so sorry i missed #Monsterdon, but forgot it was THING2’s birthday. my incognegro Dragonbaby turned a quarter of a century old today. he had some sushi and hot sake with his momma. happy bday T2!

I wonder how his mom's doing in Acapulco. I bet that's a more interesting film than this.

#Monsterdon

Bleugh. I really hate Laserblast. Fuck Laserblast :/

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon The best part of Laserblast is… we saw it. We don’t have to see it again. I hope those that voted enjoyed their time in the Clockwork Orange Enjoyment Rig with this Valium and Quaaludes laced “film”

There was nothing redeeming about Laserblast, which makes it an excellent Monsterdon movie!

Thanks @Taweret for hosting, @Cherizilla for #MonsterdonBingo, and everyone else for making it fun!

#Monsterdon #Laserblast

That's weird: that same beam weapon just used by the clayliens reduced the nameless antagonist in the intro sequence into a charred grease stain, but when aimed at Billy it leaves him visibly unmarked but lifeless, and obviously also shirtless

WAIT WHAT?! CREDITS??

#monsterdon

AND FUCK THIS MAILBOX SPECIFICALLY

#Monsterdon

"Hey dipshits, you forgot the weapon of mass destruction. Head back to the loser planet and pick it up, what do I even pay you people for?"

#Monsterdon

I'm kind of mad I voted for that movie.

#Monsterdon #Laserblast

In a way, the REAL villain was Star Wars… because it raised expectations of what a movie could be

#monsterdon

T'was turtle killed the beast.

#Monsterdon

See, the problem here is that this scene -- indeed, EVERY scene in this movie! -- would be vastly improved by claymation turtlefolk.

#Monsterdon

Billy did not learn to use empathy with his issues, did he?

#Monsterdon

And that's a wreck!

The Colonel and his backstory with Craig mean nothing at all, we learn nothing about the necklace or the laser gun that mutated and then ended Billy, Kathy has no more lines, and the clayliens fuck off into... I don't know, the sea, or space, or the parking lot or something.

Thank you for hosting, @Taweret! Thank you for the bingo card, @Cherizilla! Darn you to heck, @mwl !

This was a reaaaal stinker

#monsterdon

"Do you mind showing us?"

"Of course not!"

Any excuse to remove that hateful upper body garment, apparently. Our man Billy hates a shirt.

#monsterdon

PLEASE stop trying to be funny.

#Monsterdon

#Monsterdon We’ve got angry confused military man versus Prince Valium. That’s his name now. Prince Valium. Billy. And Grandpa seems broken.

Does she run drugs to Acapulco?
Is she on the Fentanyl Highway?

#Monsterdon

@srol a tale as old as Gilgamesh #Monsterdon

I firmly believe in the same sort as "the only way to win is not to play" the only way to truly enjoy Laserblast is to not watch it at all and just hang out on fedi while #Monsterdon roast the crap out of it.

They're having some scale issues with the aliens suddenly.

#monsterdon

Billy!! You can't just blow up mailboxes! People's mail is in there! That's a federal crime, and it's RUDE

#monsterdon

I'm assuming this film was intended to put a spotlight on the dire consequences of the laser fad of the 1970s. Like Reefer Madness, but for laserblasting.

#Monsterdon

C'mon turtlefolk, end this film. I believe in you.

#Monsterdon

And nothing of value was lost 💓

#Monsterdon

Oh thank god, they're killing Eddie Deezen.

#Monsterdon

"We rented a vintage car and dammit we're gonna film it."

#Monsterdon

Sure, I'll have an entire bottle of scotch. Might make the movie go down smoother.

#Monsterdon

Laserblast the deputies, Billy. I'll give you a nickel.

#Monsterdon

"And then we stage an extended sequence where our hero has a boil lanced!"

"Are you sure, sir, that seems kind of--"

"Trust me, kid, zit popping scenes are all the rage in Hollywood today!"

#Monsterdon #Bleugh

The subtitles in that scene spelled "lightning" as "lightening" on every utterance and I feel like that is a microcosm for many aspects of this film experience here tonight.

#monsterdon #monnsterredonne

This was before the Men in Black had settled on branding. At this stage they were workshopping "Men in Brown," y'know.

#Monsterdon

*Billy blows up a car with his alien-bestowed arm cannon*

Oh! No, shirt-wearing is not his character growth arc after all: it's about how Billy learns to address the problems in his life with incendiary violence! Welp, live and learn.

#monsterdon

Like, I think the film wants us to see this as Billy's start of darkness, but that seemed like a pretty measured response to a danger to the community.

#Monsterdon

MEANWHILE IN A VASTLY MORE INTERESTING MOVIE

#Monsterdon

#monsterdon

Ugh, someone get this guy a laser gun to move the plot along.

#monsterdon

The main lead's acting ability is pushing me through several dimensions of pain all at once

#Monsterdon

These shell-less turtle stop motion aliens are spectacular. And the subtitles describe their vocalizations as "(quacking)". Strong opener! Let's see how the rest of this shapes up!

#monsterdon

The Shadow of the Cat (1961) is on the Internet Archive

“A house cat sees her owner murdered and becomes ferociously bent on revenge.”

https://archive.org/details/the-shadow-of-the-cat_202208

#monsterdon

So trying to figure out what I just saw, I guess the laserblaster is like the #LOTR ring thing, and Billy went straight into Smeagol/Gollum mode without wasting our time with hobbits and wizards or quests or any sense of a plot at all.

With a bit less time following cars driving around and the pool frolicking this could've been a half-hour movie.

#monsterdon

Also what is up with directors of 70s films just casually throwing rape scenes into their movies? Bleugh.

#Monsterdon

@jsadow he made his choices, some of us can resist sticking our arms into tubes we find in the desert! #Monsterdon

you were better off without Billy anyway girl

#Monsterdon

lol, @ aliens just ending it and walking away

#Monsterdon

OK we have just given up on coherence at this point and are working through the dregs of the special effects budget

#monsterdon

*Billy jumps aboard the van of a clueless hippie apparently happy to pick up hitchhikers*

Wait, now Billy isn't green anymore? What is going on here? Are his teeth un-sharpened now?

*Billy leans out the van window and blows up a Star Wars roadside sign, which seems to trigger him turning green and pointy-toothed again; he then murders the hippie driver by aiming a five-foot arm mounted gun at him from the passenger seat, in a far less flammable way than previously*

I just,,,

#monsterdon

GET EVERY SECOND OF THAT CAR
EVERY SECOND

#Monsterdon

At some point in this movie it would be great if something resembling a plot kicked in, but with 19 minutes left I'm not holding my breath.

#monsterdon

What do we want!
Aliens! Aliens! Aliens!
#monsterdon

SCIENCE! INDUSTRY! GREASY 70'S GUYS! ALL WORKING FOR THE FUTURE! AT 3-M!~

#Monsterdon

I hate when they give Eddie Deezen lines :/

#Monsterdon

"Tease Shirt"

and pants that say go away.

#Monsterdon

That's a realistic depiction of small town cops out in middle of fucking nowhere

#monsterdon

he's sucking on that cigar like he wishes it was cock

Oh, it's the mysterious Rich Dude again, maybe tell us what his game is this time yeah?

#Monsterdon

Is the character growth arc for our protagonist Billy here about how he learns how to eventually button up a shirt?

#monsterdon

And now, Also Sprach Zarathustra as played on theremin.

#Monsterdon

"I'm gonna go change."
"Can you change into something interesting?"
#monsterdon

In this scene with Billy prancing around with the laser gun, all I can think of is Laura Dern filming The Last Jedi and being completely unable to stop yelling "pew pew!" while firing her blaster in every combat scene.

#monsterdon

This was before Pew-Pew was invented. You had to get by with Pow!, which lets face it kind of sucks.

#Monsterdon

...did this movie just choreograph and execute an entire four-vehicle crossover and a stunt car roll for a quarter-second reaction shot of Officer P. Ungar looking like a YouTube reaction video thumbnail!?

#monsterdon

Darn. I was hoping that the whole film was going to be silent. Like a weird art house film. #monsterdon

@jsadow @ramsey this film was indeed, 'The Fall Of Man'

#Monsterdon

#Monsterdon

Sadly our hero/villain combo dude Billy, who was played by actor Kim Milford, only lived to about 37. Died in 1988 from complications following cardiac surgery.

I was a bit worried about his shoulder after waving that lasergun prop around so much. That can't have been very comfortable.

#monsterdon

there was no explanation for why Mr Craig already expected this would happen and what happened between him and the Colonel was there?

Like there was the barest hint of a deeper plot but then, nope, only time for more interpretive dance with Shirtless Billy

#Monsterdon

My three word review.....Thanks #monsterdon pals.

So, what exactly was the intended message of this movie? Don't wander into the desert and pick up alien weaponry? Avoid pool parties? Don't be a doofy desert loser teen? I'm at a loss.

#Monsterdon

I loved the turtle aliens with my whole heart
#monsterdon

Final count:

#monsterdon

Got him from the roof of the book depository.

#Monsterdon

CLAYLIEN EX MACHINA

#monsterdon

This part of the movie seems to have just moved into some derelict neighbourhood where the producer got them permission to blow up things randomly for no discernible plot reason.

#monsterdon

Oh, the writer makes a cameo. Nice.

#Monsterdon

@CactuarJoe I thought this WASN'T Critters.

#monsterdon #laserblast

I love the alien's armoured buttocks, like a wombats'

#Monsterdon

Fuck I hope they saved that laser gun prop at the Smithsonian

#Monsterdon

@CactuarJoe i wouldn't be surprised if Pepsi tried to pay to have their product removed, this is an un-dorsement #Monsterdon

I could really do with less making out in extreme closeups, and a lot more clayliens, please and thank you

#monsterdon

ugh gross

like two pufferfish making out D:

#Monsterdon

ohhhh, no, please don't have sex....ahhh no.....

#Monsterdon

SCIENCE MONTAGE!

#Monsterdon

Billy Stardust and the Laserblasters from Mars

#Monsterdon #Laserblast

"Can I get dressed now"

You've got no shirt on, that IS dressed for you.

#Monsterdon

Yeah, lotta guys have a problem getting a breast cancer screening.

#Monsterdon

All I want for this movie now is
1) Alins!!
2) Some buttoned shirts
#monsterdon

@strangefour

> Ugg and Lee

OMG. only now do I get the joke. #monsterdon

Look

The less time I have to spend listening to Simulated Teens talk about their braunschwagers the better I'm gonna like this film.

#Monsterdon

Has the movie started yet?

#Monsterdon #Laserblast

Seriously girl, you're dating a man-child, you should run for the hills....

#Monsterdon

Urrrghhh, somebody teach this editor about 'Pacing'

#Monsterdon

Shirtless Billy: take that, cactus!
Cactus: *persists*

#Monsterdon #Laserblast

"I am the NRA."

#Monsterdon

#Monsterdon we’ve got a Critters alum here.

Is he nailing the Colonel's daughter?

Who or what wrote this?

Do up your damn shirt!

#Monsterdon

@LK_877 *Werner Herzog voice : "such is Death" #Monsterdon

I did get a #MonsterdonBingo, though!

#Monsterdon #Laserblast

All right, time to chase that monstrosity with @mwl 's https://mwl.io/archives/24036

#monsterdon

Laserblast? More like Loserblast, amiright?

#Monsterdon #Laserblast