#Monsterdon Telly has swag. Some actors chew a scene. Telly can smoke a scene.

Now there's why I love European trains - you can get an autopsy at a moment's notice. Very convenient.

#monsterdon

So in summary… 
"Oh no the monk is possessed now!"
Lights go down
Can't really see much of anything
Everyone yells and stuff
A chunk of the train explodes.
The end.
"Thanks for travelling Amtrak everyone!"

#monsterdon

#monsterdon ...just exactly what is up with this whistling funk guitar outro..?

Oh my god

oh my god it's the ending credits

AND THAT'S A (train) WRECK! Nobody fucked off into the ocean but the two million year old visitor from another galaxy and his train cars of zombies fucked off into the flames of the locomotive boiler, so that counts for something.

Thank you, @Taweret@octodon.social, that was stranger and funnier and better than I expected!!

Conveniently, we have a track that goes off a cliff. #monsterdon

The old Chekov thing - if the gun is shown in the first act, the laser eyeball monster has to bleach a ladies eyeballs in the second act.

#monsterdon

You ever try to get an autopsy on Canada's Via Rail? The paperwork is a mess.

And Amtrak? Don't make me laugh.

#monsterdon

#monsterdon In all seriousness: a research expedition, a frozen specimen thawing, implications of psychic powers in the thawing creature... is this influenced by John Campbell's "Who Goes There" / "Frozen Hell" that was later made into The Thing?

#monsterdon "This is the lockpicking frozen corpse from two million years ago, tonight for you we have a simple tumbler padlock..."

#monsterdon If I were to construct a railroad I would simply omit the section of the track that leads directly off a thousand foot cliff, it would be easy for me

@gnomon So many of these #monsterdon films fall apart on the metallurgy.

#monsterdon And this harder-than-diamonds steel "gets stronger" when heated to 10,000-12,000°C? And that heat is impossible to achieve on earth? How did they smelt the alloy in the first place?? For that matter, how did they machine the surfaces of the brick??

Murderous antideluvian extraterrestrials I can buy, but this metallurgical fantasy is challenging my suspension of disbelief

#monsterdon It is with great regret that I must announce our monster of the evening kills by way of brain smoothification

No

No I shan't say it

We're all thinking it

and it ends in a trainwreck, just like this film
#monsterdon

#monsterdon Credit where it's due, that was some legitimately nifty sounding string distortion there in the lower registers as the creature eyeballed itself into the evil monk.

"Two Million Year Old Ape New In Town And Looking To Make New Friends/Souls"

#monsterdon

I hope we all know how to decouple a train should zombies/mind slaves take over?
Happens more often that you'd think

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Wait this is suddenly a zombie movie!?!! DID NOT SEE THAT COMING! (Train to Busan, anyone?)

This rather shifts the moral calculus of those investigatory trepanations earlier in the film, eh?

#monsterdon For anyone wondering about the verisimilitude of the passenger crowd charging down the cars, there is some very interesting and pertinent research about crowd crushes that it might be interesting to consult after the movie, e.g. https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/bjso.12666 and its citations section

send a TELLY GRAM

#monsterdon

If these psychic ape-men where around two million years ago, then why are we here and they aren't?

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon I’m pretty sure that if the scent of marijuana can wake me up from someone smoking it 10 ft away, then the smell of a thawing, decomposing 2 million year old ape roaming an enclosed and tiny train will be hard to ignore.

As this is Mastodon, can we all just appreciate Trains for a moment....

#monsterdon

That Lee/Cushing handshake is like the "Epic Handshake Meme" but with British horror legends

#monsterdon

#monsterdon "But I shall leave to the decision of the society with whom the blame for the disaster actually lies."

I wish I could have Christopher Lee narrate the post-incident reviews at work, it would be amazing.

#Monsterdon hooray! Fin! Like Jeb Bush asking people to please clap. That was fine. Kind of floppy in lots of places, but it was a lovely time. Thanks @Taweret@octodon.social as always! :)

#Monsterdon “Bah! We have lots of innocent monks!” God I love Telly Savalas. Just go all the way babe! Yeeha! Whips and shabby monks!

Awww, well that was surprisingly well made, acted and coherent , well done Horror Express!

#monsterdon

Now we get into the details of rail switching for you railfans out there
#monsterdon

#monsterdon MONSTER COSSACK BRAIN SMOOTHIFICATION

Man, that monk is just romping through these troops. Very messy.

...A Colt 1911 in 1906?

#monsterdon #HorrorExpress

I'm getting the feeling Telly couldn't remember the lines for this scene, so he's just kind of adlibbing through the scene.

#monsterdon

Just appreciate the style in which Terry drank that shot, threw the glass aside and chided "peasants! peasants!"

#monsterdon

"Monster futures are up sharply"

#monsterdon

Some kinky alien fuck who gets off on mindjacking sentient beings on backwards worlds

#monsterdon

Big Eyeball has got ads playing in this eyeball. I have to wait for 30sec to see the last thing it saw.

#monsterdon

This is not the Amtrak dining car #monsterdon

#monsterdon "I want this kept quiet! I don't want to panic the passengers."

Right, OK, the train conductor is the mayor, the specimen is the shark...

#monsterdon Red = Evil.

Looks like a monster with a lock-picking hobby on the side.

#monsterdon

This #Monsterdon has a distinct Doctor Zhivago feel to it. Just with more monsters.

"that mad monk"

Oh he IS Rasputin then. They aren't being subtle about it

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon crates on a train! Snakes on a Frame! We’ll get there eventually!

MY MUSTACHE WILL FIGHT YOUR MUSTACHE

#monsterdon

Christopher Lee's character was sexually attracted to that frozen corpse
#monsterdon

#monsterdon

@RobynGoodfellow @trixter (sigh), just Russia in any period really #monsterdon

As the movie fucks off over the cliff, we're left wondering "Why the random ape arm? How much money did they spend on Telly Savalas that they could only afford him for 15 minutes? Why did the alien powers upgrade so aggressively?"

As always, we both thank and blame @Taweret for hosting and cursing us with these things to pontificate.

Maybe @Taweret can just fucking rock me to sleep tonight as I ponder these questions.

#monsterdon #HorrorExpress

Okay, that was rather fun, especially with all of you. Thanks @Taweret@octodon.social for hosting!

#monsterdon #HorrorExpress

That's pretty convenient

#monsterdon

Another #Monsterdon is in the can!

Thanks to @Taweret for hosting!

Tonight's feature, #HorrorExpress, from 1972, was the little macabre engine that could! We had,
- Frozen ice man monster!
- Yoga witchcraft!
- Smooooove brainz!
- Death by fossil!
- Smooth Brain Army!
- Exploding train cars!

Of course Russia has special "kill sidings" for rail

#monsterdon

Wha? They gave Telly the old white eyeball treatment so soon? I guess the script was getting away from him anyway. Seems prudent.

#monsterdon

A high volume eyeball bleaching scene here. The Monk has a solid work ethic compared to the previous hosts.

#monsterdon

there aren't a lot of problems that can't be fixed by a good punching

#monsterdon

Telly is Vin Diesel's father #monsterdon

#Monsterdon After a while the images in fluid will just devolve into an H&M Catalogue.

I like how contemporary Terry Sevalas' bald head is.
It's good to live in an age where most men go bald with dignity instead of elaborate lies such as that upon Trump's head

#monsterdon

#monsterdon "Wells" "Saxton" "The Countess" "Wells" "Saxton" "The Countess" "Wells" "Saxton" "The Countess"

"Dental plan" "Lisa needs braces" "Dental plan" ...

#Monsterdon The monster has bougie taste.

What the hell, there's little movies going on in the eyeball fluid? It's like a little monsterdon going on in the fluid

#monsterdon

#monsterdon MONSTER COMBINATION LOCK SHOULDER-SURFING ATTACK

EDIT: oh and also monster sonic strangulation too, that is also happening

Monster trying to figure out what kind of effect he has on people

#monsterdon

literal 'smooth brain'

#monsterdon

"at your age, i'm not surprised." i'm paying for whatever this woman wants to drink, all night. good for her. #monsterdon

#monsterdon MONSTER STRANGLE

Ohhhh, it's a Yeti, isn't it?

A yeti familiar with matches and nails...ohhh and can also pick a lock.....hmmmm

#monsterdon

#monsterdon whistling during a horror movie is never a good sign, by the way.

Booty Galore #monsterdon

I know how these films go, that dog is a gonna, or the sole survivor

#monsterdon

Oh, there's a bond girl as well. #monsterdon

"the occupant hasn't eaten in two millions years"

Same

#monsterdon

"Did those fossils just growl?"

"Just shut up, that's what you can do for me, shut up"

#monsterdon

That priest fella is really hamming it up, is he going for a Rasputin vibe?

#monsterdon

#Monsterdon show us on this kerning block where they hurt you, ñ’s tilde!

ahhhhhh my eyes

also everyone else's eyes

Thank you @Taweret omg 😂

#Monsterdon

@ottaross in czarist russia, trolley problems _you_

#monsterdon #HorrorExpress

that was a fun blend of period atmosphere, nonesense science and a space monkey monster with nonsense powers and a zombie army. good stuff

ty for joining, everyone!

#monsterdon

THERE'S A SWITCH THAT SENDS THE TRAIN OFF A CLIFF!? #monsterdon

Are we doing a zombie thing now?
#monsterdon

A real locomotive wouldn't bounce like that, bless

#monsterdon

#monsterdon Yes, this monologue appealing to the scientific interests of Dr. Saxton definitely harkens back to the Campbell story.

https://wildsidepress.com/frozen-hell-by-john-w-campbell-jr-kindle-epub-pdf/ if you'd like to snag yourself a copy. It's worth the read, even if only for the influence it has had on sci-fi in general.

Oh great, he can puppeteer those victims. This won't be a problem. #monsterdon

Lol, waiting around for intelligence to evolve before getting help from your friends....how stubborn is that?

#monsterdon

It was a poor decision bringing that monk along with him, the Super-Steel guy

#monsterdon

honestly? this movie has great atmosphere and is fun

#monsterdon

"You english believe in Free Speech don't you?"

We say a lot of things though.....

#monsterdon

So far we know the monster has excellent eye-ball bleaching skills, can load jpegs into eyeballs, and is excellent at turning down the lights.

#monsterdon

Does the Alien need the super-steal to build a spaceship and get off this crazy world?

#monsterdon

The monster is going to be so disappointed at how actual hydrolox engines perform vs what Tsiolkovsky was expecting.

#monsterdon #HorrorExpress

Yes, it is a disease, and the symptoms are you kill people with your eyeballs.

#monsterdon

DON'T LOOK FOR STUFF THAT'S WHAT YETINATOR HATES

#monsterdon

Oh, Eye get it now #monsterdon

*sung to the tune of Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called to Say I Love You"*
Dinosaurs
Inside
Your Eyeballs

Dinosaurs
Inside Your Ancient Brain #Monsterdon

#Monsterdon The monster was almost going to pull the Monty Python clip-clop effect with the cranium. Soooo close! Back to coconuts, Percy!

#monsterdon "Steel, harder than a diamond!"

No, I don't think that's how the Rockwell hardness scale works. Neat macguffin though.

#Monsterdon The monster has weaponized hot Manchurian sexytime gaze curse! Boiled with sheer smexyness! Dont mind the bits that fall off…

If the man-ape has mind-fucked an international spy, will they become a diplomatic incident now with all those spy memories?

#monsterdon

@faoluin ok, that explains a lot #monsterdon

Feels like a theme park. Faux luxury but go behind the first layer and it's all rough wood, steel rivets and corpses. #monsterdon