach Zarathustra as played on theremin.
"I'm gonna go change."
"Can you change into something interesting?"
#monsterdon
In this scene with Billy prancing around with the laser gun, all I can think of is Laura Dern filming The Last Jedi and being completely unable to stop yelling "pew pew!" while firing her blaster in every combat scene.
...did this movie just choreograph and execute an entire four-vehicle crossover and a stunt car roll for a quarter-second reaction shot of Officer P. Ungar looking like a YouTube reaction video thumbnail!?
Darn. I was hoping that the whole film was going to be silent. Like a weird art house film. #monsterdon
Sadly our hero/villain combo dude Billy, who was played by actor Kim Milford, only lived to about 37. Died in 1988 from complications following cardiac surgery.
I was a bit worried about his shoulder after waving that lasergun prop around so much. That can't have been very comfortable.
there was no explanation for why Mr Craig already expected this would happen and what happened between him and the Colonel was there?
Like there was the barest hint of a deeper plot but then, nope, only time for more interpretive dance with Shirtless Billy
My three word review.....Thanks #monsterdon pals.
So many people were involved with this, did they all get paid?
So, what exactly was the intended message of this movie? Don't wander into the desert and pick up alien weaponry? Avoid pool parties? Don't be a doofy desert loser teen? I'm at a loss.
I loved the turtle aliens with my whole heart
#monsterdon
Final count:
32 laser blasts5 cars (2 cop, 1 classic)1 gas station1 pinball table1 Cessna 1721 Star Wars billboard1 phone booth2 mailboxes1 newsstand1 hippie1 copDEEZER
Got him from the roof of the book depository.
CLAYLIEN EX MACHINA
This part of the movie seems to have just moved into some derelict neighbourhood where the producer got them permission to blow up things randomly for no discernible plot reason.
Oh, the writer makes a cameo. Nice.
@CactuarJoe I thought this WASN'T Critters.
I love the alien's armoured buttocks, like a wombats'
Fuck I hope they saved that laser gun prop at the Smithsonian
I could really do with less making out in extreme closeups, and a lot more clayliens, please and thank you
ohhhh, no, please don't have sex....ahhh no.....
SCIENCE MONTAGE!
Billy Stardust and the Laserblasters from Mars
Yeah, lotta guys have a problem getting a breast cancer screening.
All I want for this movie now is
1) Alins!!
2) Some buttoned shirts
#monsterdon
Look
The less time I have to spend listening to Simulated Teens talk about their braunschwagers the better I'm gonna like this film.
Has the movie started yet?
Seriously girl, you're dating a man-child, you should run for the hills....
Shirtless Billy: take that, cactus!
Cactus: *persists*
"I am the NRA."
#Monsterdon weβve got a Critters alum here.
@LK_877 *Werner Herzog voice : "such is Death" #Monsterdon
I did get a #MonsterdonBingo, though!
All right, time to chase that monstrosity with @mwl 's https://mwl.io/archives/24036
Absolutely nothing happened in that movie.
Some bored teenager found a gun with a necklace, put on the necklace, and danced around while blowing things up.
That's it. That's the pitch line for the movie.
"Why is it always so costly for mankind to move into the future...?"
Or maybe,
"He learned... Too late. That man is a FEELING creature. And because of it. The greatest in the universe."
Billy isn't green at all now, but fuck that billboard!
tbh the driver seems high as fuck
Billy must be somewhere close. I can hear his theme song.
Oh finally, the aliens are back!
@CactuarJoe THE CAR WAS! π
Ah yes, the Coleman Francis school of justice. We saw you in the vicinity, so we're gonna snipe you from a light plane!
Due process? What are you, a commie?
What are those cute aliens up to right now?
#monsterdon
"take my shirt off? Me?"
Where does he stash his alien laser weapon when he's not 'Laserblaster'....his ass?
Billy found a shirt!! No sleeves, but also no buttons. Perhaps that is why he figured out how to wear it! Good for you, Billy: well done.
"Diane, February 28th. I'm entering the town of Twin Peaks."
Laserblast doesnβt fall into the trap so many movies do of having at least one character whoβs likeable or appealing. #Monsterdon
Yeah don't bother telling us WHICH agency 'Mr Craig' is here from, we don't deserve that obviously
This film's plot feels like something I could have written in 6th Form in the 90s.
PUT ON A DAMN SHIRT!